Topic ID: 36323
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
 Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 12:17 am Post subject: What is real? |
 |
|
Okay, I'm really nervous because this will be the first poetry I have ever submited on this site.
It just kind of came to me and I thought I would post it and see what everyone says.
I'm a novice at this sort of stuff so harsh critism is welcome.
If I'm in the wrong forum, just let me know because I have no idea where to post this. 
Well, hopefully I don't disappoint.
Happy Reading! 
_______________________
What is real?
Will you forever be a figment of my imagination?
Will you forever be a never-ending dream?
You seem so real as if you stand right before me
I catch myself talking to you
Laughing at your jokes
Smiling when your lips curl into a grin
Your face is beyond anything an artist could create
Your eyes are like pools too deep to measure
Your lips are defined like no others
Your body is that of a champion's
So that means you can only be but a figment of my imagination
You will forever cease to exist only in that of my dreams
You live only in my reality |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
bisquit
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Jun 2008
Posts: 107
Reviews: 64
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
hey, no need to be nervous! you have a talent. this was a very well written and thought out poem.  great work!
there are some amazing lines in this and the purpose was very clear woop!
obviously i want to help so i will suggest one or two things that might assist you.
Firstly, punctuation. I know its not very fun but the end result is much easier to understand with it
you just need a little bit more to break down the stanzas.
i love the link back to the beginning at first i wasnt sure if the beginning was actually necessary but hen i read the end, i realised that it works well
hope i have helped
bisquit |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Bisquit:
Yeah, you helped a lot! Thanks so much for looking at this!
I have never had much talent in the poetry department but I'm glad you enjoyed this!
Thanks again for reading! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
KJ
She moves in mysterious ways...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 644
Reviews: 466
Country: USA
170 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 5:10 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| You seem so real as if you stand right before me |
This felt awkward to me. I would do something like this instead: You seem so real, as if you're standing right before me.
Otherwise, I will be utterly unhelpful. I loved it
It was very bittersweet and well-put together. Keep writing poetry, Ash. I liked it. |
_________________
I need critiques on my story Because: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36505.html
An author in his book must be like God in the universe, present everywhere and visible nowhere ~Gustave Flaubert |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
KJ:
Thanks, hon, I'm glad you liked it!
It kind of just came to me one day and I couldn't help but post it!
Thanks again! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Galerius
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 197
Reviews: 101
733 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: Re: What is real? |
|
|
| ashleylee wrote: |
Will you forever be a figment of my imagination?
Will you forever be a never-ending dream? |
bad bad bad way to start off a poem. meaningles repetition, vapid ideas, and incoherent connection are all present in this sectoin...yeah, i'd suggest cutting this whole stanza out. and if you realy care enough to keep it, then don't repeat unless theirs a reason and definitely dont say the same thing over and over again. also, its vague and a poem should begin with something the reader can immediatley identify with
| Quote: |
You seem so real as if you stand right before me
I catch myself talking to you |
that means you dont want to talk to this person? whats going on here?
| Quote: |
Laughing at your jokes
Smiling when your lips curl into a grin |
you make his/her "grin" sound sinister and evil. also, curling doesnt work because lips dont curl...that would mean they roll up, which is bad imagery. use "
| Quote: |
| Your face is beyond anything an artist could create |
boring, cliched. yeah, your face is beautiful, yay. no depth, no inner meaning behind it.
| Quote: |
| Your eyes are like pools too deep to measure |
that phrase is probably the most dry and most overused phrsae ive ever heard in my life. "eyes like pools" shows that you didnt think very much before just writing down something that sounded good.
| Quote: |
| Your lips are defined like no others |
didnt you already contrast this? yeah, saying "no artist can create your face" and "no lips are defined like your lips" is almost the same exact idea.
| Quote: |
| Your body is that of a champion's |
you find no other word that "champion", which is generic, to use here?i seriously cant picture anything in my mind...champion doesnt mean anything unless you describe how his/her body is like a champions.
| Quote: |
So that means you can only be but a figment of my imagination
You will forever cease to exist only in that of my dreams |
...why? this is the most random phrase in the entire poem. you didnt even say whether you two had an interaction or something, but you cut right to the bottom and said "so now we'lll live together happily ever after". what are you going to do, kidnap him? cause judging by what youve told us in the poem so far, you havent talked to him or anything. why would he go out with you?
| Quote: |
| You live only in my reality |
whats this supposed to mean? it sounded like it was tacked on to be otherwordly and sharp, and it is netiher of those things.
Well, there's your critique. i honestly dont think this is a good poem (and even more honestly, i dont think it can be fixed). but then again, this is your first time writing poetry, right? so its okay if there was nothing redeeming about this work. keep writing and improving every time. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Galerius:
Thank you for the review. Maybe a bit harsh, but at least you didn't lie to me. Everyone has their opinions and the only way we grow as writers is by taking other's critisim and forming it to their own use.
So thanks for being up front with me. It is my first poetic challenge and I guess it wasn't as successful as I would have liked.
However, you had some questions about the poem and I think you missed the point of it. This person isn't real. The person this girl is dreaming about is a complete figment of her imagination. She only wishes he was real. That's why at the end I had that line.
Anyway, hopefully that cleared up things for you and thanks again for reviewing. |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
Galerius
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 197
Reviews: 101
733 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
in that case, you made the meaning cloudy by switching the phrases "dream" and "reality". when you said that your fictional lover ceases to exist in your dreams, i took that to mean that you will not only dream about him but will actually talk to him/ask him out/etc. what did you really mean by that?
and in the end, say that he exists only in your dreams, not your reality. i understand what your trying to say but when you say he exists only in your personal universe, it makes you seem like you have some sort of psychological issues to work out. use dreams instead, make it clear. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Galerius
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 24 Sep 2008
Posts: 197
Reviews: 101
733 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:30 pm Post subject: |
|
|
in that case, you made the meaning cloudy by switching the phrases "dream" and "reality". when you said that your fictional lover ceases to exist in your dreams, i took that to mean that you will not only dream about him but will actually talk to him/ask him out/etc. what did you really mean by that?
and in the end, say that he exists only in your dreams, not your reality. i understand what your trying to say but when you say he exists only in your personal universe, it makes you seem like you have some sort of psychological issues to work out. use dreams instead, make it clear.
also...am i to understand that this whole poem was based upon your perfect man? there was nothing else to it, no other meaning, just a wishful shallow fantasy? |
Last edited by Galerius on Mon Nov 10, 2008 4:31 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
ashleylee
I want the friction...
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1210
Reviews: 693
Country: some place that I can only dream about
960 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
Galerius:
Okay, I wouldn't say shallow...
This kind of just came to me in the middle of a book I was reading and I just decided to post it. I know that it needs some work and I have a lot of thinking to do on it.
I guess I'll just keep working on it. |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth |
|
| Back to top |
|
JADEREDNALIH
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 30 Jun 2008
Posts: 16
Reviews: 12
324 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Nov 10, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: |
|
|
This poem is really interesting. The most important part of the poem that it couldn't live without is
'So that means you can only be but a figment of my imagination
You will forever cease to exist only in that of my dreams'
This is like a summary of the poem without all the really monotone words.... this is the life of the poem... the last line is what concludes it but these really are the foreshadowing... i love it... good job |
_________________
NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THEY EFFECT ME UNTIL THEY READ MY WORK BECAUSE I WRITE MY FEELINGS IN EVERY POEM, SONG OR BOOK I WRITE. ... HALF OF MY HEART BELONGS TO ME...THE REST BELONGS TO MY READERS... |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
