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Can you Tell Who it is? What Can I Do to make him Better?
Can you Tell Who it is? What Can I Do to make him Better?
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This thread was created on September 23, 2008
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Batman's Bat Messages (for Jared's contest)

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Snoink   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:24 pm    Post subject: Batman's Bat Messages (for Jared's contest) Reply with quote

FROM: The Riddler riddlemethis@archnemesis.com

TO: bwayne@wayneenterprises.com

SUBJECT: Riddle me this…

What is rich and black and flies at night?

--THE RIDDLER

#

FROM: Bruce Wayne bwayne@wayneenterprises.com

TO: The Riddler riddlemethis@archnemesis.com

SUBJECT: RE: Riddle me this…

A thieving crow with insomnia that’s stolen a wedding ring?

#

Alfred,

Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I just got this e-mail on my work account that’s very interesting, to put it mildly. Can you please find out who has the domain name of “archnemesis.com”?

--Bruce

#

FROM: The Riddler riddlemethis@archnemesis.com

TO: bwayne@wayneenterprises.com

SUBJECT: RE: RE: Riddle me this…

Let’s try this again:

What is an idiotic rich, black human and flies around at night?

--THE RIDDLER

#

FROM: Bruce Wayne bwayne@wayneenterprises.com

TO: The Riddler riddlemethis@archnemesis.com

SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: Riddle me this…

Michael Jackson?

#

Bruce,

I just went to Godaddy.com, and it was also mildly interesting. There were girls in bikinis wandering around all over the place, just like in the commercials. Except most of these girls don’t speak English. It took me a while to find someone to talk to, but I can assure you that the waiting was quite pleasurable.

They say they have that record on file. The problem is, it’s registered to you.

--Alfred

#

UNREAD TXT FROM THE RIDDLER: People like you make me sad.

#

Alfred: I am currently away from my phone right now. Leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Bruce: There’s something weird going on. I am starting to get paranoid. I closed the account, but now I have him texting me on an account that I apparently bought. And he changed my ringtone on my phone to “Thriller.”

#

Bruce: Dude, like what’s up? No seriously, I’m out doing awesome stuff, so just leave a message or get out of my life.

Alfred: Master Bruce, consider checking the calendar every once in a while. It will do you some good.

#

Alfred,

Nice April Fool’s prank. You’re fired.

--Bruce

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Last edited by Snoink on Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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JFW1415   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
*Is way too lame to do a real critique but you're not on and I don't want to send another PM to you when you already have a super long one waiting in your inbox from me, so I'll just tell you about the two things that jumped out at me when I read this.*

One: 'The Riddler' bothers me. Immensely so. Like, I looked it up 'cause I was positive it was the title of a book, but then it turned out to be a character in batman. (I still say it's a book, though. Maybe a YWS story?) Anyways, I feel this name is too well-know. It's like trying to call a character Superman or Batman or something. Just... after a while, if you hear a name, you only think of one thing. And that ruins your character, 'cause it put YOUR Riddler in someone ELSE'S mold. And I want to get to know yours, not theirs.

Two: The last line bothered the heck out of me. It's like... too 'oh well they don't know what day it is so I'll tell them.' The guy wouldn't REALLY say that, at least I don't think. It's just something you added so we'd understand what was going on, but you didn't hide the fact that it was for our benefit well. I'd reword it... don't really know how, though. Maybe even just saying 'April Fools only lasts one day, moron, and you're fired.' Something like that. And you can make the e-mails show that this whole transaction took place over more than a day. I dunno, but saying 'Nice April Fools prank...' just feels very forced to me. Saying 'April Fools' at all does, but you kinda do have to. I'd just like to see it blended a bit better.

Eh... I'm gonna continue rambling 'cause I'm bored. xD

Three: I'm confused about the riddle? It kinda sounds like Batman to me. xD Is it? And maybe chose a different one, just 'cause 'The Riddler' already puts Batman into our heads. xD

Oh, and why'd he add the part about the wedding ring? Made no sense.

Four: Last one! xD I just think it's a little fast. He was saying he was getting freaked out, but it didn't feel like it. I'd like to see some interaction with other characters, just to see how everyone's reacting a bit better. And I want to see the boss-worker relationship a bit more - I figured they were just friends 'til you said 'you're fired.'

Yeah... that's all. xD Haha, this critique was totally unplanned and took no time at all, but hopefully it helped a bit? You were on the front page, though, 'cause it's new, and I saw The Riddler and clicked, still thinking it was the title of a book. xD

PM me for anything at all. xD

~JFW1415

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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?

Last edited by JFW1415 on Mon Oct 13, 2008 5:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Lol. Jen, you didn't understand this story. I can't critique it right now, because it's my contest, but this is supposed to be a sarcastic story!

-Jared

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 12:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
O.O

Duuuude.

This is fanfiction.

*Fails epically*

I don't really check genres? 'specially if I click from home page?

*Dies*

So only two and four apply? Kinda? xD

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
This was funny. That's all I have to say.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Agreed.

Like, a million and five percent.

Hilarious.

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
An octillion and twenty-eight percent, even. You almost made me wake up my dad in convulsions of laughter, meanie.

"Nice April Fool's prank. You're fired."

*convulses again*

No like seriously. It's even funnier if you picture this as a scene in The Dark Knight or something. Zomigod. XD

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hahaha. Yeah I love this =D it's brilliant. Poor Brucey. Michael Jackson *lols*

You're good at this.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
'Rina Pi: How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

1) WTF? Who else would have thought of this?
2) The exploration of the relationship between Bruce Wayne and the reliable old Alfred is simply outstanding. The level of sophistication, perceptiveness, and creativity of form is ingenious.
3) hhahahahaa
4) Alfred's phone message is rather unrealistic, don't you think? Doesn't sound British at all.
5) Piggies!
6) The "twist" was pretty obvious, but I didn't care because I was having too much fun reading it.

Yay!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I think I need to read about Batman before I can judge this. So... ignore my critique. xD 'cause apparently this is amazing, which is obvious 'cause it's you.

~JFW1415

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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you?
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Quote:
What is an idiotic rich, black, human, and flies around at night?

This sounds a little awkward. Maybe "what's idiotic, rich, human, and flies around at night" or "what's an idiotic rich, black human who flies around at night". Other than that, it was great!

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Snoink,

Haha. Every time I read this, I start cracking up. This is the lamest contest critique I’ve ever given. >.< Thanks.

It was just too funny to critique. And I couldn’t find anything that I would, change anyway. The Michael Jackson line was hilarious. Gah.

Anyway. Onto the judging!

Characterization: 9/10

Plot Idea: 10/10

Spelling and Grammar: 10/10

‘Cool’ meter: 10/10

Overall: 49/50.

Great job. You did the best out of all of the three other entries!

-Jared

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This thread was created on September 23, 2008

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