Topic ID: 36384
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: A Degraded Angel |
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While moonbeams whispered and tall trees shouted,
A beautiful girl flew past;
As heavenly as the angels above,
Her pain pierced the night at last.
She sat and watched the grass blow free,
A dazzling face within the cloud;
Her skin was pale, her cheeks were red
But her heart was not so proud.
For what she’d done was far from right,
And that is why she cried,
Her pain that had begun to pierce the night
Was the very reason why her heart had died.
She lay there in the weakened cloud,
Eventually starting to fall,
Her flying days had been reduced to nothing less
than a pitiful, lowly crawl.
For she had killed the love that night,
Breaking hearts and breaking stone.
An angel was no longer what she could be,
So she sat at the foot of her throne. |
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natalie
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 34
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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wow, i move the last line! it really rounds up the poem!
okay, dont worry, that wasnt the only thing I like about this. I loved the whole idea of the poem. It's very original and full of meaning. the imagery is beautiful
One thing I will say is that the rhyming seemed a little forced in places but it doesn't make too much of a difference.
Overall, I really like it.
natalie
xxx |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 19 Mar 2008
Posts: 445
Reviews: 179
Country: Fantasy... DUH
597 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:55 am Post subject: Re: A Degraded Angel |
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Very nice! A tale about her fall from grace, eh?
I'm not going to go into little nitpicks, just the overall impression. It was nice, very nice, but I feel it lacks some emotion. They're just words across a page telling a story. Perhaps some switching around/new content will add some of that emotion. Make me go "ooohhh!" or "aaahhh!".
7/10 is what you get from me. Care to try and raise the score?
~LIF
| bisquit wrote: |
While moonbeams whispered and tall trees shouted,
A beautiful girl flew past;
As heavenly as the angels above,
Her pain pierced the night at last.
She sat and watched the grass blow free,
A dazzling face within the cloud;
Her skin was pale, her cheeks were red
But her heart was not so proud.
For what she’d done was far from right,
And that is why she cried,
Her pain that had begun to pierce the night
Was the very reason why her heart had died.
She lay there in the weakened cloud,
Eventually starting to fall,
Her flying days had been reduced to nothing less
than a pitiful, lowly crawl.
For she had killed the love that night,
Breaking hearts and breaking stone.
An angel was no longer what she could be,
So she sat at the foot of her throne. |
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_________________
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
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silverSUNLIGHTx
Novelist
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Age: 14
Joined: 09 Sep 2008
Posts: 478
Reviews: 13
Country: the land of the free and home of the brave.
496 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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I thought it was really good. It gave me a very clear mental picture about this angel.
It kept me drawn in from the first line to the last which is really good right now for me because I'm really tired and I'm having a hard time focusing on anything.
Good job. :] |
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A writer and nothing else: a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right. ~John K. Hutchens |
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ladydark
First Person in the Sanity Ward
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Joined: 04 Dec 2005
Posts: 320
Reviews: 80
Country: Safe and Sound in my little cell...
200 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 1:22 pm Post subject: |
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wow. that like.. gave me shivers. Personally, I love things that have a lot of description, and right from the beginning the poem drew me in. I saw no faults, I think, and it was well played out. wow, okay, if you have any more poems like.. PM me or tell us 'cause that was good. Not the best, but def. getting up there. Good luck with your other stuff!
" Her pain that had begun to pierce the night
Was the very reason why her heart had died. "
loved that  |
_________________
“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”
"By the pricking of my thumb/Something wicked this way comes." MacBeth |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks for all the comments people, im very grateful |
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wombat
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 11
Country: UK
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 6:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked this poem and the description was really strong but the rhyming seemed a little off towards the end. |
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Galerius
Senior Writer
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Age: 17
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 197
Reviews: 101
733 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: Re: A Degraded Angel |
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| bisquit wrote: |
| While moonbeams whispered and tall trees shouted, |
how are trees supposed to shout? if anything, they should whisper. i know that you think that connecting inanimate objects with human qualities is very poetic and whatnot, but realize that if you cant do it right, then it sounds incredibly bad.
| Quote: |
A beautiful girl flew past;
As heavenly as the angels above, |
could you be a little less cliched please? People are always being compared to heavenly angels above. if thats truly what you think then you need to crack open a poetry book and read some good material. get some ideas.
