Topic ID: 36340
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deavarna_satina
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Posts: 80
Reviews: 53
Country: I come from the land down unda!
200 Points
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 Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 5:45 am Post subject: |
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Icaruss:
Lol, I'm glad at least someone got that it's a flashback.
Yeah, I know it's not finished. It's a long and complicated story.
Hmm... I guess the flashback is rather irrelevant. I just wanted to introduce everything properly. Maybe I'll go back and start from a more relevant scene.
I spoke of brutality merely for the benefit of some of the younger readers here. Any 'brutal' element to it is simply found in my taking off the fuzzy edges and being blunt. Perhaps blunt would be a better word to use, then.
Well I'll certainly work on keeping the same element of realism in the rest of the story. A bit of a rewrite might be needed.
Thanks for all the pointers  It helps, as I'm not used to writing realism.
JosephDean:
Thanks for reading 
Yeah, blunt is what I was going for. I guess I got sick of writing fuzzy wuzzy stories, when life isn't like that.
Jemima:
You're not the first to comment on the flashback. I can't seem to get my head around why it's so confusing... Thanks for reading.
~Hailey~ xoxo |
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running_with_the_devil
Junior Writer
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Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 11
Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:42 pm Post subject: |
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OH GOODNESS! I LOVE THIS! This piece just captured me and makes me wonder what the full story is with Jake and Sam.
I loved the way that you went back in time after their night together. I think there night was described well, the way she didn't exactly enjoy herself and Jake, like any other guy, most likely did.
This piece is also very descriptive, like how you said that Rachel's hair was "mahogony", pardon me if my spelling is wrong.
Great piece.
I would love to read some more of your writings!
:] |
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Jemima
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Joined: 24 Sep 2008
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Country: Australia
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 7:20 am Post subject: |
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Reading that a second time actually didn't make the flashback confusing for me. The principal must be scary, especially since she's wearing canary yellow. I think you should write more of the story, maybe it will help people to understand it better. (smack) By the way you're not ugly, considering I know who u r, I know you're not ugly. silly girl. I agree with some of the others point of views the sex bit was disturbing, especially the bit where he's washing himself. I thought only dogs did that.
I want to read more of this story, so submit it already. |
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KissKiss08
Senior Writer
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Joined: 12 Sep 2008
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Reviews: 13
344 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 9:43 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked it, you had good descriptions and i really got attached to the main character. Um, I don't understand why everyone is so confused by the flashback. But I'm sure a second chapter would clear it up.
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Speaking of that, if they're old enough to have sex, they are too old to have recess.
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ok, I agree in some ways. I personally havent had recess since elementary school, or 5th grade. But at the same time different countries, or different regions have different cultures and schools and so I don't think its fair to say that she wouldn't have recess.
But since more than one person has said this, I personally would change it to study hall, or lunch or something, just to clear up the confusion.
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| And I'm a little confused why she was so upset that she had sex with him. Was it because she just wasn't ready yet? I would make that a little more clear. |
I assume you will clear this up in a new chapter?
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| I don't think I will post anymore of this story on here. |
Please don't give up on it. It is a good story. I really don't understand why the flashback is confusing, but that is just advice to help you fix the story, dont throw it away, it has a good theme and your going in the right direction. you just need to clear some things up. I don't believe in spelling everything out, but maybe it was hard for some people. I really don't know how to tell you to fix it, because, I didn't really have any problems with it. I thought it was a great story, and I wasn't confused at all.
Point is, don't give up, I really think a second chapter would help clear things up alot. |
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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960 Points
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:09 am Post subject: |
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Satina, I thought this was really good, like all your work is. You already know I am a big fan of yours so I'll just cut right to the review  hehe
The only part that wierded me out was the beginning when she said she couldn't stay with him and then she cried? Did she not want to do that? Or was she just scared? I'm slightly confused at that point...
Otherwise, it was very good!
Hope you write more of this! |
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MeetMeAtTheParade
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300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
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The flashback was not confusing at all.
Obviously, some people are not attentive. |
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Moon_Magic_
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Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: WOW!!!!!! |
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| That story was sooooo awesome! Hey if you could, read my poetry sometime! Plz and thx! -Amber Rose |
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RoryLegend
what the fetch
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330 Points
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| Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 4:53 am Post subject: |
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I'm just going to come out and say it. The flashback did not confuse me at all, not even a bit. I knew exactly what was going on.
Alright.
I do think that the sex bit is slightly alarming but thats probably how I would feel too. I would probably actually freak out even more worse. I freaked out last week when on my first date (and I'm sixteen mind you) a guy held my hand. Now I am considerably weird and have issues haha. On the whole the way you took the scene was much better than some pink fluffy marshmallow scene where its so great and they love each other oh so much.
Anyways I like this, of course you can always improve but I think some improvements should be left up to the author to find.
I can't wait to hear some more, let me know when it is out.
--Rory |
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Clup91
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364 Points
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| Posted: Thu Nov 13, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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To be honest, it wasn't confusing at all. I liked it: it seems truthful, fun and deeper than most romantic fiction posted here.
I'd like to read more (if you write some) and if you do write more, PM me! |
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Wiggy
I'm singing and dancing in the rain...
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334 Points
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| Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 5:26 am Post subject: |
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Hi there!
I really liked your beginning and your narrator's voice. It was very Bella-esque (we all do tend to imitate the writers we like ^_^), but it still kept me interested. However, as time went on, I sort of lost interest in the story. I'm a sucker for new kid comes to town/girl doesn't want to fall in love with him but does anyway story lines, but your story was full of cliched characters. So, you got your blonde cheerleader, your evil principal, your boring math teacher, your depressed best friend, a feisty you--so what? We've heard that story line before. We've seen those characters before. The challenge of this story is to still create a working plot line that doesn't have cliched charcters. What if you switched things up a bit, added some deeper elements, etc.? The blonde turns out to be the principal's daughter, so she's expected to get the new boy. The narrator's best friend falls hard for Jake and it becomes a struggle to see will win the guy and if they can salvage a friendship.
You could also just have everyone abducted by aliens. That tends to work well.
Overall, you have a very engaging style, and I enjoyed reading the story. Just work on those cliches, and you might have a story. Best of luck!
Wiggy |
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midnightsun10135
Junior Writer
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Joined: 21 Oct 2008
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Country: where the grass is green and the sky is blue The big ole' USA
198 Points
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| Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 3:13 am Post subject: |
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| This is very good.Or great. But it's confusing. You think she loves jake first and then shes sorta hates or fears him.? |
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