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This thread was created on September 22, 2008
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War (Ask Me No Questions)
Topic ID: 36360
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The Cheshire Cat
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Posts: 83
Reviews: 27
Country: USA
297 Points
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 Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: War (Ask Me No Questions) |
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Ask me no questions
I’ll tell you no lies
Share me no secrets
You’ll get no surprise
Wish for a quick death
Kill for the sky
Live for a brave fight
Or don’t even try.
Fight with your comrades
Laugh with your foes
Cry no tears, small child
As the bells begin to toll
When Death come’s a knockin’
Don’t answer the door.
Better left unsaid
Heed child, to the lore
As you lay in a dark hell
Laugh softly my love
Your honor you have torn
Those you lost rest above
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Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Aug 2008
Posts: 267
Reviews: 70
Country: Candyland
593 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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Zomg gurl!!!!!!!! That was grreaatt!!!! the only critique i can give you is that you didnt explain how the soldier died.. its like you almost skipped a verse. but other than that, I thought it was totally awesome  I loved it! |
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natalie
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 26 Jun 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 34
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:38 pm Post subject: |
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I really enjoyed this poem, it held a great amount of feeling and imagery, something very important when writng poetry.
The one thing I will say is that I feel the rhythm is slightly out at times, and the fact that the third stanza doesn't follow the same rhyming pattern doesn't add to it, I'm afraid.
I loved the rhyming throughout the rest of the poem.
The first stanza was definitely the best for me, it really stood out.
In general, I thought this was a great piece of work, keep it up!
Good Luck! |
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bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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i really liked this! you captured some amazing feeling and things to think about were commonly told
your rhyming is lovely and it really works with the piece.
the reader is involved and does think about what is being said.
i would say that sometimes the rhythm got slightly lost so just make sure its consistent
other than that, i love this! 
especially the last line. very comforting
great work and hope i have been of some help! |
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| This thread was created on September 22, 2008 |
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