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Anonamuse
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 Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: Novel- Prologue |
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~*~Prologue~*~
She ran as quickly as she could, but not fast enough. She collapsed onto the ground, the heavy weight of her attacker on her back. Fighting against him, she struggled to get away, his hands ripping at her cloak and dress. She screamed just as her father had taught her to do, but it only seemed to fuel the man. He flung her cloak away, his hands groping at the edge of her dress. She felt the softness of the fabric pushed up along her legs, she kicked wildly in hopes of getting him away from her.
“Whore!” he yelled, his calloused hand smacking her across the face. A thin trickle of blood appeared in the corner of her mouth. She screamed again only to have her face covered by one of his large hands. He pushed her dress up higher, almost taking it off her; he held it over her head as she fought against his touch. His hands grabbed at her breasts before he pulled his trousers down.
He grinned with satisfaction at her muffled screams as he forced himself into her. The pain of him forcing himself upon her was unlike anything she had ever felt, causing tears to swell in her eyes. She begged him to stop, which only made him that much more eager. His hips thrust against her small frame until she stopped screaming, until only sobs remained. His desire fulfilled he pulled his trousers back up as he stood; he aimed a kick at her ribs before he walked away from her.
Curling in on herself, she held her ribs as she sobbed more than ever before. Her dress was up around her shoulders but she did not care, nothing mattered anymore. She could still feel him inside of her, ripping her apart. She pulled her knees tighter to her body as she shook. The longer she lay there the more she wanted it all to end, just to disappear, and never to be found again.
She didn’t have anything left, she lost everything. What could she possibly offer a husband now? Her father had so little now, and because of her, he would lose all hope of ever gaining anything back. She was worthless now, a whore, a lowly woman doomed to be nothing more. She closed her eyes tight as the sound of approaching footsteps; she could not stop herself from shaking. She screamed when a foreign hand touched her shoulder.
“Shh…my child. Ye be safe now,” whispered a gentle voice. “What be ya name, young one?”
“I…Iris. My name is Iris. Please don’t hurt me,” she answered her voice weak.
“I won’t hurt ya, Iris. I’m goin’ to help ya, would ya like that?”Iris nodded slowly as the woman covered her with her cloak. She got to her feet slowly with the woman’s help. The woman’s body was covered with a thick, green woollen cloak, the hood shadowed her head. Iris took one of the woman’s gloved hands and stood close to her. She had no reason to fear this gentle woman who had showed her such kindness. As they walked towards the forest the suns first light began to creep slowly into the village behind them. |
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Katharsis
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:14 am Post subject: |
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| First Paragraph wrote: |
She ran as quickly as she could, but not fast enough. She collapsed onto the ground, the heavy Heavy is not a necessary word in that sentence, and for me- doesn't contribute enough for its use to be vindicated. Try reading the sentence aloud with and without 'heavy'. I found it to be pointlessly clunky with 'heavy' included. You might think differently. weight of her attacker on her back. Fighting against him, I think it's redundant because of the next sentence. 'Fighting' and 'struggled' pretty much denote the same thing. she She struggled to get away, his hands ripping at her cloak and dress. She screamed just as her father had taught her to do, The thing about her father having taught her to scream a certain way seems like a pointless distraction from the atmosphere you should be creating, and it isn't explained/justified well enough in previous or subsequent sentences for it to be relevant. but it only seemed to fuel the man. He flung her cloak away, his hands groping at the edge of her dress. I would prefer: and groped at the edge of her dress. Less waffle. She felt the softness of the fabric pushed up along her legs, she kicked wildly in hopes of getting him away from her. Of what fabric? Her dress? Is he taking off her dress? Make this clearer. The end of this sentence is needlessly clunky as well. I'd be thinking more along the lines of: 'She kicked wildly as the soft fabric...' In stating what she's doing to resist, you don't need to explain her hope of getting away as you'll be answering that in the subsequent description about what's going on with the soft fabric. |
I don't have the inclination to critique the rest, but I suggest you read your sentences aloud when editing. If you made your sentences more concise in regards to both describing what is relevant and in reducing the waffle I'd certainly read this. |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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Anonamuse,
Hello! How are you on this lovely day? (: To your critique, though.
