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BlondeTwiggy
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 Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: To an Unloved Rose. |
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If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog—
Despair you not: for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle,
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal. |
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Vampire Lover
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:01 am Post subject: |
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i honestly loved it! it was very good and interesting. It rhymed but also made since at the same time.
i saw no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. very good  |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: Re: To an Unloved Rose. |
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[quote="BlondeTwiggy"]If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog—>>I like this a perfect begging I swear!
Despair you not: for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle,
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal.[/quote]>>>AWW!!! I love how you ended it, you are a true poet.
After reading this I want to be your BFF, lol, hey I'm max and I just totally distroyed your poem, sorry >_< it was just so good, you have a very advanced vocabulary it's very impressive in a writers work. Anyways PM me if you have any questions.
-Max |
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kittykat
la lalala la...
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:03 am Post subject: |
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First of all, welcome to YWS.
Second of all... I have no idea why you aren't already a published poet by now! This is one of the most shortest, and simplest, poems I've ever read on here. Yet it's so sweet and beautiful. I'm sort of jelous...
The only problems I have are:
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If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog— |
It should end in a period after fog instead of the dash, er, line... thing. Also, it's really not nessesary to have every beginning letter of every line capitalized. Hmm... I think that's it. ^_^
I hope I get to see more of your work around! PM me if you have any questions or need help with something. 
-kittykat |
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JADEREDNALIH
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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Oh my god! i loved it... but i must admit i felt totally stupid the first ( no really the second and third time) time i read it. I had no clue what it meant. I could understand but i may not have been paying much attention
but then the fourth time i read it... I loved it. thank you and you don't know how much i see in this poem ... i would tell you but i would sound intirely to stupid |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
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| I didn't see any major grammar mistakes in this poem, so good job there. I loved the poem, it flowed nicely. Good work. It had a nice rhyming scene and it worked great. Keep writing and keep up the phenominal work. |
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Well done.
I liked the rhyming and thought it was very clever. Keep writing!
C.C |
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BlondeTwiggy
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:07 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for the kind reviews, everyone.
October Girl...Thank you lol and it's okay about the quote thing...sometimes it can be a pain. I am flattered by your comments.  Thanks.
JADEREDNALIH...Nah, you won't, what do you see? I would love to know.
kittykat...Actually, the first stanza is the first clause, so if you put a period after "fog" it would be a fragment, I think...correct me if I'm wrong. I think in poetry it is normal to have the first word of every line capitalized, except for maybe in "modern" poetry (of which I have numerous invectives, but that's another rant for another day). Thanks for your lovely comments. |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:13 am Post subject: Re: To an Unloved Rose. |
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[quote="BlondeTwiggy"]If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog—[/quote[
dont capitalize "tree" and dont contract "you are" into "you're"; it gives the poem a slang- or urban-like feel that the rest of the work definitely does not convey
Ha ha...no. dont ever do this unless you want to be seen as someone who desperately is trying to act "classical" or "wise". just say "do not despair".
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for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle, |
again, your completely runing the poem by juggling around terms and words where they should not be. say "for soon the sun will meddle with the droplets". its that simple.
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And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal. |
again, why capitalize? other than that, these last two lines were well-written and poignant.
in general, i was thrown off by the odd phrasing throughout the poem and i felt that you were just doing that to rhyme. listen, rhyme isn't everything - plenty of great poems dont have it, so do not think that you need to sacrifice the rest of your poem just to get some words that sound the same. |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:47 am Post subject: Re: To an Unloved Rose. |
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| BlondeTwiggy wrote: |
If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain—
You’re motionless in fog— |
dont capitalize "tree" and dont contract "you are" into "you're"; it gives the poem a slang- or urban-like feel that the rest of the work definitely does not convey
Ha ha...no. dont ever do this unless you want to be seen as someone who desperately is trying to act "classical" or "wise". just say "do not despair".
| Quote: |
for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle, |
again, your completely runing the poem by juggling around terms and words where they should not be. say "for soon the sun will meddle with the droplets". its that simple.
| Quote: |
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal. |
again, why capitalize? other than that, these last two lines were well-written and poignant.
in general, i was thrown off by the odd phrasing throughout the poem and i felt that you were just doing that to rhyme. listen, rhyme isn't everything - plenty of great poems dont have it, so do not think that you need to sacrifice the rest of your poem just to get some words that sound the same. |
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running_with_the_devil
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:48 am Post subject: |
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Wow.
This is so well written.
The way it was worded...flawless. :]
I didnt really understand why you capitalized somethings...
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And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal |
Oaks and Petal....
Although nature is so awesome it deserves a capital letter. Lol.
But I really liked this.
It painted a good picture and is a great metaphor for many things. :] |
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hamerkid2
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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nice poem. unique and interesting.
It has a rhythm that works well with the lines in the poem.
There aren't any grammar mistakes and it is prefect the way it is now.
Keep up the good work. |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 9:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Loved your poem. so envoius. i wish i could write poetry that good-i cant. |
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StolenHearts.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 1:45 am Post subject: |
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Hello there,
This poem from short and simple I loved it, full of meaning and very sweet. I wish I could write poems like this but, I can only write sad things. I have no suggestions it was perfect and got to the point :]
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If you remain a tiny rose
Alone behind the log—
A Tree, immense, denies the rain— --I love this part it gives great imagery.
You’re motionless in fog—
Despair you not: for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle,
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal.--perfect ending |
So happy i read this it was fantastic good luck with future pieces.
With all due respect,
Mackenzie |
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luv2write42
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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Wow I absolutely love this poem. It is short, but it works. I love the imagery and word choices. Your rhymes came so naturally and beautifully.
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Despair you not: for soon the Sun
Will with the droplets meddle,
And twenty Oaks could not possess
The beauty of a Petal. |
I love it |
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