Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Young Writers Society
News:  

The Top 25!

Favorite part of writing?
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Broken - 8
Broken - 8

by CastlesInTheSky in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 22, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Down the Drain Chapter 1
Down the Drain Chapter 1
Melosica - Chapter 1
Melosica: Chapter 2 extended
Melosica: Chapter 3 part one.
Melosica: Chapter 3 part two.
Down the Drain - Chapter 2
Down the Drain - Chapter 3
Down the Drain - Chapter 5
Down the Drain - Chapter 6
Down the Drain - Chapter 7
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Beyond the hills-Chapter 1
Beyond the hills-Chapter 2
Beyond the Hills-Chapter 3
Beyond the hills-Chapter 4
Beyond the hills-Chapter 5
Beyond the hills-Chapter 6
Beyond the hills-Chapter 7
Beyond the Hills - Chapter 8
Beyond the Hills - Chapter 9
Beyond the Hills - Chapter 10
Beyond the Hills - Chapter 11

Down the Drain Chapter 4

Topic ID: 36331
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

32
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 13
Joined: 24 Aug 2008
Posts: 194
Reviews: 32
Country: South Africa
123 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:23 pm    Post subject: Down the Drain Chapter 4 Reply with quote

Will looked out over the plains. It was a dull sight. It was a massive plateau of yellowish sand with a minute path cutting through it all.

“Don’t worry, it’s not that far. My husband exaggerated. I hate him.” Fatina said, and then clamped hand over her mouth with a terrified and guilty face.

“What?” Will asked fast. He was sliding into the role of god quite easily.

“A wife may never talk like that about her husband.” She said hastily.

“Well… Its fine by me.” Will said reassuringly “But…If you hate him, why did you marry him?”

“Arranged-marriage. You said that it is law yourself.” Fatina replied.

“Let me guess…that is in the legend.” Will said hoping it was true.

“Of course. Is it not true?”

“No. I would say that you leave that marriage. Divorce.” Will said. I might consider a marriage counsellor as a job. Will thought with a grin.

“I think I will.” Fatina said. Fatina stormed in the direction of her house.

“Fatina! We’re three miles away!” Will called out. But not even a god can stop an angry woman.

Will had raced after Fatina, determined to see what was going to happen. He knew that he wasn’t going to get far, but he might catch up with Fatina, who had a six minute lead on him. All of a sudden, Will felt a hand grab his foot. Will tripped, but when he looked back over his shoulder, he saw no-one there. Curios, he stood up, and walked there. There, poking out of the sand, was a greyish hand. It moved. Suddenly, an entire body lifted out of the sand. It looked precisely like Will. Same clothes and all. Will stared in horror. The Body turned around. It was Will. He was looking at himself. Then the body talked, in the same voice as Will would’ve.

“I am Wel.”

* * *

Will didn’t forget the legend that Fatina told him at their meeting. Wel was supposed to kill the first person he saw. Well, Will thought he wasn’t the real Wel, and well, here was the real Wel. Wel stuck out a grey hand, and grabbed Will by the throat. Will kicked and punched at Wel, but nothing happened. Wel was unfazed. Wel lifted Will up so that Will was now hovering above the ground. As Will felt the very life being squeezed out of him, he saw something strange. Wel was growing. Will’s lungs were rasping for a bit of air. He felt a headache coming from a shortage of blood in his brain. Will then concluded in what he thought to be his final moments in life that Wel was growing on his very life force. Then he everything went black.

* * *

Molly wasn’t enjoying her freedom very much. First of all, she was lost. She had made her way out of the house with ease since none of the owners were around. But now that she was out on the street, she was lost. Everywhere people were giving her strange looks. Here and there, there was a small table alongside the road which sold food and clothes. Suddenly, Molly noticed why she was getting strange looks. She was wearing clothes from her world. It should’ve looked strange. A thirteen year old girl dressed in a cashmere black jacket in the middle of a dessert. These people didn’t even know what the word cashmere meant. Molly should’ve been hot, sweating and tiring, but she was none of those things. It was quite strange she admitted. But then again the entire world was strange. All of a sudden she saw her captors. There were two of them, and they were looking straight at her. She looked back at them, her eyes urging them on. She thought of all the poor innocent people that they had taken hostage and sold like items. She felt an electric sensation tingling on her finger tips. She lifted her finger, pointed right at them. Then, its safe to say that Molly’s freedom and luck was demolished.

