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The Artist Gets a Compliment
The Artist Gets a Compliment

by Snoink in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 20, 2008
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Related Items
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Untouched Ch 1
Untouched Ch. 2
Untouched Ch 3
Untouched Ch 4
Untouched Ch 5
Untouched Ch 6
Untouched Ch 7
Untouched Ch 8
Untouched ch 9
Untouched ch 10
Untouched ch 11
Untouched ch 13
Untouched ch 14
Untouched ch 15
Untouched ch 16
Untouched ch 17
Untouched ch 18
Untouched ch 19
Untouched ch 20
Untouched ch 22
Untouched ch 23
Untouched ch 24
Untouched Ch 25
Untouched-Epilogue

Untouched ch 12

Topic ID: 36262
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Title Change!!!!
Fallen Untouched
25%
 25%  [ 1 ]
Left Untouched
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Kept Innocent
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
Keep Looking
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 75%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 4

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jasmine12   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:22 pm    Post subject: Untouched ch 12 Reply with quote

EDIT.

Chapter Twelve

I drove home in a daze, almost missing High Street. The center of town was completely empty. The old lady that owns the market had brought in her baskets of fruits and veggies. The old man that usually sits on a park bench outside the bakery wasn’t there.

Looks like everyone’s packed up, I thought to myself. I sighed and continued to drive.

At home, Bailey was in front of the big screen watching some cartoon. I said hi but he only just moaned in response. I decided to crash with him for a while to let things set in.

After twenty minutes of silence, Bailey said, “When’s your date?” He had asked it in a tone that sounded just bored.

I rolled my eyes, “It’s not a date. And he said he’d be here at seven.”

I gasped and sprung to my feet. “Peter!” I exclaimed.

Still on the couch, Bailey snickered, “Yes, now what’s two plus two?” He teased.

I scoffed and hit him with a pillow. He reached for one but I was already heading for the stairs. “Hey!” He yelled after me, but I didn’t turn.

After what happened last night, I had completely forgotten about Peter. It was about five o’clock when I got out of the shower.

Looking in the mirror, I tried to make sense of my face. My eyes were wide and a little puffy. My cheeks were too flush compared to my natural pink blush. My hair flowed perfectly around my face in luscious curls.

I did my usual raccoon eyed makeup, and thought I looked good. I groaned to myself, why couldn’t I look this good when ever Jasper came around?

I trudged down the stairs where Bailey was still watching TV. He looked up at me and whistled. “Not a date, huh?”

I grimaced and stalked into the kitchen to find something to eat. By the time I finished searching, I wasn’t hungry. I had decided on a couple of crackers, but shrugged and put them back.

When I turned to leave, I gasped and fell backwards. I was expecting to fall on my ass; instead, he was there, catching me.

I was inches from the floor in his arms. He was smiling. I could feel his cool breath upon my lips.

“Jasper,” I said, breathlessly.

He chuckled as he stood me up. “Seems like forever since we last spoke.”

My heart was pounding against my chest. “I have to tell,” I started but was stopped when he placed his fingers on my lips.

“Shh,” he whispered. “Not here. We will have plenty of time for that when your friend leaves. We can discuss anything you wish.”

He pressed his lips against mine then vanished out the door, leaving it swinging back and forth. I was about to yell after him. I yearned to have him back in my arms. I was about to say something, anything, but the doorbell rang.

I glanced at the clock. “He’s a half hour early!” I moaned out loud, as I punched to door open.

Bailey had beaten me to the door. He opened it and to my surprise, there Peter was, standing there with his dark curls combed back and a nice t-shirt on. He looked absolutely…

I wouldn’t allow myself to finish that thought.

We spent a lot of time on the couch just talking before we started the movie. He brought ‘Wanted’ from home.

I wasn’t all that interested in the movie so I sparked up another conversation.

“Who are you lyrics about?” I asked.

We were sitting on the couch. Out of apathy, I ended up lying on the couch with a pillow between us.

“It isn’t obvious?”

I shrugged even though he probably couldn’t have seen it.

He sighed, “Do you really want to know?”

I rolled my eyes. “The suspense is killing me. Just tell me, please,” I begged.

When he didn’t answer, I popped my head up to look at him. The look on his face seemed painful to endure.

“You can trust me,” I said. “I won’t tell anyone.”

