Topic ID: 36388
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JosephDean
Senior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 129
Reviews: 30
Country: USA.
840 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 8:36 pm Post subject: In His Box |
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Trapped in a box that I put myself in
Fighting for a life that I truly want to end
Walking barefoot on glass and continuing to stumble
Friendships thought to last forever, now starting to crumble
Dealing with ordeals at home, I didn't want them elsewhere
But signs of struggle outside of the place are appearing like flairs
Red, inviting, and lethal they are as they shoot into the sky
These things will always go awry, no matter how hard I try
No feeling in my extremities, my mind, my soul
I cannot do anything correctly; I always lose control
Out of my reach, out of my vision
Is one I must make: one important decision
To make a choice is very difficult
Make the wrong one, receive an unwanted result
But which choice is right. Which result is needed
It all depends on if an action is completed
Scared out of his mind of what his actions could do
His only feeling being not to worry others is his clue
As much as he would like, he cannot force death
Oh how would they feel to hear of his last breath
Would they be sad? Be happy or ecstatic?
Would it be final? Be dull or climatic?
As soon as it gets here, the better for all
Into the darkness, no more room to crawl
Is he destined for greatness? For stardom? For failure.
Whatever it may be, alone will be its milieu
Doesn't comprehend things at times or doesn't really care
Only one of which action for whose feelings he'll spare
Repeat as they may, they never truly mean
When they say that they're there, the lies are obscene
Left alone in his box, soon will be rotten
Left alone in his box, soon will be forgotten |
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Summerless
Senior Writer
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Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:19 pm Post subject: |
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First off, welcome to Young Writers Society!
This was a nice poem. Word choice-wise, I liked the words you used. You might need to add a little more punctuation. You left out a few question marks in the fourth stanza--around the "but which one is right" part. The poem had a strong meaning but when I read the poem out loud, it didn't flow so well. You might want to consider the rhythm, now that you have down the A-A-B-B rhyme scheme.
Pretty good! I enjoyed reading it.
- Summerless :] |
_________________
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
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JosephDean
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 129
Reviews: 30
Country: USA.
840 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:59 pm Post subject: |
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Well, one person who cared enough to look at it, I graciously thank you! 
I'm not a big fan of the A-A-B-B scheme myself, but this was written a few months ago when my writing techniques were not their finest. Haha. For some reason, my punctuation meter falls asleep when I'm writing poetry... and when I'm writing prose, it's right there sending off flares at every missed comma. 
Thank you so much once again for reading it and giving your suggestions!! =] |
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Galerius
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733 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 6:23 pm Post subject: Re: In His Box |
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| JosephDean wrote: |
Trapped in a box that I put myself in
Fighting for a life that I truly want to end |
in and end dont rhyme, if that's what you were going for.
| Quote: |
Walking barefoot on glass and continuing to stumble
Friendships thought to last forever, now starting to crumble |
first line here is completley unrealistic. when you walk barefoot on glass, you don't "stumble". you bleed. your feet are cut up. pain shoots through every pore. stumbling is the last thing you do. advice: add that imagery of multilated feet to give this part a symbolism for how you are trying to move on but your mode of transportatoin is ruined.
second line is too wordy. too many syllables ruins the evenness of the poem, and i'm pretty sure you dont want an intentional harsh contrast.
| Quote: |
Dealing with ordeals at home, I didn't want them elsewhere
But signs of struggle outside of the place are appearing like flairs |
again, doesnt rhyme
| Quote: |
Red, inviting, and lethal they are as they shoot into the sky
These things will always go awry, no matter how hard I try |
"things" is possibly the worst word you can use if not done right...and its not done right here. how can they be both inviting and lethal? this is the first paradox you've given in this poem and dont even hint as to why you feel torn both ways.
| Quote: |
No feeling in my extremities, my mind, my soul
I cannot do anything correctly; I always lose control
Out of my reach, out of my vision
Is one I must make: one important decision |
see, i get the feeling that you moved "one important decision" from the beginning of that line and to the end. any perceptive reader can point that out in a flash, and its doing no favors for your poem. if you really must rhyme, then find another word to use and put "one important decision" before "is one I must make".
| Quote: |
To make a choice is very difficult
Make the wrong one, receive an unwanted result
But which choice is right. Which result is needed
It all depends on if an action is completed |
bad bad paragraph, sorry. now your sounding like a preacher or motivational speaker. isnt this poem about you and your feelings? then keep it in line with your personal experiences and dont go off on a tangent about the philosophical nature of choices.