* * *

Will stared up at the caring face of Fatina. I shouldn’t be seeing anything. Much less look at Fatina. He thought. I shouldn’t even be thinking!!

“You’re awake.” She said in her casual sweet voice. Then the unexpected happened. Fatina took her hand, and with the back of her hand, she hit him right across the cheek.

“You bloody bastard!!” She shouted.

“Who…Who…” Will stuttered. “What did I do?”

“Well I don’t know Wel. Maybe you should ask yourself that!” Fatina shouted, obviously sarcastic.

“Umm…” Will stuttered again. What had he possibly done wrong?

“You! You said you are Wel! You’re not!!” Fatina shouted mad. Will gaped. I feel like a fish. He thought. Fatina gave him another backhand. Will felt his cheek beginning to swell up.

“In my world, that would be child abuse. I could take you to court.” Will said, regaining his previous sarcasm.

“Your world?” Fatina asked suspiciously. Suddenly, Will noticed what he just said.

“Can’t I do anything without messing everything up?” He mumbled.

“So you do come from an other world?” Fatina asked.

“Yes.” Will said glumly. Fatina slapped him again.

“Ouch!!! What was that for?!?!” Will shouted.

“You lie again!” She shouted.

“Don’t hit me again. I come from another world. I can talk about all the different countries there. There’s Africa, Asia, America, Europe, Austral-” He was cut off when Fatina’s flat hand came thundering down again. Will cringed. The awaited slap never arrived.

* * *

A great blue stream of power sprouted out of Molly’s fingers, and raced towards her captors. All of a sudden, even before her blue magic could reach her captors, a horn sounded. It was not the kind of horn Molly suspected to be a war horn, or even a warning horn, but it sounded festive. Her blue beam forked, one heading to each captor. They hit the slave traders solidly in their chests. They stood still, looking surprised. All of a sudden, their clothes blackened. Then they themselves blackened. Then, unexpectedly, they crumbled to dust. Molly watched, amazed at her new found power. And then, two women ran to the crumbled dust piles. They were weeping! As Molly peered at the two women, she saw that each wore a gold ring on the ring finger of their left hand. They were married to the men that she had just crumbled. Then, off all the emotions Molly could feel, she felt grief. She didn’t want to kill someone’s husband. As she thought about it, her eyes started to water. She didn’t mean to kill anyone. But now, she had killed a husband, a child, and probably a father. Molly burst into a full out cry. She was so engulfed in her own emotions that she didn’t notice that it was raining. Neither did she feel the five guards’ hands grab her, or even the amethyst shackles binding her feet and hands together.

* * *

Will stared in bewilderment at the flat hand hovering above him. Will didn’t want Fatina to slap him again, and he wanted to stop her, but this was a bit much. She tried to hit him again, this time with the other hand. Will winced. Again it stopped three centimetres from his face. Now what Will was mostly, was curios. Now he concentrated on thinking that it was fine for Fatina to hit him. And when her hand came down again with more strength than last time, she hit him. Her fist came hurtling towards Will, and it hit him. His nose. He heard a tiny crack. Then, he thought to himself Damn, nose broken. Then he said it. Then he felt it.

* * *

When Molly finally woke, she found herself in a carriage again. The rain had stopped. With her in the dark wet carriage there was three older looking women. One looked liked a typical witch. A black cloak with crumpled white hair that looked more like woven cobwebs than hair. She had a long pointy chin with a mole on the tip. Her nose was beak like. The other two looked nice enough to be Molly’s grandmother. They were both crying and crossing their two wrinkled index fingers to form a cross, and pointing it towards the witch-like woman.

“Me sisters.” The witch-like woman said when she saw Molly watching them.

“That there is the sign against dark spirits and demons. I am e witch.” Molly looked at her as if she was crazy. Witches didn’t exist.

“Me name is Crossante and I fancy meself as quite good at magic. What I heard of was that you aren’t to shabby yerself. They say that you killed those two piles of ashes out there. But what I don’t understand, is how can you kill ashes? They don’t have a life to take away! That’s de problem with these people if you have the slightest glint of magic, they burn ye. I once knew of a baby who was born with Logr, a magical rune-mark if you didn’t know. The baby, and the mother were thrown into river Infinitif to see if they floated. Poor mother couldn’t swim and drowned. Baby floated. Shot de poor thing with an arrow.” Molly could see that this woman wasn’t even going to think about stopping talking even for a second.

