Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  
The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
  Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Brick by Brick
Brick by Brick
by OverEasy in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 23, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic		 Digg It Del.icio.us


Memos of Bleeding Hearts

Topic ID: 36377
 View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum

516
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:09 am    Post subject: Memos of Bleeding Hearts Reply with quote

This is for Jared's Message contest. Reviews are greatly appreciated!

Memos of Bleeding Hearts

Dear Mum,

I’m leaving. I’m sorry, but I can’t stay in that house. Not with Dad being like he is.

I’ll call you once I’m far enough away.

Love, Sarah.

**

Daniel: Hi, you’ve reached the message-box of Daniel James. I can’t get to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Harriet: Dan, Sarah’s gone! Please call me back! She just packed up and left, she said she couldn’t stay in the house with you! I’ve called ten times, but she won’t pick up! Please call me back Dan, I don’t know what to do.

**

From: sarah_luvs_kittens@hotmail.com

To: james_w@aol.com

Subject: …

Hi James.

It’s Sarah. I don’t really know how to say this. You’ll find out anyway I guess, so I might as well say it.

I ran away. I’m writing this from an internet café. I won’t tell you where I am. But I’m fine… we’re both fine. I just couldn’t stay at home with dad the way he was acting. He was just… oh, I don’t know.

I love you,

S.

**

From: james_w@aol.com

To: sarah_luvs_kittens@hotmail.com

Subject: Where The Hell R U?!

Sarah,

Where are you? I’m going crazy with worry! Your mum has been over here about six times in the last hour demanding to see you. She thinks you’re hiding out here.

People at school are beginning to ask questions. Where are you? I’m worried sick.

James.

PS. Did you… you know. Get rid of it?

**

TEXT FROM RACHEL TO SARAH: Hey Sarah. Wer r u? U havnt been at skool 4 ages. Im getting worried. Reply, k? Luv ya.

TEXT FROM SARAH TO RACHEL: Rachel. I cnt tell u where I am. But I’m safe. Tell Mum n James that. I miss you.

**

Dear Diary,

I feel so bad. Everyone back at home is so worried about me. But I can’t go back, not like this. I’m huge now. But I’m safe. Well, safe enough. I took a train to the country, and I’m staying with my cousin Ben. He agreed to hide me.

Why am I even writing in this thing?

Sarah.

**

Sarah: Hi, this is Sarah. Leave a message.

Daniel: Sarah, it’s your father. Where are you, darling? It’s been a month. I’m sorry about what I said. I love you. Please come home, your mother is going crazy. At least let us know that you’re safe. Please Sarah, if not for me, then for your mother. I love you.

**

Sarah James

Safe

November 18

Dear Mum and Dad (and James and Rachel),

I’m safe. We’re both safe. Noah was born three days ago at the local hospital. I’m sorry about scaring you. I just didn’t know what to do, and Dad was being a jerk.

I want to come home. Please send $50 to Uncle Gus. He can arrange for me to take the train back home. (He didn’t know where I was, either. I’ve been staying with Ben.)

Love,

Sarah.

**

TEXT FROM RACHEL TO SARAH: Sarah! OMG! Your ok. And u had da baby! OMG! I cant wait 2 c him! Ive missed u! Ur dad came 2 my plac a few mins ago wiv da note. Im so happy! Rach.

**

Dear Diary,

I’m sitting in the back seat of my dad’s old truck. Next to me is baby Noah. Mum and Dad didn’t send the money for the train. Instead, Dad drove all night and arrived at Uncle Gus’s house this morning. We’re going home now.

Sarah.

**

Harriet: You’ve reached Harriet James. I can’t get to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone.

Daniel: I’ve got her, honey. She’s safe, and so is the baby. They’re just tired. We’re coming home now. I love you.

_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
natalie   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

34
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 34

300 Points
PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
Wow! This is a really strange way of setting out a story but I really enjoyed reading it.
I think that, if you wanted to, you could easily extend this into a much longer version. i want to find out more about the characters and see the plot line develop!

Anyway, good luck!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

164
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164

392 Points
PostPosted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I've seen something similar to this on here recently and on a few other places...I think it is going to have be really really well done to succeed holding everybody's interests. The first thing I want ti sdetails, particularly in diary entries and letters...I understand you can't have them in text messages because of character limitations and so forth....

I want to feel the desperate emotions of the characters and I on't so far but really enjoy the idea

_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
I love you. I swear I do.
Speaker of the Forum

409
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 872
Reviews: 409
Country: Where the big star in the sky doesn't leave
1533 Points
PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Hey choc, here as promised!

I liked the subject of this story. It was great how you made the reader wait till the end to figure out what was happening and that the MC was pregnant. Though you hinted at her being pregnant, it was very blunt and random. Try to add a little bit more hints. It'll keep the reader more interested. Your text messages and E-mails were great but they need a little bit more emotion. They just don't seem like something a parent who is missing their daughter would write or a pregnant teenager for that matter. All of these characters are under stressful circumstances. Paint that picture!
You followed the criteria for Jared's contest, which is good. And with a little bit of tweaking here and there this will be great.
Good Job and Keep Writing,
-Angel

_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
Kitty15   View This User's Portfolio
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend

1324
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5370
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1394 Points
PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:37 pm    Post subject: Re: Memos of Bleeding Hearts Reply with quote
chocoholic wrote:
This is for Jared's Message contest. Reviews are greatly appreciated!