Quote:
His desire fulfilled he pulled his trousers back up as he stood;
Comma after “fulfilled”.
***
Yes, that was my line-by-line crit - lovely, no? So short… Points and points to you on that!
However, what hit me first was that lots and lots of your sentences start with pronouns - “she”, “he”, etc. That would be okay if used sparingly, but if you just look back to the story, you’ll see that there’s just too much of that. The first paragraph is a prime example of this, while the last is fine. For the parts where there are a lot of pronouns - vary sentence structure, experiment.
So, you do that. All in all, it was fine (:
Keep writing, post more,
Esme |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 8:52 pm Post subject: |
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--In the first paragraph you have only one sentence which doesn’t begin with ‘she’ or ‘he’. That one sentence has an introductory clause, and then, again, ‘she’. The sentence was fine, but you should have more variety in the way you begin your sentences.
“She felt the softness of the fabric pushed up along her legs, she kicked wildly in hopes of getting him away from her.”
There should be a semi-colon or period, not a comma. Or, “As she felt the softness…”
“‘Whore!’ he yelled, his calloused hand smacking her across the face. A thin trickle of blood appeared in the corner of her mouth.”
I’d connect the sentences. “…smacking her across the face, and a thin trickle of blood…”
“She screamed again only to have her face covered by one of his large hands.”
You just described his hands a sentence ago. I’d find something to replace this, or a different way to express it. ex. “only to have her face smothered in his hand.”
“He pushed her dress up higher, almost taking it off her”
“Almost taking it off her” it sounds unnecessary and just clutters things up. It doesn’t really matter whether the dress is on her or not. What matters is where it is in relation with her waste, right?
“he held it over her head as she fought against his touch.”
Fought against his touch how? Describe it. Did she slap him? Try to knock his arms away? Bite him? Knee him? What did she do?
“His hands grabbed at her breasts before he pulled his trousers down.”
This sentence sounds as though he is doing the two things simultaneously, which he couldn’t be, unless you change it to ‘hand’ instead of ‘hands.’
“He grinned with satisfaction at her muffled screams as he forced himself into her.”
Is the satisfaction really supposed to be for her screams, or… ?
“The pain of him forcing himself upon her was unlike anything she had ever felt,”
First of all, you already used ‘forcing himself.’
Secondly, of course the pain is ‘unlike anything she had ever felt.’ That’s a given; we don’t need to be told that. But what does it feel like?
“She begged him to stop, which only made him that much more eager.”
How much more eager? I’d make it just “which only made him more eager.”
“His hips thrust against her small frame until she stopped screaming, until only sobs remained.“
The end of this sentence is clunky. I feel like it needs more of a pause between ‘…screaming’ and ‘until…” but that’s all the pause it can have. So all I can suggest is that you make it “she stopped screaming and only sobs remained.” If you think of something better than that, be my guest. I just know it needs something.
“His desire fulfilled he pulled his trousers back up as he stood”
This also sounds a little clunky. Firstly, it needs a comma after ‘fulfilled.’ Then, having both ‘his desire fulfilled’ and ‘as he stood’ at the beginning and end of the sentence makes it, as I said, clunky. I think it might work if instead you said, “His desire fulfilled, he pulled up his trousers as he stood.”
“he aimed a kick at her ribs before he walked away from her.”
I’m sure you can use a more descriptive verb than ‘walked.’ This is pure pickiness, but it’s useful pickiness.  Like swaggered, sauntered, strolled. Something cocky and careless. Not that I think you need to be told how your own character would walk away from his victim. Sorry, did I say ‘walk’? 
“Curling in on herself, she held her ribs as she sobbed more than ever before”
Too much sobbing. Not that I think she shouldn’t still be sobbing, but tell us something new, or describe it in a new way.
“Her dress was up around her shoulders but she did not care, nothing mattered anymore.”
Comma after ‘shoulders’. No comma after ‘care’: “nothing mattered anymore” should be a separate sentence.
Also, maybe make it “still up around her shoulders” since you already told us about that?
“She pulled her knees tighter to her body as she shook.”
You have a lot of sentences structure this way: “She/he such-and-such as such-and-such.” Change it up a little. “She pulled her knees tighter in an attempt to stop her body from shaking.” “She pulled her knees tighter, but still she shook violently.”
