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Jennafina
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 Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 7:21 am Post subject: 'Kemia |
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I know where you are. You hide, apparent
here only in the bruises lying scattered, splayed across
my bones. They’re vignettes, a shadow of the interior:
just a manifestation peaking through where I am thin.
A different texture. A different color.
All I have to offer is hunger and loyalty,
a hole in my stomach for you to fill. Come,
be my cancer. Taste of my flesh as I have tasted
yours, and in the eve of summer crack me open
and peel away my skin. scoop out my core.
I will be your blood, your vessel. Here you are safe
beyond the reach of chemicals and blinding light.
I ask nothing, just hold me close and I will feed you,
nourish you until there is nothing left but rind
and then we will be complete. I have protected your seed,
my duty is done. You may bloom now, and I will rot
content, having grown a god.
_
Thanks for reading. I know I'm not around much, but I will be in not so long, and then I'll critique way more than I do now. ^.^ |
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Ethan
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:35 am Post subject: |
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That poem felt really powerful.
Although it lacked clarity or direction, the overall message at the end was instilling and interesting.
I don't know what else to say. I enjoyed it though. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:25 am Post subject: |
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This has me on the verge of tears. But that's a personal thing...
I think this shook me up too much for me to give it a very constructive critique. But it was well-done, very raw and sincere and the way you described your disorder almost as a parasite you were giving yourself up to was very effective.It was a little vague- subtlety is a good thing in poetry but if I didn't know the background I'm not sure if the vagueness would be intriguing or just confusing. Nitpick: Capitalize the "s" in L10.
You should write poetry more often. ^_^ |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 5:11 am Post subject: |
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I agree that though the message was not so clear, it's really an enjoyable read, and for a starter poet, you're quite good! The imagery was nice and the structure of the poem was suitable. The choice of words were quite good too.
Keep writing!
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Galerius
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: Re: 'Kemia |
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| Jennafina wrote: |
| I know where you are. |
if this is a love poem (which i already suspect it is) then your first line is a real disappointment because it makes it seem like some stalker-psycho story. "i know where you are" immediately points me to...like...one of those murderers on tv. just my two cents.
You hide, apparent
here only in the bruises lying scattered, splayed across
my bones.[/quote]
"apparent" doesnt work here because it sounds too technical. splayed across is good...nice imagery.
| Quote: |
They’re vignettes, a shadow of the interior:
just a manifestation peaking through where I am thin.
A different texture. A different color. |
shadow of the interior makes it seem dark, and besides, interior doesn't belong in a poem...not like this, anyway. use something that makes them feel the raw emotion your in.
the second line is too wordy and breaks the flow of the rest of the poem.
third line - dont use "different" twice, or at least merge those sentences together with a hyphen or something.
| Quote: |
All I have to offer is hunger and loyalty,
a hole in my stomach for you to fill. Come,
be my cancer. Taste of my flesh as I have tasted
yours, and in the eve of summer crack me open
and peel away my skin. scoop out my core. |
hole is bland; arent there more ways you can describe the awning canyon carved through your stomach, rather than just saying "hole"?
who wants to be a cancer? please dont refer to your lover as a cancer...unless your secretly telling him/her that you dont like them. cancer never has a good connotation.
| Quote: |
I will be your blood, your vessel. Here you are safe
beyond the reach of chemicals and blinding light.
I ask nothing, just hold me close and I will feed you,
nourish you until there is nothing left but rind
and then we will be complete. I have protected your seed,
my duty is done. You may bloom now, and I will rot
content, having grown a god. |
nothing much to say here. i liked these two stanzas, although i think i just realized that this isn't about a lover, its about a newborn...am i right? also, chemicals sound too technical; again, you dont want to have that sharp contrast between technicality and lyrical tones.
overall, nice work. |
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Jennafina
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks so much for the critiques, especially Gal's. I'll make revisions soon.
(It's kind about anorexia nervosa.) |
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happybear
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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| I cant believe you were actualy able to write about this! If you just know alot about it and able to put all that in writing it's spectacular! but if you wrote this from your own expierence I would be in awe (of your bravery and ability)! But as to the actualy writing part of it... it was VERY vague, but I was still able to grasp its meaning! And if I were writing it I would space it out more, it is some what hard to read in the format you have, but its not terrible! All in all that was pretty amazing! keep writing! Please! |
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Jennafina
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| Posted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, it's from personal experience. Thanks for the review. How would you suggest I change the spacing? |
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