Topic ID: 36348
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bisquit
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 Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: When the world sleeps |
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was bored when i did this...not much good...thought it was about time i uploaded something new though/
When the World sleeps
Peace did not prevail through the world that night,
Nor the following day, week or month
did it shatter the up roaring drum inside man’s heart
urging them to unnecessarily fight.
The days grew longer, rougher and more hate echoed
Through the concrete world,
Imbedded in mist and heartless chills
The voice of an abandoned child crowed.
No one answered through the still of the night
For the world constantly slept,
Oblivious to the hate just around the corner,
When they woke up, it would be too late. |
Last edited by bisquit on Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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vox nihili
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Country: There's no frigate like a book...
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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Oooh. Chilling. It's one of the few poems on here that, sequentially-makes sense! (just talking about the poems on this site in gerneral. i don't think i've read anything of yours before.) "up roaring" should be one word. Did you mean 'still' instead of 'shrill of night?"
It was good. About the poems when bored thing-sometimes i write best when i'm bored. it's a pretty good poem. Good description, a good conveyance of emotion. just clarify what is so shrill in the night or change 'shrill' to something else.  |
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If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone. |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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thanks very much, i will make those changes.  and thanks for taking the time to read my work |
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Passion
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:20 pm Post subject: you're poem |
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| nice and it's really cool. don't need any changes to me, but my poems do need help, so if by chance can you check 'em out? |
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esteria
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Country: Tanzania
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| Posted: Tue Oct 14, 2008 9:54 am Post subject: |
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short and precise, i liked it . it makes one think doesnt really need changes .my favorite part was
'No one answered through the still of the night
For the world constantly slept,
Oblivious to the hate just around the corner,
When they woke up, it would be too late.'
i liked the use of the word oblivious since its the perfect word to describe the state that we exist in in relation to the dangers and sufferings that the world goes through as long as we are ok. Great poem |
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