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The Beetles Game - 1
The Beetles Game - 1

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 24, 2008
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False Child of Shinku ch.2

False Child of Shinku

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 6:09 pm    Post subject: False Child of Shinku Reply with quote

False Child of Shinku

Book one

Chapter one:

It’s just the beginning

The rain came down hard as if it was being pulled down by an unknown force. The wind howled like a pack of wolves as it blew across the deserted old battle field. Across the desolate field was a memorial to honor all who fell or were murdered in battle. A young women knelt before the memorial. It loomed over her, only partially protecting her from the down pour. Despite the helpless look she wore, the girl smiled. The wind tossed her long dark golden hair around wildly like a toy. Slowly she stood. Her drenched white silk dress swirled around her legs as she made her way across the field.

X X X

The sky was a blaze with color as the orange sun sank below the dark green ocean of trees. The leaves (that were left) shown golden in the dying rays of sun. This ocean of trees flowed on for miles, even as far as up to Mt. Discompent in the east. In the middle of the great forest was the small village of Star. There the people made a living by crafting all kinds of things for the other distant cities that resided in the kingdom of Cascadea.

“Hey, Orient! That is you?!” A young guard called out at a figure coming towards the village entrance. “Whoa, you look like a drowned cat. You must have gotten caught in that freak rain storm.” He continued noting her appearance.

Orient rung out her dark golden blond hair before replying to the guard that stood in her way. “Do I really look like that? Well, have you look in the mirror with that Shing armor of yours guard boy? You look like the smelly canned fish Kar is forced to serve at the tavern.” Her voice held sarcasm, but her eyes were filled with contempt.

The young guard glared hatefully at Orient. Though, through clenched teeth he muttered the insult that was commonly said in anger and/or annoyance to her. “Damn Shinku Child, get back to the tavern before I put you to death myself.”

“As you wish Darek. I’ll see you at the tavern later.” Orient replied calling the guard by his name without fear he would ever harm her. She passed him and entered into the busy streets of Star.

The shops in the market were still open; the shop keepers yelling to passer buyers what they were selling. Carts of furniture, glass, food and other things kick up the dirt from the roads as they sped out of Star towards the eastern boarder. Smoke rose into the air and danced to the humming rhythm of the crafters workshops. All the buildings were elegant in every way and spaced evenly from the next. The most elegant and important building in Star, though, was the tavern that also doubled as a inn for the weary traveler. The tavern was the residence of the appointed leader Hisken Lucifer and his family.

X X X

A boy cleaned dishes in the back of the tavern, elbow deep in soap bubbles. His long fire orange hair tied loosely at the nape of his neck was starting to come loose as a few strands had already fallen out and into the huge mound of bubble. He was of medium build and wore just a pair of jean pants, since he had taken off his shirt to wash the dishes. “Damn it! How the hell are there this many bubbles?!” he said in frustration, unaware that he had an audience. “Why does it always happen when it’s my turn??”

“Well, for starters Kar, you always put too much soap bubbles in and secondly-” Orient replied as she gathered up the loose strands of his hair. “-you need to do your pony tail tighter.”

“I don’t always end up like this Orient.” Kar protested, but winced in pain since Orient pulled too hard on his pony tail. “Okay, okay! Maybe it does. Anyways you know, you do the best pony tails.”

“Yeah, I do.” Orient grinned at that comment. “Why is the tavern closed so early? It’s only sundown. It’s not a holiday or something right?” Orient asked confused. She finished his pony tail and sat down on the table that was behind her. Kar didn’t answer. In fact he seemed sort of tense about something. Kar ran his arms under some water from the faucet and dried them with a white hand towel. Kar turned to face Orient only then.

Orient began tapping her nails on the table. “W-what is it?” she stuttered seeing his serious expression.

“My father was killed today.” Kar said annoyed rather, than torn by grief as one would expect.

“Oh Kar, I’m so sorry.” Orient whispered holding back her own tears.

“Len’s getting the tavern since he’s older and I didn’t want it anyways. What’s bugging me is the new leader.” Kar continued as if Orient hadn’t even spoken.

“Who is it going to be?” Orient asked curiously.