“The longer she lay there the more she wanted it all to end, just to disappear, and never to be found again.”
Comma after ‘she lay there.’ No comma after ‘to disappear.’ “And never be found again,” no ‘to.’
“She didn’t have anything left, she lost everything.”
Again you have a comma where you need a period, or semi-colon, dash, something. Watch out for that.
Also it should be “she’d lost everything.”
“Her father had so little now, and because of her, he would lose all hope of ever gaining anything back.”
Firstly, I’d take out the comma after “because of her.” Also, “gaining anything back”? You don’t mention him losing anything, you only say he doesn’t have much. Not that it couldn’t have happened that way, but that phrasing “gaining anything back” doesn’t fit the context of the sentence.
“She was worthless now, a whore, a lowly woman doomed to be nothing more.”
I’d take out the ‘now’. And the comma after that doesn’t work. Maybe “She was worthless—a whore. A lowly woman doomed to be nothing more.” And about that. I don’t think ‘lowly woman’ is strong enough, especially when you say ‘whore’ just before it.
And the ‘doomed to be nothing more’. I don’t think that she would be looking that far ahead at this particular moment. If she feels that worthless, she wouldn’t feel worthy to become anything more than what she is. I don’t think she’d be considering lost chances to make something of herself. I suppose that would depend on her exact circumstances and character, which we obviously haven’t had much chance to know much about yet, but that’s just the impression I got.
“She closed her eyes tight as the sound of approaching footsteps; she could not stop herself from shaking.”
Did you mean “she closed her eyes at the sound of approaching footsteps”?
You already mentioned she was shaking. I’d have her do something else in response to the approaching person. Roll over so she has her face to the ground, bury her face in her knees, even pull down her dress, just something.
“She screamed when a foreign hand touched her shoulder.”
Having her scream is very good, and the rest of it… is good.
“Shh…my child. Ye be safe now,” whispered a gentle voice. “What be ya name, young one?”
Maybe it fits her character, but to be honest the way this person talks is kind of annoying, and distracting.
And I think ‘gentle’ is an unnecessary adjective. Her words should speak for themselves, and they do. Except I don’t think she’d be questioning the girl for her name in this particular situation.
I also don’t think that ‘Iris’ would be so ready to answer, unless she’s in more of a helpless daze than you make her seem, in which case I don’t think she’d say anything at all.
“I…Iris. My name is Iris. Please don’t hurt me,” she answered her voice weak.
I mentioned a couple things about this above, but if you do keep it, you need a comma after ‘answered,’ except I’d replace ‘answered’ with a more descriptive verb and get rid of ‘her voice weak’ entirely.
“I won’t hurt ya, Iris. I’m goin’ to help ya, would ya like that?” Iris nodded slowly as the woman covered her with her cloak. She got to her feet slowly with the woman’s help.
Period after “I’m goin’ to help ya.” Again, I don’t think she’d be putting questions to her, or that Iris would be in a state to respond. She’d be more withdrawn, especially if she succumbs to the woman so easily, but I’ll get to that in a second.
I’d combine the sentences so it’s “as the woman covered her with her cloak and helped her slowly to her feet.”
“The woman’s body was covered with a thick, green woolen cloak, the hood shadowed her head.”
This is completely random. You’ve had virtually no description of people’s looks until now—not that that’s a bad thing, not at all. And I don’t think it’s necessary now, at least not in this form. If the point is that her face is in shadow, then I’d say something more like, “Iris gazed over at hear, but the woman’s face was shadowed by her cloak,” or something like that. Although I thought that the woman put the cloak around Iris?
“Iris took one of the woman’s gloved hands and stood close to her. She had no reason to fear this gentle woman who had showed her such kindness.”
Is I started to say before, I really don’t think that, under these circumstances, Iris would be so submissive. I think she’d put up a little bit more fight, unless she was in a complete daze. If she was, I doubt she say anything, or take any actions like holding the woman’s hand. And I don’t think she would want to be close to her either, not at first. Maybe she’d gradually be more comfortable around women—certainly not around men—but not immediately. If she, as I said, is completely dazed, she might be submissive enough to follow instructions, but not take any actions on her own.