He let out a long sharp breath and whispered, “Heather.”

I stood on the front steps for a long time before turning back to the house.

Jasper was standing in the middle of the hall. His hands were in his jean pockets and his eyes were wild again. His face was simply buoyant. Such a joyous expression caused my own lightheartedness.

We stood there, just staring at each other for an immeasurable moment. I was the first to move. I let out a breath that I hadn’t known I’d been holding in.

He watched me as I walked over to him. I stopped short, though, to take a good look at him. I never would have thought anyone could be any happier to see me. “Why are you in such a good mood?” I asked, not sure if I should wrap my arms around him. I wasn’t sure, if that was acceptable, if we were at that level yet.

He chuckled softly, and then leaned down to look me in the eyes. “I have always been happy to see you, Genevieve.” He brought his hand up under my chin and tilted my face to his. “And I always will be.” I inhaled his cool scent and a shiver ran up my spine.

“That’s it,” I snapped. “I can’t take it anymore!”

All signs of happiness were erased from his face then. His eyes tightened as he raised one eyebrow. He blinked a few times, then his eyes snapped open, wider then I’d ever seen. He opened his mouth to speak but I put my hand over his lips.

“Would you let me finish before you have a panic attack?” When his eyes softened, I dropped my hand and continued. “You are perfect in every way. Your hair,” I said, reaching up to run my fingers through his brown locks. “Your face,” I whispered and traced the line of his entire features before I continued. “Your body,” I said, running my hand down his chest. “Not to mention, everything that you say is completely flawless. You are the most beautiful creature in the world.” I threw up my hands. “It’s just not fair!”

He frowned. “I wonder if you would have thought that before, when I was still alive.”

“I wasn’t alive then.” He didn’t smile at my lame joke. “Of course I would have.” I tried again. “I would have thrown myself at you and would’ve made you forget all about Susan and Damien.”

His eyebrows furrowed together causing a crease in his forehead. “His name was Nigel.”

I started to play with my fingers nervously. “That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier. Damien is Nigel. Jasper, Nigel is still alive!”

Jasper wasn’t looking at me anymore. He was looking past me with this glassy expression as if I wasn’t even standing there anymore.

“How,” escaped his lips in a breathless whisper. If I wasn’t staring up at his face, watching his pale lips, I would have missed it.

“I went to get an oil change for my car today. Damien was there working and we got to talking about things.”

His expression was suddenly so livid that I didn’t want to continue.

“What kind of things?” He almost spat at me.

I shrugged. “A little of this, a little of that.”

Jasper grabbed my arm gingerly and led me to the couch and sat me down. He sat on the coffee table in front of me and stared in my eyes.

“Please,” he said, his voice calmer now. “Continue.”

I told him everything. I told him that Damien is a vampire even though he had asked me not to tell Jasper. I told him about what really happened down at the lake. I even told him about my idea, which, he didn’t like much.

“You’d rather me be a monster?” he asked skeptically.

I bit my lip and played with my fingers some more. “This can’t be fair to you now. Wouldn’t it be better for you? You wouldn’t be trapped here in this stinky old house. You could leave and travel the world and experience life. You could go to France, Italy, and Spain! Just think of the different people you could meet. But no, you want to be locked in here, a place that holds no interest for you. I’m surprised you aren’t jumping at the chance.”

He cupped my face in his hands. “It’s not me that I’m worried about here. You are my main priority. You are my world now, my everything. Without you, the outside world wouldn’t be complete.”

The change in his mood sparked something inside me. I threw myself on him and wrapped my arms around his neck. Our kisses weren’t like before; they were fierce and more urgent. It felt almost as if this was more out of need then want. Which, I was completely okay with.


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"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched


Last edited by jasmine12 on Sat Oct 11, 2008 3:47 pm; edited 2 times in total
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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
I want the friction...
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jasmine, you HAVE to write more of this. I feel like I am reading a novel right now. It is that good. If this book was in the store, I would totally buy it. You have a gift. Don’t waste it!

Now, about your last chapter you have posted so far, I found it to be very intense. I thought this was the first one that moved quickly but didn’t feel rushed so thumbs up to you for that Wink

I really have no complaints except that you must MUST PM me when you post more!

Wonderful job! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well I've been reading this story since the first chapter, but I don't think I've reviewed it at all, and since I love it so much, I decided to go ahead and critique.

