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This thread was created on September 24, 2008
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Love
Topic ID: 36453
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fallsforyoueasily
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Aug 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
Country: USA
300 Points
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 Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:45 am Post subject: Love |
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LOVE<3
A fiery thing, that blows up your heart,
An easily lost thing, that comes and goes like the wind,
A rare thing, with an evil twin called lust,
A bright thing, that lights up the darkest of souls,
A wanted thing, that takes time to possess,
A beautiful thing;
What more can be said? |
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Galerius
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 197
Reviews: 101
733 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:51 pm Post subject: Re: LOVE |
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| fallsforyoueasily wrote: |
LOVE<3
A fiery thing, that blows up your heart, |
come on, isnt there another way you can put this than "blows up"? that sounds like an automobile accident. when love ignites in morbid passion, it does more than blows up. it unleashes old anger, unrelented words, careful optimism that suddenly is let out of its cage to roam freely across the sky. make it sound like that.
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| An easily lost thing, that comes and goes like the wind, |
"an easily lost thing" makes it seem like you couldnt find the right word to use. you dont want your reader to know that you gave up and just put fluff phrases like that into the poem.
comes and goes like the wind is very cliched.
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| A rare thing, with an evil twin called lust, |
thing is overused to the point where it should be erased fro m the dictionary altogether. please dont use it in poetry.
evil twin is also cliched. i've heard of "evil twins" being polar opposites to "good twins" thousands of times.
and what does lust have to do with it? i thought you were talking about love. if so, then dont bring in random subjects that are remotely connected to love.
| Quote: |
A bright thing, that lights up the darkest of souls,
A wanted thing, that takes time to possess,
A beautiful thing;
What more can be said? |
thing thing thing. dont use that word, it shows that you cant think of any better word and so you finished this poem up quickly just by inserting in "thing".
the last lines are odd because you suddenly end the third line and then ask a rhetorical question without even explaining yourself. after the long first/second line, i dont want to see the last line being cut off as if something else was supposed to go there but was deleted. thats the impression im getting right now.
okay, work on it. good luck. |
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| This thread was created on September 24, 2008 |
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Bartemius says, All truly wise thoughts have been thought already thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take root in our personal experience. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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