So. I would either make her completely dazed, get rid of her talking, nodding, taking hands, OR, make her resist the woman, so that the woman has to persuade her very carefully and gently to come with her.
“As they walked towards the forest the suns first light began to creep slowly into the village behind them.”
Comma after “forest,” and it should be “sun’s.” Since you don’t mention a forest before, I think it might be better if you said something like “As the woman led her towards the forest…” or something like that. Not a big deal though.
O_O Wow that's long. I think I just loosed all my pent up reviewing energy into this. It felt good, but I hope you don’t mind it was so long?
It is rough, and I know you can make it at least 10 times better, but it’s a good beginning. For a prologue, I think it works very well. Obviously as a story, or even if you were to make it the first chapter to something, I don’t think it would work… but that’s beside the point since it’s a prologue.
I think you have a good speed—looking back over it at the moment it seems slow, but that’s just because I went through pretty much every single sentence one by one.
You don’t use too much description, also good for this type of scene.
Make sure, as I mentioned at the beginning, that you fix all those sentences starting in ‘he’ and ‘she’.
When she’s lying there after the fact—I don’t remember how much I went into this before, so forgive me if I’m repeating myself—I don’t think her thoughts would be that coherent. The way she’s thinking of future husbands, and her father’s wealth, and such. Those would come later, not right away.
So. You did a good job. Just fix it up so we’re not distracted from the story by all those little things. They do tend to pile up. 
Oh, and let me know when you have more written! If you post it, that is. *looks hopeful*
*adna* |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I found this to be very powerful. It seems that everyone pretty covered the line-by-line review so I'll just cover the overall thought.
First, the beginning I found to be really lifelike. You captured the elements of the rape...very vivid...making me very angry  Those jerks just...Ug..sorry *hem* off topic
But yeah, but after that, you kind of lost your focus it seems. Yes, I know some girls have this experience and end up loosing all hope. But there is an escape. I understand her feelings but some of them were irrational. Like, never offering a husband something....that was strange.
Now, at the end, I noticed that this is set further in the past. This is an older time period. Try to describe the more in the beginning because an image of an alley way came to mind...so try to create the scene before jumping right into it
Hope this helped! |
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Clup91
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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I wasn't really expecting something like this, and I liked it.
I think there actually could have been a better way of constructing your sentences, as previously mentioned, but I do think you still said it well this way.
I'm not that good at writing about things like this, so seeing this I am impressed, so smiles all around!
Well done, and was this set in olden times? 1800s? 1700s?
And I like how there were no names mentioned: it gave this anonymous atmosphere and really showed in this scene that identity was not important when the man raped her.
She was a young girl, yes? |
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alwaysawriter
is back to writing and critiquing.
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| Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Muse. Sorry it's been over a month; I haven't been able to be on much. The review is just somewhat of an overall one.
| Quote: |
| She collapsed onto the ground, the heavy weight of her attacker on her back. |
Heavy doesn't seem to be the right word to use here. Maybe take it out?
| Quote: |
| Fighting against him, she struggled to get away, |
Fighting and struggled basically mean the same thing so maybe take out Fighting against Him?
| Quote: |
She felt the softness of the fabric pushed up along her legs, she kicked wildly in hopes of getting him away from her.
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She felt the softness of the fabric pushed up along her legs and she kicked wildly in hopes of getting him away from her.
| Quote: |
| he yelled, his calloused hand smacking her across the face. A thin trickle of blood appeared in the corner of her mouth. |
H in He should be capitalized and I'd suggest combining the sentences.
| Quote: |
| She screamed again only to have her face covered by one of his large hands. |
You already discribed his hands. Maybe take out Large?
| Quote: |
| What could she possibly offer a husband now? Her father had so little now, and because of her, he would lose all hope of ever gaining anything back. She was worthless now, |
Now is starting to sound extremely redundant; there's too many of them in those sentences. Try to find a synoym for it. He had so little of what? What would he lose all hope of getting back? Make those things clearer.
| Quote: |
| As they walked towards the forest, the sun's first light began to creep slowly into the village behind them. |
I thought you did a good job on this. It was graphic, which is good. What time period is it set in?
I hope I helped.
-always |
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