Memos of Bleeding Hearts [Love the title: it's a little simple but very fitting.]

Dear Mum,

I’m leaving. I’m sorry, but I can’t stay in that house. Not with Dad being like he is.

I’ll call you once I’m far enough away.

Love, Sarah. [Writing in just letters is difficult and this is a good, realistic sort of note that a child might leave behind but the trouble is, it's too average: there's no personality behind it. You're using this letter to show us the voice of your narrator, so who is she? The sort of person that adds 'p.s. I've tidied my room' as a feeble attempt at a joke? The sort of person who rambles about where they've left this letter? Who is she? Think about it and see if you can't make the letter just a little longer and more unique.]

**

Daniel: Hi, you’ve reached the message-box of Daniel James. I can’t get to the phone right now, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

Harriet: Dan, Sarah’s gone! Please call me back! She just packed up and left, she said she couldn’t stay in the house with you! I’ve called ten times, but she won’t pick up! Please call me back Dan, I don’t know what to do. [Good characterization of the mother. It's interesting to see who she calls first and it suggests that the parents are living seperately? And yet, Harriet is saying this in a warm, familiar sort of way?]

**

From: sarah_luvs_kittens@hotmail.com

To: james_w@aol.com

Subject: …

Hi James.

It’s Sarah. I don’t really know how to say this. You’ll find out anyway I guess, so I might as well say it.

I ran away. I’m writing this from an internet café. I won’t tell you where I am. But I’m fine… we’re both fine. [I'm intrigued, what does she mean by both? If there's another with her, why didn't she mention him/ her in the letter she left for her mum?] I just couldn’t stay at home with dad the way he was acting. He was just… oh, I don’t know.

I love you,
S.

**

From: james_w@aol.com

To: sarah_luvs_kittens@hotmail.com

Subject: Where The Hell R U?! [So he doesn't spell properly but capitalises the first letter of every word? That seems a little strange.

Sarah,

Where are you? [color=red][And then types it out in full in the bulk of the e-mail? You need to be consistent, dear. Either he writes properly or in phonetics/ chat speech.] I’m going crazy with worry! Your mum has been over here about six times in the last hour demanding to see you. She thinks you’re hiding out here.

People at school are beginning to ask questions. Where are you? I’m worried sick.

James.

PS. Did you… you know. Get rid of it? [Ah, I take it she's pregnant then. Nice and subtle, I like that. I think this e-mail could show more emotion though. This is a distraught teenage boy whose girlfriend has gone missing and who is being harassed by her parents. Where's the fear or the worry, where's the anger?]

**

TEXT FROM RACHEL TO SARAH: Hey Sarah. Wer r u? U havnt been at skool 4 ages. Im getting worried. Reply, k? Luv ya. [The full stop should be removed and I'm not sure about the capital for 'wer' and such. This doesn't seem the sort of character who would use proper grammar.]

TEXT FROM SARAH TO RACHEL: Rachel. I cnt [Typo or on purpose?] tell u where I am. But I’m safe. Tell Mum n James that. I miss you. [Be more consistent. Don't have her alternate between u and you.]

**

Dear Diary,

I feel so bad. Everyone back at home is so worried about me. But I can’t go back, not like this. I’m huge now. But I’m safe. Well, safe enough. I took a train to the country, and I’m staying with my cousin Ben. He agreed to hide me.

Why am I even writing in this thing?

Sarah. [Again, this could show more personality. Is she scared? Is she relieved to be away? You need to convey your character's emotions, their feelings.]

**

Sarah: Hi, this is Sarah. Leave a message.

Daniel: Sarah, it’s your father. Where are you, darling? It’s been a month. I’m sorry about what I said. I love you. Please come home, your mother is going crazy. At least let us know that you’re safe. Please Sarah, if not for me, then for your mother. I love you. [It might be more interesting to have several messages here, all listed on Sarah's answer machine sort of thing. Have a real array of calls from her friends and parents. Have several from the father, maybe showing increasing worry/ anger. Maybe have him get angry and then call again a few minutes later to repent and beg her to come home. Show us bigger glimpses of their personalities.]

**

Sarah James
Safe
November 18
Dear Mum and Dad (and James and Rachel),

I’m safe. We’re both safe. Noah was born three days ago at the local hospital. I’m sorry about scaring you. I just didn’t know what to do, and Dad was being a jerk.

I want to come home. Please send $50 to Uncle Gus. He can arrange for me to take the train back home. (He didn’t know where I was, either. I’ve been staying with Ben.)

Love,
Sarah. [All a little too casual. This girl has been through a major event in her life. You need to show how she's shaken but coping.]