“A noble from the capital city of Capital, but the thing is they’ve already chosen the leader and sent him on his way to Star.”

“What?!” Orient jumped off the table astonished. “How could they have foreseen this??”

“They couldn’t. There’s only one possibility though.”

“What?”

Kar glared down at the light brown tiled floor before looking up at Orient. “My father’s death was rigged. The government there murdered him.”

Orient stood shocked staring at him. She opened her mouth to say something, but when nothing came out she closed it.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
The rain came down hard as if it was being pulled down by an unknown force. The wind howled like a pack of wolves as it blew across the deserted old battle field. Across the desolate field was a memorial to honor all who fell or were murdered in battle. A young women knelt before the memorial. It loomed over her, only partially protecting her from the down pour. Despite the helpless look she wore, the girl smiled. The wind tossed her long dark golden hair around wildly like a toy. Slowly she stood. Her drenched white silk dress swirled around her legs as she made her way across the field.


Nice description, alot of writers don't use metaphors or similes, but you don't have any problem with it.

Quote:
The sky was a blaze with color as the orange sun sank below the dark green ocean of trees. The leaves (that were left) shown golden in the dying rays of sun. This ocean of trees flowed on for miles, even as far as up to Mt. Discompent in the east. In the middle of the great forest was the small village of Star. There the people made a living by crafting all kinds of things for the other distant cities that resided in the kingdom of Cascadea.


Again, nice description for the sky. I would suggest you take out the () marks though, it doesn't look...right.

Quote:
“Hey, Orient! That is you?!” A young guard called out at a figure coming towards the village entrance. “Whoa, you look like a drowned cat. You must have gotten caught in that freak rain storm.” He continued noting her appearance.


Can't find anything wrong here.


Quote:
Orient rung out her dark golden blond hair before replying to the guard that stood in her way. “Do I really look like that? Well, have you look in the mirror with that Shing armor of yours guard boy? You look like the smelly canned fish Kar is forced to serve at the tavern.” Her voice held sarcasm, but her eyes were filled with contempt.


I believe that should be looked, not look.

Quote:
The young guard glared hatefully at Orient. Though, through clenched teeth he muttered the insult that was commonly said in anger and/or annoyance to her. “Damn Shinku Child, get back to the tavern before I put you to death myself.”


Take out the and/or too. Put in one or the other.


Quote:
“As you wish Darek. I’ll see you at the tavern later.” Orient replied calling the guard by his name without fear he would ever harm her. She passed him and entered into the busy streets of Star.


Unususal way to spell that name, I like it.

The shops in the market were still open; the shop keepers yelling to passer buyers what they were selling. Carts of furniture, glass, food and other things kick up the dirt from the roads as they sped out of Star towards the eastern boarder. Smoke rose into the air and danced to the humming rhythm of the crafters workshops. All the buildings were elegant in every way and spaced evenly from the next. The most elegant and important building in Star, though, was the tavern that also doubled as a inn for the weary traveler. The tavern was the residence of the appointed leader Hisken Lucifer and his family.

Okay I think you should explain a little more about leaders, because I have no idea about where they fit into this community. Just something you might want to add somewhere any there.


A boy cleaned dishes in the back of the tavern, elbow deep in soap bubbles. His long fire orange hair tied loosely at the nape of his neck was starting to come loose as a few strands had already fallen out and into the huge mound of bubble. He was of medium build and wore just a pair of jean pants, since he had taken off his shirt to wash the dishes. “Damn it! How the hell are there this many bubbles?!” he said in frustration, unaware that he had an audience. “Why does it always happen when it’s my turn[b]??” [/b]

Take out one of the question marks first off. And second seperate the dialogue from the description like so:
A boy cleaned dishes in the back of the tavern, elbow deep in soap bubbles. His long fire orange hair tied loosely at the nape of his neck was starting to come loose as a few strands had already fallen out and into the huge mound of bubble. He was of medium build and wore just a pair of jean pants, since he had taken off his shirt to wash the dishes.

“Damn it! How the hell are there this many bubbles?!” he said in frustration, unaware that he had an audience. “Why does it always happen when it’s my turn


Quote:
“Well, for starters Kar, you always put too much soap bubbles in and secondly-” Orient replied as she gathered up the loose strands of his hair. “-you need to do your pony tail tighter.”


