Topic ID: 36270
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Kaylyn
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 Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: Questions |
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Do I want to stay?
Do I want to go?
With my mixed up feelings
I don't know
I wish that making a choice
Was easy
But life isn't that way
I have to decide
Sometime today
Someone will get hurt
Along the way
There's no way to avoid it
Me or him or her
Just leave me alone!
Let me in peace!
Its hard enough
Without your persuasion piece
In the end
I still don't know
Leave my friends and family
For an unknown?
Or discover something new
I may like or hate
I wish I could make up my mind
But I can't |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece. 
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
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Last edited by Kaylyn on Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:02 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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xGraceex
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320 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:23 pm Post subject: great |
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I liked it, it was different but I spotted a few spelling mistakes as I was reading. Spell checker is always useful in times like this lol
It flowed very nicely, nothing jumped out at me and poked me in the eyes for pure randomness, it was great keep up the good work  |
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You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
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Kaylyn
Southern Girl
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, I am not very good at poetry, much better at writing stories. I guess though when emotions are a factor that I have just expirenced I do much better. |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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JADEREDNALIH
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324 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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oh my god i absolutely loved this poem. My favorite part is when you say that someone will get hurt and that theirs no avoiding it. That is the harxdest part some people tend to forget. No matter what you choose or who you choose between who you'll always be hurting some one. Sometimes (no matter how selfish it may seem) you have to think if you'll get hurt in the process or if keeping from hurting someone else is hurting you more.
loved the poem! will find and read more of your work! |
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NO ONE HAS ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THEY EFFECT ME UNTIL THEY READ MY WORK BECAUSE I WRITE MY FEELINGS IN EVERY POEM, SONG OR BOOK I WRITE. ... HALF OF MY HEART BELONGS TO ME...THE REST BELONGS TO MY READERS... |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks.... I edited it now. So is it any better? |
_________________
The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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That was truly amazing , my friend!
Good work! |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject: Re: Questions |
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| Kaylyn wrote: |
Do I want to stay?
Do I want to go?
With my mixed up feelings
I don't know |
...
can you at least try to include some imagery here? i dont want a speech on your inner worries. i want to feel your inner worries, taste them on the roof of my mouth as the bitterness of your situation makes me choke on the beautiful but haunting descriptions. i'm getting none of that here.
| Quote: |
I wish that making a choice
Was easy
But life isn't that way
I have to decide
Sometime today |
we all wish that choices were easy. does your poem have anything to actually tell us or is it just for self-fulfillment? because if you wrote it 100% for yourself and dont want anybody else to feel anything from this piece, then that's fine. but if you want to give your message out to people...yeah it doesnt work.
also, i really would like to know exactly what this choice is about and instead i'm being fed base ideas and meaningless phrases with no content.
| Quote: |
Someone will get hurt
Along the way
There's no way to avoid it |
explain! this is getting frustrating because we're not actually finding out whats going on. why should a reader even care about what you write here? whats the incentive?
i wont even bother with that line because it makes no sense and is overly drawn out, almost as if you wanted to have enough syllables to match the other lines.
| Quote: |
Just leave me alone!
Let me in peace!
Its hard enough
Without your persuasion piece |
what on earth are you talking about? if i'm supposed to be arguing with you, then hint at it earlier, otherwise it seems like your just shouting at a wall.
and "persuasion piece" sounds awkward.
| Quote: |
In the end
I still don't know
Leave my friends and family
For an unknown?
Or discover something new
I may like or hate
I wish I could make up my mind
But I can't |
boring, trite, and cliched to boot. so your scared of going away. so what? at least tell us about why your scared and what the background of this poem is. and your lines in these stanzas reflect no deep thinking; they could have been written by an elementary school child.
In general:
i'm not going to beat around the bush...this is bad. it was something that i would expect out of a sixth-grader, and you seem to be a little older than that.
there was no imagery throughout, no symbols or any indication of insightful thought, and extremely poor word choice.
you still can save this, but it will take hard work. increase your vocabulary, add in some undercurrent of an actual plot (are you going to college? mention that your heart shakes at the thought of the huge entrance building to the university), stop capitalizing every line unless its the beginning of a sentence, clean up some of those awkward phrases, include some imagery or metaphor, try to get rid of that whiny voice that seems to be running throughout the poem, and specify who the narrator is supposed to be before you abruptly throw an explanation in. |
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Kaylyn
Southern Girl
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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Its capitalized at every line because of the autocorrect, sorry I can't change it.
And I am not trying to get a message out, it is just about me so yeah its supposed to sound like that. As in elementary well... I am not going to force big words into it. Okay, off i go to rip apart *coughs* I mean review your poetry. Thanks for the review. *rolls eyes* I'll go check yours. |
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The biggest lie told in high school:
That was my last piece.
Looking for a good book? Check out my website.
http://www.kaylynstout.googlepages.com/books |
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JosephDean
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 11:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Poetry is supposed to be capitalised at the start of every line anyway. That's basic Poetry 101. |
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Teddybear22
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604 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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hey, this one was good, but there is one stanza that i don't understand
*quote
Just leave me alone!
Let me in peace!
Its hard enough
Without your persuasion piece*
i really don't know what to think about this. it's like a sudden mood change.(bipolar much) and please try to make them longer if you can. you can write girl! |
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zalarus
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 5:50 pm Post subject: |
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i hate to say it, but i agree with galerius, especially in that this just seems like a speech about your worries in verse. there is no artistry here. i've read some of your other poetry as well, and it seems to be the same for all of them. to be honest, i can't really analyze this as a poem, as this isn't very poetic. you should be trying to get a message across, and do it artfully. that is what poetry is. but trying is a virtue, and you are indeed a virtuous soul. i'd really like to see you create something poetic. make sure i see it when you do.
keep writing,
zalarus |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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It was an OK poem. I'd suggest making poems with more tangible influences.
What I mean by that is try making narratives. Because, you're spitting out boring ... just OK poems. Challenge yourself!
You've got potential!
-Adrian |
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