Topic ID: 36394
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Fabien
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Country: the dreadful suburbs at the moment
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 Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: What Kind Of Fool Am I? |
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My darling, you know I love you, half blessed & cursed the day I found you,
lost in the Wonderland around you, what kind of fool am I?
Romanticise the dark and gloomy past, trying to escape from the under class,
you darken my bright and beautiful day, you're breaking my heart in every way.
I took you in and you stole from me, you still got everything I need.
You're fucking with my head in every way, don't tell me everything is dandy and fine. |
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Last edited by Fabien on Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:59 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Dark Star
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Country: Canada
321 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:13 pm Post subject: |
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| hmmm...very different. I LOVE IT!! its simple and short but just gives this awesome dark vibe. the imagery is really intense and it just sends a chill up your spine. everything flows so perfectly and all the words just work together magnificantly. you have a gift. short, simple and too the point, but you give the reader exactly what they want. LOVE IT! |
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xGraceex
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Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:50 pm Post subject: :P |
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Wow that was so romantic! painfully romantic, i loved it, you remind me of one of those poets you read in books, the ones so full of emotions and every sentence they say rhymes and your poem was just brilliant, best one ive read on here, loved it loved it loved it  keep it up, sweep readers off their feet with your beautiful words |
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
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KookieKatie
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191 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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Good work - very thoughtful and enjoyable. What drives me nuts, though, is that you didn't stick with the format in the third stanza that you established in the first and second. Also, this isn't rated R, it's rated PG-13.
Nice job. Keep up the good work.
-KK |
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hershey
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:20 pm Post subject: |
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That was really really really really good, but I must agree with KookieKate and note that you didn't really keep the third stanza like the others. The first and second stanzas sorta rhymed and had the same cadence and stuff, but the third stanza kinda threw it a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I still love it. REALLY LOVE IT.
Hershey |
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wewinwelose
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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i love this poem and think it could be amazing....but why dont you try formatting it like this so that the reader doesnt look at the lines and go "nope too much" because of the length of the first line
My darling, you know I love you,
half blessed & half cursed the day I found you,
lost in the Wonderland around you
what kind of fool am I?
Romanticise (that's not a word btw try romanticize) the dark and gloomy past,
trying to escape from the under class,
you darken my bright and beautiful day,
you're breaking my heart in every way.
I took you in and you stole from me,
you still got everything I need.
You're fucking with my head in every way,
don't tell me everything is dandy and fine. (this last line breaks the ryhming pattern and throws it kinda off) |
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mydogbill
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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My darling, you know I love you, half blessed & cursed the day I found you,
lost in the Wonderland around you, what kind of fool am I?
Romanticise the dark and gloomy past, trying to escape from the under class,
you darken my bright and beautiful day, you're breaking my heart in every way.
(VERY MOVING EMOTION)
I took you in and you stole from me, you still got everything I need.
You're fucking with my head in every way, don't tell me everything is dandy and fine
I can really feel your passion and tell you are speaking directly from the soul, nothing seems to speak more clearly than a wounded heart |
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Moe:)
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: Poem |
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| This was realy realy good. But i must say that i have to agree with kookiekate about the third stanza but if you fix that thenit will be great i really like the way that you rhymed it and made the poem flow through. other than the third stanza i can not find anything else wrong with it keep up with the good work dear |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: Re: What Kind Of Fool Am I? |
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| Fabien wrote: |
My darling, you know I love you, half blessed & cursed the day I found you,
lost in the Wonderland around you, what kind of fool am I? |
this really needs to be split into more lines, its reading like a rant rather than a poem. and there has to be a better metaphor to address your love rather than say "my darling". how unoriginal.
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Romanticise the dark and gloomy past, trying to escape from the under class,
you darken my bright and beautiful day, you're breaking my heart in every way. |
again, divide this into more lines. also, you are not showing people, your telling people for some reason. all i know so far is that your mad at your girlfriend. after four loooong lines, i should know a little more than that if you want this to be considerd meaningful.
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| I took you in and you stole from me, you still got everything I need. |
vague and hazy. so...was she a theif? did she steal his heart? did she make him obsessed? did she cheat on him? what happened????
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| You're fucking with my head in every way, don't tell me everything is dandy and fine. |
yeah, the swear word doesnt go well, its too bitter for the romantic quality of the rest of the poem. and now this poem has degenereated from a whine to an argument. i really dont get why you did this instead of diving into her emotiosn and maybe explaining what happened.
yeah...not much more i can say about this. it might be saved if you work harder on it, who knows. |
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playerj09
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200 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject: |
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| I like how it is vague. it leaves more to the imagination. if it was a longer story then i would want more clarity but for the size it is good. |
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