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JFW1415
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 Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:07 am Post subject: Only Boxes |
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Well, I haven't posted anything in ages but just had to write this for school, so I figured I'd share it. Probably the first and last poetry you guys will see from me. xD
But yea, we had to write about rooms. So don't blame me for the lame subject. xD
Be harsh! I'm very interested as to what a harsh poetry critique is like. xD Oh, and punctuation help would be much appreciated. Or links to good sites on that. I never really learned it, and I know the rules are relaxes, so stylistic punctuation tips would help, I guess?
Only Boxes
I've only been here a year,
Yet already boxes crowd my space.
They're stacked against pale walls,
Where pictures were never hung.
They're hiding my bulletin board,
Where movie stubs were never stuck.
They're stuffed under my bed,
Where nothing but shoes had time to collect.
There's nothing left on my dresser
Or on my desk
Or even on my floor.
But then again,
There never was. |
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Ethan
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:50 am Post subject: |
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I liked. It was precise, simple and clear and the emphasis on similiar and related images (things not being put up, space being empty) was very effective.
It seems the poem ended abruptly though, but I guess that fits into the theme somewhat. Anyway, I thought it would have been better with one more line at the end to conclude it. Maybe rhyming or assonance with the last word or words, or something like that.
The punctuation was good and non-intrusive and the pace fitted the theme.
Overall, it's a good piece of poetry.  |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:31 am Post subject: |
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Hi Jelly!
Yet already boxes crowd my space. < “yet already” feels awkward here.
Where pictures were never hung. < I’d delete “were” here, it’s cumbersome.
Where movie stubs were never stuck. < again, remove the “were”
I think the repetition of “they’re” is working against you here. I’d suggest deleting the second completely and having an “and” for the second.
I’m not a huge fan of this, Jelly. I think you can do better – I realize writing poetry is a different experience and it is certainly hard, but with your talent in fiction, you should have a little more to say here. Already I can see how your writing impacted on this, in a good way. It’s a complete poem that says something, and you’ve some description and good symbolism. Now what you need to do is work on top of that to give this a bit more emotion.
I know what the narrator is saying, and why it takes on meaning, you’ve got all those elements here. But I don’t feel it. I could very well happily wander away from this and never remember it for that very reason. I want to feel something from the narrator. Right now I don’t even get a detached feeling, there’s just nothing, like the words don’t mean anything. As such, it fails to resonate with me.
Of course, different people will see this differently and it might smash home for someone else. Maybe think about how you could instill a little more feeling into the poem. I’d suggest in that last stanza, especially. Punctuation can really help with that. I’d also suggest you only capitalize those lines that are starting a new sentence. You don’t have to, but it looks, and feels, a little better if you do. Think of a poem as a slightly disjointed narrative. It’s similar, just a little different in structure. Poems tend to miss words and be more personal with the narrator.
I’d also suggest just reading a few “real” or published poems. The Writers Society has a good database that you might want to check out.
If you change this at all, tell me. I’d love to see it. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:41 am Post subject: |
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It's real good for someone inexperienced in poetry. You should try writing it more oten, Jelly Bean. I think you could get to be good at it =) But with that said, I hope you don't mind me tearing this attempt to pieces...
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Only Boxes
I've only been here a year, [You need a more dramatic opening line and one that doesn't read like the first line of a novel. In poetry, it's okay to miss information out and move straight to the meat. It's okay to be fragmented and not entirely clear. I'd suggest going straight to the boxes.]
Yet already boxes crowd my space.
They're stacked against pale walls,
Where pictures were never hung.
They're hiding my bulletin board,
Where movie stubs were never stuck. [You need metaphors, personification and similes, dear. You need clever, witty phrases that squish lines of meaning all together. These are the lines of a novelist, not a poet. I'd suggest something along the line of:
'Boxes invade my transient space,
adhesive as the window stains
with no opportunity to settle -
here.']
They're stuffed under my bed,
Where nothing but shoes had time to collect. [Again, personification my dear and maybe assonance:
'They lurk beneath my bed,
consuming space where shoes
should have slept silently.']
There's nothing left on my dresser
Or on my desk
Or even on my floor.
But then again,
There never was. [The ending is weak. Your poetry needs to make a point. It needs to show the narrator's reluctance to leave this place that she's only occupied for a year, that barely even shows signs of living in but is still hers. Or is she excited to be gone? Is that why nothing was ever here, because she couldn't bare to collect items for a transient home?] |
The trouble is, dear, you're not conveying any sort of story, emotion or point and a poem has to have at least one of those three. Just as a novel needs plot and characterization and description, poetry has its own factors to be fulfilled and to top it off, it needs to have everything that a complete novel has in just a few short lines. That is what makes a real poem.
Here, you'd be best to aim for narrative poetry so you need a story. You need a character and you need to show what these boxes mean to him/ her and hint at both the past and the future. You need to show your narrator's emotions and what's significant about these boxes. Clearly they're symbolic of the narrator's life but you have to use that.
I'm not being too clear... but I hope this helps a little and please do give poetry a try dear. I think you'd like it if you gave it a real chance,
Heather xx |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
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This is quite a good poem, although a couple of things scream "SCHOOL PROJECT!"
1. You saying it's a school project.
2. The "yet already". Please, please, no!
3. Actually, the whole first stanza sounds like "I wrote on this topic because I had to".
| Quote: |
| Yet already boxes crowd my space. |
The already is a bit awkward. I think this has been said before. If you put "already" at the end of the line it may sound better. Plus, "yet" is used in just about every school poem ever written in the history of time. It sounds fake, like you're trying to be a poet with sophisticated language. You might be like that, you might not. That's just the instant image I get of people who use "yet".
| Quote: |
| Where pictures were never hung.They're hiding my bulletin board,Where movie stubs were never stuck. |
PenguinAttack was right. Get rid of the were's. Sticking and Hanging are both verbs that can mean "to stick up" and "to hang up" or they can mean "to stay sticking" and "to stay hanging". Putting "were" in automatically makes it the first example, but if you took them out they would be the second one. which would give more of a sense of time cut short.
Now, when I said the first stanza sounded like you wrote on the topic because you had to, it wasn't because it's forced or anything. The extra words, like "already" and "were", give you away. You need to say what you want to say in the least words. These extras are a bit like when you've had a meal and are full, but then someone shoves some more food in your mouth. You don't want it; you don't need it. So don't add it.
On the other hand, the second stanza is great! It sounds much more flowing, much more like you wrote it of your own accord.
Overall, this is a very good poem. Good work! |
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