Okay nothing wrong here, I think.

Quote:
I don’t always end up like this Orient.” Kar protested, but winced in pain since Orient pulled too hard on his pony tail. “Okay, okay! Maybe it does. Anyways you know, you do the best pony tails.”


Nothing wrong here.

Quote:
“Yeah, I do.” Orient grinned at that comment. “Why is the tavern closed so early? It’s only sundown. It’s not a holiday or something right?”

Orient asked confused. She finished his pony tail and sat down on the table that was behind her. Kar didn’t answer. In fact he seemed sort of tense about something. Kar ran his arms under some water from the faucet and dried them with a white hand towel. Kar turned to face Orient only then.


Again, seperate the dialogue from the description. This time I have already done it for you.

Quote:
Orient began tapping her nails on the table. “W-what is it?” she stuttered seeing his serious expression.


Okay nothing wrong here...


Quote:
“My father was killed today.” Kar said annoyed rather, than torn by grief as one would expect.


I would think that he would show some hint of emotion like sadness.

Quote:
“Oh Kar, I’m so sorry.” Orient whispered holding back her own tears.


Very nice, shows the emotions instead of just telling.

Quote:
“Len’s getting the tavern since he’s older and I didn’t want it anyways. What’s bugging me is the new leader.” Kar continued as if Orient hadn’t even spoken.


Nothing wrong here...

Quote:
“Who is it going to be?” Orient asked curiously.


Okay...

Quote:
“A noble from the capital city of Capital, but the thing is they’ve already chosen the leader and sent him on his way to Star.”


Okay...

Quote:
“What?!” Orient jumped off the table astonished. “How could they have foreseen this??”


Again, only put one question mark in, not two.

Quote:
They couldn’t. There’s only one possibility though.”

“What?”


Kar glared down at the light brown tiled floor before looking up at Orient. “My father’s death was rigged. The government there murdered him.”

Orient stood shocked staring at him. She opened her mouth to say something, but when nothing came out she closed it.


Very nice, I didn't see that coming. Great job writing the story. PM me when you post more, I will read and critique it for you. Good luck and keep writing.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the review! I'm glad I was able to surprise you ^_^ I will definitely PM you when I post more of the chapters.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked this, it reminded me of 80's fantasy but better and with more realistic dialogue. The mentioned rigging of the election at the end was a good ending and i really do want to read more of this. I am interested in the way that the world is set up and how the politics works together.

I did feel that the dialogue of the conversation between the guard and orient was a little fake but i think this was just because i hadn't got used to the character.

Thats the only critique i have. PM me when the next chapter comes up

PS- I'd love you to critique my first topic "My Frozen Blood"
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for you review ^_^ I'll be sure to PM you as well when I post the next chapter. I'll definitley critique your first post.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 10:25 pm    Post subject: My critique Reply with quote

I liked your story. For some reason in the beginning (before the dialoge with Kar) I kept picturing everyone as Japaneese. I don't know why, though. That's sort of weird.
Your similies in the very beginning were really well-placed, but I thought it sounded a tad bit funny with the "likes" all over the place. Maybe some more metaphors?
I liked how you made Kar and Orient's (I love the name Orient, by the way) dialoge really realistic. You made the reader feel laid back in Kar's presence and happy when he and Orient joked around.
I think Kar could have had a little bit more of subtle emotion, though. Unless he really hated his father or something, but that doesn't seem likely.
Your descriptions were very nice.
Do we get to find out why Kar's father was out of the town?
Overall, you have a great story started!
~Nata
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 7:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was really well done I like how you portrayed Kar and Orient. They seem like really interesting characters. You jump right in to the action of the story, it flows well from one place to the other.

Your descriptions are very well done too. You raise plenty of questions about the plot, but that's natural since this is the start of the book. Though personally I think this would work better as a prologue then as the first chapter, but that's just my opinion.

A Question, what's so bad, or special, about being a Shinku. The way you described the guards insult makes me think many people are prejudiced and biased against them.

All in all I really liked how it went. PM once you post the next part, I'd like to keep reading it.
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