Topic ID: 36431
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Eimear
It ain't me, babe
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Jan 2008
Posts: 646
Reviews: 314
Country: In a Dickens novel
500 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: Tightrope Walking |
 |
|
I’m not wearing any wings
there’s no angels to hold my hand.
I have to walk this thin line on my own
with only the air to hold me up.
Crowds gather and jeer to make me falter,
they want to make me slip, they want a show.
Fear beats in my ears like a busted vein,
The cars beep and screech their tyres on the road.
My arms spread out as wide as sails,
as the winds blow like one simply breath from you.
I’m walking through my world to yours
In this dancing limbo, there’s no such thing as turning back.
And still, as sweat and tears begin to drown my eyes
I see someone standing on the other side,
on the theatre roof, calling my name
I’ll never have to make this journey again.
I’m tightrope walking,
through the clear dawn light.
Balancing on your heartstring,
not worried if I fall in love. |
_________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
-Oscar Wilde- |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: . |
|
|
i loved it, it is so different from all the other poems on here, i can feel the main characters fear as she walks, it must be so terrifying! i can imagen a carnaval or circus scene, bright lights and dark sky. it was really good, loved it, the flow was good and pulled the reader in easily.  |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sapphire
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 23 May 2008
Posts: 233
Reviews: 140
350 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 1:34 pm Post subject: Re: Tightrope Walking |
|
|
Hey! Haven't reviewed one of your poems in a while, so thought I'd take a look at this one.
This won't actually be much of a critique, because I really liked it and don't think much needs changed.
| Eimear wrote: |
I’m not wearing any wings (full stop or semicolon)
There are no angels to hold my hand.
I have to walk this thin line on my own
with only the air to hold me up. |
Didn't like that last line at first because I didn't realise what you were saying - she's walking on air. I love the metaphors that run throughout.
| Quote: |
Crowds gather and jeer to make me falter;
they want to make me slip, they want a show.
Fear beats in my ears like a busted vein.
The cars beep and screech their tyres on the road. |
The crowds are the only aspect of the poem's content that I would question. It seems like this should only be about the two of them. Then again, perhaps other people don't want them to be together, so they're obstacles, but then 'they want to make me slip, they want a show' doesn't fit that idea.
| Quote: |
My arms are spread out as wide as sails,
as the winds blow like one simple breath from you.
I’m walking through my world to yours (colon here, I think)
in this dancing limbo, there’s no such thing as turning back.
And still, as sweat and tears begin to drown my eyes,
I see someone standing on the other side,
on the theatre roof, calling my name (full stop or dash)
I’ll never have to make this journey again.
I’m tightrope walking,
through the clear dawn light.
Balancing on your heartstring,
not worried if I fall in love. |
Love the last stanza.
So, not much to say except well done! |
_________________
Click for critiques 
Dancing through life down at the Ozdust, if only because dust is what we come to – Wicked the Musical |
|
| Back to top |
|
mydogbill
Novice
Gender: 
Age: 33
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 8
Reviews: 3
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:25 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:43 am Post subject: Tightrope Walking
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m not wearing any wings
there’s no angels to hold my hand.
I have to walk this thin line on my own
with only the air to hold me up.
Crowds gather and jeer to make me falter,
they want to make me slip, they want a show.
Fear beats in my ears like a busted vein,
The cars beep and screech their tyres on the road.
My arms spread out as wide as sails,
as the winds blow like one simply breath from you.
I’m walking through my world to yours
In this dancing limbo, there’s no such thing as turning back.
And still, as sweat and tears begin to drown my eyes
I see someone standing on the other side,
on the theatre roof, calling my name (WHY THE THEATRE ROOF??)
I’ll never have to make this journey again.
I’m tightrope walking,
through the clear dawn light.
Balancing on your heartstring,
not worried if I fall in love.
THAT IS GREAT LOVE THE WAY IT FLOWS AND UNVEILS YOUR EMOTION |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Searria H.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved your comparison in this poem. I would hate to be a tight-rope walker, so I can feel your narrator's fear and uncertainty.
There was only one line that I had a problem with:
| Quote: |
| as the winds blow like one simply breath from you. |
This didn't really make sense. I think one or two of these words isn't quite right. Is it supposed to be "...like one, simply a breath from you." or "...like one simple breath from you." Please clarify.
for the most part, your punctuation, was good, and the few mistakes have already been pointed out.
I really enjoyed the poem!
-Sea- |
_________________
As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark." |
|
| Back to top |
|
StolenHearts.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Good day to you Eimear,
I really enjoyed your poem, it's so original and shows a point of view rarely thought of. I can understand the tightrope walker's feelings of uncertainty and fear. The end had to be my favorite part, then again ends are always my favorite but, not because they are over. Endings are like new beginnings they always strike me as enduring and powerful.
| Quote: |
I’m tightrope walking,
through the clear dawn light.
Balancing on your heartstring,
not worried if I fall in love.
|
This was a perfect way to end your poem, clear and deep. I'm so glad I took the time to read your amazing poem, I hope you had a fun time writing it.
With all due respect,
Mackenzie |
_________________
Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