**

TEXT FROM RACHEL TO SARAH: Sarah! OMG! Your ok. And u had da baby! OMG! I cant wait 2 c him! Ive missed u! Ur dad came 2 my plac a few mins ago wiv da note. Im so happy! Rach. [Good use of phonetics but again, I think you should ditch the proper grammar.]

**

Dear Diary,

I’m sitting in the back seat of my dad’s old truck. Next to me is baby Noah. Mum and Dad didn’t send the money for the train. Instead, Dad drove all night and arrived at Uncle Gus’s house this morning. We’re going home now.

Sarah. [Emotion please!]

**

Harriet: You’ve reached Harriet James. I can’t get to the phone right now, so please leave a message after the tone.

Daniel: I’ve got her, honey. She’s safe, and so is the baby. They’re just tired. We’re coming home now. I love you. [Good ending. I like how it turns in a circle to the dad calling the mother now.]


Overall, I think your formatting is good and really unique and you've tackled the challenge well but you need to work on your characterization. This needs plumping out so that your reader cares more for the people involved and can really feel what they're thinking and visualise what they're going through. At the moment, you have a rather average situation of a teenage girl running away so she can her her baby. Except without the usual ranting and screaming which I have to admit is slightly refreshing.

But even so, where's the follow up to the boyfriends question of 'have you got rid of it?' That plot line seems to start and end right there. Where's her response to him? Where's her at least thinking it through, writing in her diary that she's angry at James for even suggesting something like that or confiding with it that the thought has crossed her mind.

This is a good start, it's promising but it needs fleshing out, dear. I hope this helps a little, feel free to pm me with questions,

Heather xx

_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
Novelist

164
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164

392 Points
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote
I have already reviewed it but I will do it again in more detail since you asked so nicely! Haha!

Quote:
Dear Mum,

I’m leaving. I’m sorry, but I can’t stay in that house. Not with Dad being like he is.

I’ll call you once I’m far enough away.

Love, Sarah.


As the first bit of correspondance I think the length and content is perfect...enough to make the reader wonder what on earth is going on and keeping enough information back to make them want to read on!

Quote:
Harriet: Dan, Sarah’s gone! Please call me back! She just packed up and left, she said she couldn’t stay in the house with you! I’ve called ten times, but she won’t pick up! Please call me back Dan, I don’t know what to do.


Love the desperation in this...perhaps you could emphasise certain words by putng them in italics...have a try and play around with it...see what you think

Quote:
Hi James.

It’s Sarah. I don’t really know how to say this. You’ll find out anyway I guess, so I might as well say it.

I ran away. I’m writing this from an internet café. I won’t tell you where I am. But I’m fine… we’re both fine. I just couldn’t stay at home with dad the way he was acting. He was just… oh, I don’t know.

I love you,
S.


I think the e-mail here, although it neds to be kept vague, could be a bit longer...useless information would be good, to show that she wants to keep the relationship going with james, but doesn't quite know how to under the circumstances

Quote:
Sarah,

Where are you? I’m going crazy with worry! Your mum has been over here about six times in the last hour demanding to see you. She thinks you’re hiding out here.

People at school are beginning to ask questions. Where are you? I’m worried sick.

James.

PS. Did you… you know. Get rid of it?


Needs more desperation...get cracking

Quote:
Dear Diary,

I feel so bad. Everyone back at home is so worried about me. But I can’t go back, not like this. I’m huge now. But I’m safe. Well, safe enough. I took a train to the country, and I’m staying with my cousin Ben. He agreed to hide me.

Why am I even writing in this thing?

Sarah.


The diary is going to be the most revealing of all these epistolary methods so make the most of it. You can make thi completely, honest, lengthy and heartfelt...it's the one section you could really milk description and detail

Was this any help?

_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
Pokémon! Gotta catch 'em all!
Master of the Forum

615
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 07 Oct 2007
Posts: 1720
Reviews: 615
Country: USA
937 Points
PostPosted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 2:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote
Chocoholic,

Hello! I’m here because I’m going around and judging/critiquing all of the entries for my contest! I want to tell you that you did EXTREMELY well. You had the best plot of all the entries. I want to commend you for that.

There is one major thing that stuck out at me during this entire story. You don’t give us the sense of anticipation. And suspense. If you were the mother, or father, or even boyfriend, wouldn’t you be going a little crazy, trying to find your daughter/girlfriend? The letters, emails and notes don’t seem too scared and frightened. I feel that this story would benefit a lot if you added some more emotion like that in them.

But anyway. Onto the judging!

Characterization: 6/10

Plot Idea: 10/10

Follows Rules: 10/10

Spelling and Grammar: 10/10

‘Cool’ meter: 10/10

Total: 46/50

Great job! I look forward to reading some more!

-Jared

Memos of Bleeding Hearts.doc
 Description:

Download
 Filename:  Memos of Bleeding Hearts.doc
 Filesize:  27 KB
 Downloaded:  9 Time(s)

_________________
Read The Novel House here!!

Enter the YWS Fanfic Contest Today!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 23, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic		    Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 23, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, No man or woman who tries to pursue an ideal in his or her own way is without enemies. - Daisy Bates
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society