“Well, everyone knows that there are six groups of magic. Light, dark, water, fire, air and earth. The baby floated because it had Logr, which in the ancient language means water. So, he had water magic. They think that magic is evil. But they don’t know about our cities. It’s so magnificent…have you ever been in a city of magical beings?”

“No.” Molly mumbled, eager to learn more about this world. “Not! Poor thing. A witch that has never been with “er own kind. Well the cities are magnificent. Like Beua for example. It is built entirely from wood. Rustwood. Do you know what Rustwood is?”

“No.”

“It’s a wood that’s red. Very red. The windows aren’t glass, but a slice of wood so thin that it turns transparent. And D’oriente. The capital. That one city rules the entire magical population. It has a twenty meter high wall, made of compacted dragon scales. The scales “em selves are violet-blue. Beat-” Crossante was interrupted when the carriage came to a sudden halt. Molly could hear footsteps coming round the carriage. The two massive doors closing the carriage were swung open bringing brilliant light into her eyes. She could see nothing for a few seconds, then her eyes adjusted. There was a man standing there.. He was massive with ferocious looking cuts on his bare arms and cheeks.

“Ready to burn witch?” He asked


_________________
Don't juge a book by it's cover.

http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic37432.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

462
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Reuben,

Ello! How are you on this very cloudy day? I trust that well C: To you review, though:



Quote:
What?” Will asked fast.

Quickly.


Quote:
But not even a god can stop an angry woman.

Oh, pff ^^


Quote:
Will thought he wasn’t the real Wel, and well, here was the real Wel.

I’m confused.


Quote:
It was quite strange she admitted.

Comma.


Quote:
Then, its safe to say that Molly’s freedom and luck was demolished.

Awkward phrasing.


Quote:
He thought. I shouldn’t even be thinking!!

Why the double exclamation? Nuuh.


Quote:
There’s Africa, Asia, America, Europe, Austral-”

Hehe. Countries, yes. ^^ Intentional, I think?


Quote:
t was not the kind of horn Molly suspected to be a war horn, or even a warning horn, but it sounded festive.

Run-on. Split last part from sentence.


Quote:
Now what Will was mostly, was curios.

Curious. Awkward phrasing, consider rephrasing. Next sentence starts with the same word, change that.


Quote:
I am e witch.”

A.


Quote:
ogr, a magical rune-mark if you didn’t know.

Comma before “if”. Next comma in next sentence not needed.


Quote:
“No.” Molly mumbled, eager to learn more about this world. “Not!

Two people are speaking - press enter, separating their dialogue from each other.


Quote:
“Ready to burn witch?

Comma before “witch”.


***


-> The first thing I noticed (without even reading, just skimming), is that the dialogue punctuations is wrong. D.P. is really easy, once you get the hang of it. Only a few rules, but what wisdom one gains, heh.
Here’s a link to something written by Snoink: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/article19430.html

Contemplate. If you still have any problems, feel free to PM me - I’ll tell you if I know the answer, heh.


-> Thoughts are usually, but not always, in italics. Even if they aren’t, they still have to stand out from the rest of the text, somehow. (also, below: “counselor“?)

Quote:
I might consider a marriage counsellor as a job. Will thought with a grin.


Another thing: Blah, blah, blah (as in, “blah” - the thought) COMMA (,) XYW thought.


-> Very fast pace the story has. Which is okay, really, but I still - consider slowing down a bit? This goes especially to the first section, where the action should have been slower, yes.

-> Emotion. See, what’s happening is narrated to us, to the reader. Which is fine, but apart from seeing, knowing, we’re supposed to care, too. Or, in this case, care more? See, there’s this scene when Molly kills people - I didn’t feel her grief. And I should have.


-> I like your use of vocabulary and generally the phrasing.

-> Molly’s my fave character, I think. And the witch C:

-> The story I liked - plot seems interesting (two worlds?), and I find myself wondering what’ll happen next (: Mysterious powers, yes? Hmm…



Keep writing,
Esme

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on September 22, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on September 22, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Of those who say nothing, few are silent. - Thomas Neill
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society