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Because - Chap. 11
Because - Chap. 11

by KJ in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on September 20, 2008
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Slaughter House Angel

Topic ID: 36292
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Jannie   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:12 am    Post subject: Slaughter House Angel Reply with quote

She wore white robes and her feet were bare

And silver dust & gold tinsel were in her hair

She had bright red lips and just-pinched cheeks

A spectacle to remember for the next few weeks



But of all the forsaken places to find her be

It was at Mister Killer's slaughter house you see

Where everything was drenched in fresh blood

And to avoid it you'd have to be a lucky sod



You'd never imagine someone as magical as her

Would even dare to take a step in there

So imagine how strange I thought her to be

Since she was at Mister Killer's you see



And in the midst of the slaughter house madness

On her face you won't find a trace of sadness

But you will see pearl shaped tears of golden ice

But well that really isn't such a surprise





For within the walls of the bloody gory place

You'd see the agony in the little critter's face

And I guess she prays for their poor little souls

And ask for forgiveness for Mister Killer's human faults


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ladydark   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

okay. this is an... interesting poem to say the least. However, it doesn't quite flow right. I don't think it does at least. Some places can have words taken out, and others need re-wording.

First sentence: I don't think the "and" in the middle is quite necessary.

Fourth sentence: I don't think the "but" sounds quite right

Sixth sentence: "fresh" makes it too long, doesn't quite flow

Tenth sentence: "would" seems unnecessary. maybe make it "To"? also, the ninth and tenth sentence don't rhyme, you keep rhyming A A B B and that is like.. A B C C. Though it rhymes in that sentence, odd.

I like the thirteenth and fourteenth verses Smile beautiful description.

Fifteenth and Sixteenth again don't rhyme. you have a rhyming pattern A A B B and should keep that up. "Ice" and "Surprise" don't really rhyme, I think Rolling Eyes

last set of verses doesn't make sense. Plus bloody is the about the same as gory so one of those words is unnecessary. I can tell what you're trying to say, but you need to re-word it to make it sound better. You use singular on the eighteenth, but plural on the nineteenth, that doesn't make sense to me at least. Last sentences don't rhyme. However, it is well written, kind of sad. Beautiful though.

I hope I didn't sound too harsh, truly I did like it. Just keep an eye on your rhyming scheme, keep it consistent and keep writing. Good luck Laughing

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Dear, I disagree with Darklady above me, I thought it was pointless but yet brilliant. I love it, I've been here for a while and I just wanted to say you have alot of talent, and I don't just say that to anyone. I'm serious, I want to be you BFF after reading your post, it was extremely vivid and anyone who can do that, has true talent. Keep posting and writing keep me posted. Good luck and have fun!

-Max

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This thread was created on September 20, 2008

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