Topic ID: 36265
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
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 Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: I want this locked! |
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*I KINDA DECIDED TO DO SOME MAJOR EDITING TO THIS... IT'LL BE BACK SOON, HOPEFULLY* |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
Last edited by Livinginfantasy on Sun Oct 19, 2008 9:50 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Ethan
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:31 am Post subject: |
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The opening stanza was a bit unclear in the imagery or meaning it presented, but I enjoyed the assonance and the rhyming within the lines itself.
The word "hooray" seems misplaced when contrasted to the hopes and dreams and kind of dulls-down or trivialises the atmosphere that was built-up earlier.
I liked "Fantasy." ending though.
Overall, short and sweet.  |
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silverSUNLIGHTx
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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I thought this was really good. And you're right about the shortness part.
Good job. |
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chichi
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 5:34 am Post subject: |
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This is a great poem, but I kind of expected it to be more than just a fantasy guy. I was kind of expecting it to be bit more about how the MC's whole life is a fantasy. Oh well. Maybe you would want to change the title to reflect this?
| Quote: |
| are spent dreaming about Mr. Anonymous; |
Isn't it normally Mr. Right? Maybe you were trying to be original, but Mr. Anonymous kind of sounds like a guy that you barely know that says he loves you... -cough- weirdo -cough-. If you wanted to be different than Mr. Right, maybe Mr. Perfect or something?
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Faux replaces where
reality once dwelled as I pray, |
"Faux replaces where reality once dwelled" is one phrase, right? Well... you kind of chopped it in half. It sounds jerky when you read it like this and sometimes it's hard to understand exactly what "faux" is replacing.
I would love to see kind of like a sequel poem about another aspect of life that is in fantasy (Just a suggestion)!! |
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Galerius
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 6:12 pm Post subject: Re: Living In Fantasy |
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| Livinginfantasy wrote: |
Faux replaces where
reality once dwelled as I pray,
that one day, my time will come. |
I already like this, although you're right its short. The faux in the beginning evokes mysticism and an educated mind, which I find enjoyable when its manifested in a poem. the rhyme between "pray" and "day" is also good because its not formulaic - put at the end of each line - but is embedded in the piece.
| Quote: |
The nights when I’m supposed to be sleeping,
are spent dreaming about Mr. Anonymous;
that when we meet, the world will hooray.
But sadly, that’s all my dreams will ever be.
Fantasy. |
I didnt like the hooray, it reminded me of childishness when the rest of the poem has a very mature tone to it. the mr. anonymous also sounds weird, I would change it to "my faceless love" or something; a good contrast, see? last line is good, short and sweet.
i liked this poem! you took a risk by making it a little obscure and so short but it panned out for you. just consider my small critiques and this poem will be really good. |
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adriangarcia
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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Faux replaces where <Odd way to Start>
reality once dwelled as I pray, <The break in-between lines made me miss what the meaning was>
that one day, my time will come. <Too Cliche>
The nights when I’m supposed to be sleeping, <Kind of liked this>
are spent dreaming about Mr. Anonymous; <"Mr. Anonymous" threw me off>
that when we meet, the world will hooray. <An OK line>
But sadly, that’s all my dreams will ever be. <Cliche>
Fantasy. <Unsatisfying ending>
I know I seemed real harsh, but I kind of like the poem. I just suggest some serious editing. You have a real problem with being too cliche and it hurts the poem. But, I think if you come back to this in a week or two. Or, whenever you get some inspiration, it could be edited into a well thought out, well received poem.
Good luck! Edit! |
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1993vlad@gmail.com
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84 Points
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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this was as short as a midget compared to a giant, the poem made sence but add
some more stuff to it |
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DarkAngle11
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: Re: Living In Fantasy |
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For a short poem, it was really good!
I'm just going to pick on you about one tiny thing,
when you say
"Faux replaces where
reality once dwelled as I pray,
that one day, my time will come."
I think it would look a little better or make a little more sense if it were,
"Faux replaces where,
reality once dwelled.
As I pray,
that one day,
my time will come."
Othr then that, great job!
~M |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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Heya mods!
Please Lock!!  |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
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Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
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| Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Locking! But also, YOUR FINGER SEEMS A LITTLE STUCK ON CAPS - I realize you really want this locked, but please don't shout at us! If you need something locked it will get done even quicker if you PM someone in green. |
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