First, a couple of nitpicks (I am a grammar freak):
Quote:
“You should get them both out of this house. They will be safest with the girls.” Sebastian licked his lower lips and Damien went stiff.

It's a little unclear who's speaking here. When I kept reading, I figured it was Sebastian, but just to prevent any confusion, you might want to add a dialogue tag here.

Quote:
“Yes,” He continued in a more cryptic tone.

The "h" in "he" should be lower-case.

Quote:
His scent is around the house too.” I asked trying to find a hole in their plan.

There should be a comma after "too" instead of a period. Also, I'm thinking that maybe you should have a comma after "asked."

There's a couple of other little things, but I am too lazy to mention them. I might come back later and call them out, but...

Anyway, now we get to the tough issue: similarities to Twilight.

Yes, it's something every writer who is writing a vampire story has to consider nowadays, unfortunately. Don't get me wrong, I love Twilight, but because of it's popularity and such, it's some big deal or something to make sure it's "totally different" and "original" and "new." (Which totally annoys me, if you haven't noticed yet.)

So, the most obvious thing is the silver Volvo. Sound familiar? Yup. Normally it probably wouldn't matter, but since the story involves vampires and a character happens to have a silver Volvo, people will go "Edward Cullennnnn!" So yeah. It's probably not a big deal, but just in case.

Also, the bit about the vamps moving so quickly and talking very fast did remind me a little of the book. I just kind of want to warn you about the "Twilight-esque" vampires. Alot of people writing vamp stories around the 'net seem to make their vampires like Meyer's. Everyone has an imagination, and I'm sure we can all think of our own kinds of vampires. Not to say you're copying it as well, but there are some similarities that I would be careful of.

Um, well that's all I can think of now to say (just got back from Marching Band so am uber exhausted). I really really do love this story, and I can't wait to read the next chapter! Mind PMing me when it's out? Thanks, and keep up the great work!

--Cammie
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:05 am    Post subject: Re: Untouched ch 12 Reply with quote

Quote:
Chapter Twelve

Jasmine? Hello? Dude, why didn't you pm me that this chapter was up? I am so mad at you. Okay. Okay. I forgive you.

Quote:
“Bailey is still sleeping.” My heart jumped at the sound of my brother’s name. There was no reason for him to be involved.

Oh, man. I totally forgot about Bailey. Love ya, Bailey!!

Quote:
“You should get them both out of this house. They will be safest with the girls.” Sebastian licked his lower lips and Damien went stiff.

What girls?

Quote:
We were already in the air at that point. Everything around us went blurry and then black. I was to afraid to protest physically, in fear of falling off of him.

When you say "we" does that mean Bailey too? 'Cause he must be some hard sleeper to not feel that.

Quote:
“You cant tell him what ever your beating heart desires.

Oh, I think you're forgetting the comma in cant-can't.

Quote:
He sighed. “I’m not trying t sound mean, but why are you acting like such a bitch? I’m saving your ass.”

Add an O for the to. And man is he pissed.

Quote:
“Let’s see,” I started. “I just saw the love my life for the last time ever, and he didn’t even give me a good-bye kiss. He just freaking left me there like he never cared in the first place. He left so many unanswered questions and making me feel like I was used.” I paused in thought then continued, “I am being kidnapped by a vampire who thinks everything is just a huge joke. I think its okay for me to be a little bitchy.” He smirked and switched hands on the steering wheel. “You can be so dramatic sometimes.”

He's right. Does she have to be such a drama queen? Rolling Eyes Then again, she was also right. The love of her life gone and the feel about being used.

Anyway, you HAVE to pm me when 13 goes up. Or I'll be mad. Very mad. Evil or Very Mad --okay, maybe not that mad.
-Merry

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Night Mistress   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry it has taken me a while to read this.

okay, I do agreed that she is being a bitch, but she has her right to be bitchy. hey, I would be the same way if my love ignored me like jasper didn't.

and i do agreed with cammie4 on the similarities to Twilight. try change it up a bit by using a different car type and also try come up with your idea for your prefect vampire like mine. Elizabeth thinks she is human but with a twist is an example of my idea for a vampire. come up with your own.

alright. i think you get the gist, so i will stop ranting and raving. pm me when chapter 13 is up.

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