Topic ID: 36391
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CJeanene13
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 14
Country: Where I live...
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:12 pm Post subject: Sighs |
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My sighs filled
my head
like the dark
fills the nights.
My tears flow
smoothly,
the rainstorm
tonight.
I'm hesitantly
clawing
through velvet
dark veils.
I'm scared of
not knowing
and frustrated
at end.
I scream loud,
a blood-chilling
shriek.
It echoes through
a never-ending
hell.
Then all breaks
loose.
I'm on my
hands.
My tears are
red.
My heart has
been crushed.
"No!!" My cry is
heard by only
my ears.
I keep clawing
but nothing
will tear.
"Help!" I shout
to no avail.
I'm being
crushed by
the dark.
I'm drowning in
a sea of tears.
My misery flows
like giant, blue
waves.
I give up
for my body
is done.
It's time to
go. |
Last edited by CJeanene13 on Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:08 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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olivia1987uk
Novelist
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Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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How powerful! I'm not usually one to comment on poetry as its not my area of so-called expertise but I liked this...very emotive, even if the language was somewhat repetitive...that may have been a literary device you adopted so I won't say it was a bad thing. Well done!
I loved the meter of it, and the way it was laid out was very eye-catching...kept my interest! |
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Olivia
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http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
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JosephDean
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 129
Reviews: 30
Country: USA.
840 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:18 pm Post subject: |
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Very interesting. I think the way that you organised the words just gave it some extra... what would be the proper word? Oomph? Lol. It just helped it convey its meaning, is what I'm trying to say. I like the sullen atmosphere brought on by it.
The only thing that I can see right now would be the part
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"No!!" My cry
heard by only
my ears. |
"My cry heard by only my ears," isn't exactly a sentence (although I understand that in poetry, that does not always matter  ). I'd try "My cry is only heard by my ears," but that's just how my mind works, haha.
Keep up the awesomeness  |
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CJeanene13
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 14
Country: Where I live...
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the great reviews. It will help me tons! Thanks again! |
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xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: :P |
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| I loved it, it was so emotional! lol there was a few spelling mistakes but i spell bad all teh time (you can probably tell from this review ) so i dont really care if you spelled stuff wrong. i loved your poem, i could imagen so clearly the pain and the red tears, the blood curdling shriek echoing through hell, but can i ask why the main person was so sad? you might have mentioned it in your pom but im uch a dizzy that i forget things lol, or did you not know the reason why they were so sad and you just wrote emotions not reasons? anyway, me going on and on lol - great poem - loved it! |
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CJeanene13
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 14
Country: Where I live...
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, I was kinda depressed and sad. I felt alone. So, I just sat down one day and wrote. Something I do when I need to express something. Thanks for the reviews! |
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StarDuster
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 26 Aug 2008
Posts: 61
Reviews: 33
Country: Someone's Imagination
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 7:45 pm Post subject: review |
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I read what you said about how you write when you want to express something. That's what I do, too. This poem in particular clearly threw out you emotion of sorrow. Great job. Emotional and descriptive...
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I'm drowing in
a sea of tears. |
Drowing should be drowning. I like that line.
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It echos through
a never-ending
hell |
Nice line.
However, "echos" is spelled with two e's I believe... "echoes".
Other than that, no complaints. You are a great writer. Keep it up. PM me with any questions, request, anything. I'll try to read your work whenever I get the chance. Let me know if you post something just so I'm aware  .
Hope to hear from you.
Tianna |
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"With every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains." |
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Nikiller
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 25 Nov 2006
Posts: 19
Reviews: 11
Country: England, United Kingdom
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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Good use of imagery and I like the build up of the semantic field of darkness at the beginning (it is said that this is an unconcious thing so you perhaps were not aware of it when constructing the poem).
Only thing I would possibly change is the use of speech. I think it would be more powerful/effective if the lines where speech is included, are cleared of all words except those contained within speech marks. Devoting a line to just speech is powerful when it comes to reading the poem aloud and gives it more impact.
Good luck. |
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wombat
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 11
Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:36 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked the imagery and the way I don't really know what the main character is crying about, but it scares me anyway =). I loved the whole thing but the ending seemed a little weak considering the great description and emotion throughout the rest of the piece. |
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StolenHearts.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 6:16 am Post subject: |
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I find this spectacularly emotional and deep, it definitely makes people think.
I noticed some wrong tense usage but, I'm not one to base writing
on that kind of stuff. Unless it's really really bad of course, but I believe this is more
meaningful then anything else. When you write you open your mind this
tells me how you think, i love seeing everyone's perspective on subjects.
I mean i would've probably done this a whole lot different just because,
i have a different opinion. Everyone has their ways of writing it's amazing to see
what people come with in such short times or long.
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My misery flows
like giant, blue
waves.
I give up
for my body
is done.
It's time to
go. |
That's one of my favorite parts because it has so much power in such few words.
I wish my specialty was poetry but, it is not. I am working on it though. I can't wait
to see what else you can come up with, well i am glad i took the time to read your
amazing piece
with all due respect,
Mackenzie |
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Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone. |
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