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xGraceex
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 Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:40 pm Post subject: I never told you I loved you |
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I giggle as I swing my legs
"You cant catch me!" I cry
He just grins and climbs even faster
Scrambling up through the branches the reach me
I laugh again, pretending to yawn
"How long will you be, Jake? I cant wait all day,"
I see him approaching and I quickly dart away
hopping from branch to branch
"Be careful!" he cries
"You could fall!"
"Me? Fall?" I laugh
"its not possible,"
I see him frown, worry in his eyes
I feel uneasy when i see that
"Stop worrying, Jake," I reassure
"I am indestructible,"
Then I slip
Then I fall
Then I scream
Then I soar
"I'm flying, Jake!" I cry
"I'm flying!"
Then I hit the ground
The sun sets, the sky darkens
And Jake is weeping
into my blood soaked hair |
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piepiemann22
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this. I couldn't really find anything wrong. Your voice was good, very powerful. Your description was also simple, but clear. When it came to the rhythm I was surprised by how well it flowed, well done.
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He just grins and climbs even faster
Scrambling up through the branches the reach me |
Should be to or that I think.
Very well written and overall nice poem. Well done.
~Mr. Pie
PS. I forgot one thing.
The ending was a little, blame. It just ended like that. Maybe one more bit to help wrap it up. One minute she thinks shes flying, the she's dead. Maybe use the title and have the girls say something to the boy. I don't know maybe. Just trying to help. Still good though. |
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Sapphire
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to YWS!
The first thing I would say is to look out for punctuation.
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| "You cant catch me!" I cry. |
'Cant' should be can't because it is a contraction of 'cannot'.
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| "How long will you be, Jake? I can't wait all day," |
That final comma should be a full stop. You do this a few times, so watch out for that.
I would also suggest re-thinking the ending. Why is it that she is falling, then flying, then hits the ground? I thought there might be a reason that she suddenly thinks she's flying, but there wasn't.
At the moment, this seems more like a list of statements than a poem. Maybe it would work better as a short story? You could expand on the characters and their emotions and perhaps then the ending would have more impact. Just now, it's unclear what you were trying to make the reader feel when you wrote this poem.
I hope this helps, and if you edit the poem and would like another review, let me know.
 |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: :P |
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thanks, i love nice reviews! I just wrote the poem off the top of my head so i wasnt that sure about the ending itself, but i just wanted to keep it all simple so i left the ending like that  thankya all! |
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SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
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natalie
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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wow! This poem has a really dramatic and well written voice about it.
In general, I'm going to agree with the other comments. I agree that the ending seemed a bit abrupt, but if that is how you designed it, I have no trouble with it.
The rhythm was flowing and easy to slip into.
Good Luck with the rest of your work!! |
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CJeanene13
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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| I really loved the feeling and implications. I agree with what was said above. But overall it was great. |
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JosephDean
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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Other than the punctuation mistakes that have already been covered by other patrons, I cannot find any real "mistakes" that make me halt and ask myself what you are trying to say. It goes from a happy, joyful experience to a screeching stop with an injury - or potential death.
And I loved that.
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BlondeTwiggy
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I like this. Kind of saw the ending coming, but I like it. :]] The beginning is interesting and makes one want to read more. The story isn't focused on feelings but on action which invokes feelings. Overall, it encourages me to voice my feelings for someone...eh...before it's too late. |
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ShaydeDesiree
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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This poem is very well written. But the ending was kind of blunt. I felt like i wanted more out of it before she fell. "And Jake is weeping into my blood soaked hair" This was a really stong line in the poem. It really helped me to visualize what happened.
I really liked it though! |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 6:35 pm Post subject: . |
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| lol thanks, i wanted the blunt ending, more dramatic but i just wrote it from the top of my head, i didnt really edit it, though i probably should have done . |
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
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Eimear
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:41 pm Post subject: |
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The ironic and slightly cruel (but in a good way) feel to this is very good. The poem is original at it's best. I like the narrator's detached, almost reminiscent voice. The overall tone is good, although I feel you could develop on your poetic techniques in this piece. I'd like to see more imagery and maybe even less speech- to make what is direct more shocking and effective. This is place however in the right category as it is more dramatic than narrative, so keep it up. The spelling and punctuation will begin to become like a second nature the longer you write for.
Good luck,
Eimear |
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fallsforyoueasily
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:53 am Post subject: |
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"Me? Fall?" I laugh
"its not possible," |
The 'i' in 'it's' should be capatillized.
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I see him frown, worry in his eyes
I feel uneasy when i see that |
A semi-colon after 'eyes' would make it more dramatic.
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Then I slip
Then I fall
Then I scream
Then I soar |
Try something else besides 'then.' It's repetitive.
Really, I liked your work. I loved the ending; it was sad, unexpected, but it fit perfectly.
Good job!! |
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Searria H.
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: |
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Weee! I'm on a reviewing-your-stuff rampage!
I thought this was a really good poem, and it worked really well having the girl tell the story.
Who exactly is Jake? Her brother, Father...?
I like the blunt ending. It shows the ignorance of the little girl. Most people would be thinking, "I'm going to die..." but her last thought is of flying, being totally free. It was nice.
Some people say that the narrator can't die in a story, because then they wouldn't be able to write the story down. Whatever. People shouldn't be so literal. Sometimes it's better telling a story from a dead person's point of view. You can tell from the voice that she has matured from the time of her death and the time she wrote the poem. I'm probably overthinking it, but...
Very good! Keep writing poems!
-Sea- |
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Chirantha
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:17 am Post subject: |
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Don't exaggerate Searria. I'm on a mucher bigger rampage. I reviewed too much I think.
Well, this poem was good as all the other poems you had written. Well, maybe bit less but I think it was good. It's actually the lesser use of words or feelings which made me say that this was a bit less than the other ones. And you could have described more of the acutal falling and after falling things. It would have added much more to the poem.
Yeah, the question Searria asked. Who was Jake? The girl's brother, cousin, boyfriend? I doubt it was her father. He wouldn't be climbing after the girl like that. It would be like, climb down or you are grounded sort if it was her father. 
I giggle as I swing my legs
"You cant catch me!" I cry (That should be 'can't)
He just grins and climbs even faster
Scrambling up through the branches the reach me (I think you meant 'branches to reach me')
I laugh again, pretending to yawn
"How long will you be, Jake? I cant wait all day," (This should be 'How long will you take, Jake? I can't wait here all day')
I see him approaching and I quickly dart away
hopping from branch to branch
"Be careful!" he cries
"You could fall!"
"Me? Fall?" I laugh
"its not possible," (Should be 'That's impossible')
I see him frown, worry in his eyes
I feel uneasy when i see that ('When I see that')
"Stop worrying, Jake," I reassure
"I am indestructible,"
Then I slip
Then I fall
Then I scream
Then I soar (You could use more description here and cut the repeating 'then')
"I'm flying, Jake!" I cry
"I'm flying!" (Sheesh! Would you say this if you are falling from a height of 20 or 30 feet up?)
Then I hit the ground (Ouch!!)
The sun sets, the sky darkens (Great description here)
And Jake is weeping
into my blood soaked hair
I said all of it above and I needn't to say it again. This was a great poem Well done.
Good luck. |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 9:42 am Post subject: :P |
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| Wel this was one of my first attempts at a poem! but im glad you liked it jake is infact her best friend, they are just young kids having fun climbing trees. When she sees the worry in his eyes it makes her upset, and that is when she realises she loves him. they are about ten i think. she is a bit of a wild child so she thinks she is flying when infact she is falling. well, glad you all liked it! |
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SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts |
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