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| Her pain pierced the night at last. |
hmm...i cannot tell what pain has to do with her, as you havent explained it in the earlier lines. however, you may reveal that later on...so i'll wait.
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| She sat and watched the grass blow free, |
really? i always thought that grass was rooted to the ground.
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A dazzling face within the cloud;
Her skin was pale, her cheeks were red
But her heart was not so proud. |
the way you say this, you make me think that you believe pale skin and red cheeks are signs of pride. why should people be proud about that? once again, this is nonsense.
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For what she’d done was far from right,
And that is why she cried,
Her pain that had begun to pierce the night
Was the very reason why her heart had died. |
(about one of my earlier comments...I guess you did talk about the pain, so thats all good)
how does pain pierce the night? and if its going outwards into the night, how is it also going inwards into the heart? and the first line is weird; okay, so she committed a crime, you don't have to bash that fact over the reader's head. make it subtler.
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| She lay there in the weakened cloud, |
i think you mean "on the weakened cloud".
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Eventually starting to fall,
Her flying days had been reduced to nothing less
than a pitiful, lowly crawl. |
interesting contrast between crawling (images of dirt and constraint) and flying (images of freedom and exhilaration). i like that.
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For she had killed the love that night,
Breaking hearts and breaking stone. |
i cant think of anything else that stone could represent besides a barrier. so what your saying is that she broke the barriers...and also broke love for some reason. isnt breaking barriers a good thing?
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| An angel was no longer what she could be, |
um, why not just "she could no longer be an angel"?
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| So she sat at the foot of her throne. |
ah, shes been kicked off the seat and now is whimpering at the bottom. good.
---------
in general: this is a bunch of insensible words and cliched strung together. half of these ideas and methods have been used a million times before...the other half doesnt even follow logic. i get the feeling that your pretending that you can write really high-level and esoteric poetry. judging by this poem, you cant, so dont even try until you can master the ordinary stuff. |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:16 pm Post subject: |
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to be honest, i wasnt trying to write a successful poem. like i mentioned, i wrote this when i was bored. as with all my other poems.
in fact, i want to write novels, so poetry doesnt really interest me. i just think it was worth uploading something. thats all.
but 'thanks' for the 'positive' feedback |
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BlondeTwiggy
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 May 2008
Posts: 25
Reviews: 13
Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: |
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Um, I think the point of reviewing is to give constructive feedback, not insulting and rude feedback. :]] Your poem is seriously not that bad, bisquit. I think trees are perfectly capable of shouting. Lovely use of personification. Although I don't entirely agree with how an angel could do something wrong, I think it was a good idea... Or you are using an angel as a symbol to describe a girl. Hmmm, that would definitely add a lot of depth! I like these lines:
"Her flying days had been reduced to nothing less
than a pitiful, lowly crawl."
Would like to see more of your writing.  |
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Galerius
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 197
Reviews: 101
733 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 4:24 am Post subject: |
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| bisquit wrote: |
to be honest, i wasnt trying to write a successful poem. like i mentioned, i wrote this when i was bored. as with all my other poems.
in fact, i want to write novels, so poetry doesnt really interest me. i just think it was worth uploading something. thats all.
but 'thanks' for the 'positive' feedback |
if you didnt want your poem to be successful then why did you post it here? after all, i did believe the point of this forum was to critique stuff.
and i completely understand that you may be new at this. however, i would like to know why you are justifying your work like this. a poem or story or whatever should stand on its own without its author making up excuses for why certain parts of it may not be that good. i honestly am not interested in why you made the poem as you made it; the only thing that i concern myself with is the poem itself.
its really not like i'm going to think of you as less of a person because of sub-perfect poetry...so whats the point of explaining yourself?
| BlondeTwiggy wrote: |
| Um, I think the point of reviewing is to give constructive feedback, not insulting and rude feedback. :]] |
please tell me how many constructive pointers were in my earlier post vs. how many "insulting and rude feedback". it might surprise you.
thank you. and by the way, what's that thing, ":]]", on the end of that sentence? |
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