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Scared out of his mind of what his actions could do
His only feeling being not to worry others is his clue
As much as he would like, he cannot force death
Oh how would they feel to hear of his last breath |
whoa, incredibly long-syllabled second line. that singlehandedly destroyed the whole stanza; make it more concise.
and your last line in that stanza belongs in the stanza that comes next. why did you have it attached to this one? it has nothing to do with it.
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Would they be sad? Be happy or ecstatic?
Would it be final? Be dull or climatic?
As soon as it gets here, the better for all
Into the darkness, no more room to crawl |
what does "final" have to do with emotions? the rest of those questions are about how people will feel, and suddenly you throw this in. dont do that.
the last line is emo and just shows shallowness: why "into the darkness"? that gives me nothing. if you have to include that line, then tell me whats so poignant about the darkness.
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Is he destined for greatness? For stardom? For failure.
Whatever it may be, alone will be its milieu |
um...did you just add "milieu" in there because it rhymes? because it doesnt really have to do anything with his destiny. and how can a milieu be alone?
| Quote: |
Doesn't comprehend things at times or doesn't really care
Only one of which action for whose feelings he'll spare |
first line is too basic, i didnt find myself caring about his apathy. you didnt delve into his mind nearly enough. the second line doesnt make sense.
| Quote: |
Repeat as they may, they never truly mean
When they say that they're there, the lies are obscene
Left alone in his box, soon will be rotten
Left alone in his box, soon will be forgotten |
best lines in the poem. the only criticism i have here is that the first two lines arennt complete; the first line spills over into the second one and then there's a whole different sentence at the end of the second line. its too packed.
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in general: yeah...this was pretty emo and i felt that it was basically whining about how nobody understands the narrator. there was no persuasion to get the reader to set himself in the narrator's heart, to see issues from those worn and rain-beaten eyes. there was a lot of complaining, though. thats it.
why did you change from first person to third person in the middle? (this isnt criticism...i have a theory and if you confirm it, then the change was a smart move. if not, then the meaning is lost)
and do you really really really have to make the poem so uniform and rhyming? plenty of great poetry is rather disorganized yet conveys the message. your poem is four-lines-per-stanza, even-syllabled for the most part, and the rhyme seems to be forced in there "just because". i know that most people think poetry is about all these things but its really not; try to expand your range and dabble in different poems.
so work on it, this poem wasnt that good but it can be saved if you hammer it out a little. |
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JosephDean
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 129
Reviews: 30
Country: USA.
840 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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First, thanks for your critiques. I do appreciate it
Second, they're faux rhymes. They don't have to technically be exactly the same.
Third, I switched to third in the middle (and this probably isn't what you were thinking because my mind works a heck of a lot different from others) because the person is slowly drifting apart from his own mindset and begins to view himself as an outsider -- not even trusting himself. ... Yeah, okay, that didn't make sense either. Whatever 
Fourth, you can't call writing "emo" just because it sounds whiny or pathetic. "Emo" means emotional, obviously, and implies a wide range of emotion. For this to be "emo," it would have to have expressed many different emotional concepts - even happiness.
Fifth, this was written for a friend who requested it many months ago, and I was under a deadline. I didn't want to force the rhymes, but I like to rhyme so I did.
Sixth, (yes, I love my numerical transition words) I didn't put "milieu" in there because it rhymed. I did so because as the definition states, "the physical or social setting in which something occurs or develops," the narrator learns to continue his life without others.
Lastly, they are "inviting" and "lethal" because the person I wrote it for had a fondness for morbid things.... If I may reiterate, this was written so long ago. I've advanced since then, poetry never was my strong point, I was bored so I uploaded it, and the person I wrote it for would never analyze it like that. So at the time, I didn't worry about any of it making sense.
Thanks again for the advice though. It shows that you actually took the effort to find things in it instead of just scanning it and forging a "good job" into meaningless text. |
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