Topic ID: 36255
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: fall |
 |
|
I fall
I feel my hair whipping my face
The air rushes past my ears like a roar
I squeeze my eyes shut
The water hits me like a wall
I gasp
Then I fall through the barrier of water
My body jolts with the temperature of the water
I shudder, then slide
I open my eyes
Green
Blue
Black
Salt in my eyes, so I close them again
Through my eyelids I see rays of light
It shimmers in the freezing sea around me
I drop through the pressing water
I plummet through the currents
I fall through unbreathable air
My arms spread out either side of me
I want to fly
I want to die
I want... nothing
My mouth flies open
I swallow the salty water
It was a mistake, I shouldn't have jumped
I'm not ready
The sea shouldn't be my last resting place
Adrenaline pumps through me
I try to scramble through the water around me
Towards the light
But the stones in my pockets weigh me down
They are doing their job
They are killing me
My face crumbles
I realise that it was really happening
I was going to die
I knew I couldn't live...
But i couldn't die either
And yet it was happening...
I swirled through the water like a rag doll
Powerless
And for the first time in my life
I felt brave
I smiled as i fell further into darkness
And hugged my chest as my heart beat no more
Its actually my first poem so be nice! |
_________________
SOME WISE WORDS xxx
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts
Last edited by xGraceex on Sun Oct 26, 2008 11:14 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
oneeyedunicornhunter
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Posts: 231
Reviews: 101
384 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 1:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
Although you said don't comment on spelling or grammar, I think it's important that I point out that there is no punctuation in this poem. Just make sure to include it in your next poem.
The poem itself was pretty good. I liked your descriptions. They helped me envision the scene and imagine the sensations. It was interesting, but I would also have been interested in reading about why the narrator decided to throw (assuming) herself into the ocean (or sea?) and commit suicide.
This poem might also fit well in the Narrative Poetry section. |
_________________
Calling other people's works "cliché" has officially become cliché.
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewgroup.php?f=251 Think about it.
Edward Cullen can bite me for all I care... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Ethan
Novice
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 6
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: Re: fall |
|
|
| xGraceex wrote: |
My body jolts with the temperature of the water
I shudder, then slide
I open my eyes
Green
Blue
Black
Salt in my eyes, so I close them again
|
I love this stanza. The rapid and short colour lines that precede "Salt in my eyes" made it read/sound good and kept the pace nicely (with also the repetition of "eyes").
I think it was a bit hazy though, the whole concept of it.
I would have liked a more internal description rather than an observatory description of the situation, and then you could have made an extended metaphor and weaved these two perspectives within each other (inner emotional turmoil and turmoil in the scenery and landscape externally).
The last section where it referenced "brave" was good, but I think you should have built that up at the start and linked that back to a circular ending to make it more impressionable (such as initial bravery at the start of the fall, then fear - or similiar emotions - and then bravery once more).
It could have been expressed better, but I thought it was very done and the images stuck in my mind. Thank you.  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Summerless
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 28
Joined: 16 Apr 2008
Posts: 187
Reviews: 136
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Although you said not to mention punctuation, I think it is fine to not have any punctuation. It could be your style :3
There was one little error I found.
| Quote: |
Through my eyelids I see rays of light
It shimmers in the freezing sea around me |
Since rays is plural, the it should be "they." Plural to plural, singular to singular.
I really loved reading this. You put great line breaks, and I liked the part where you said "I want to fly I want to die I want...nothing"
Nice work for a first poem! It was a pleasure to read.
- Summerless |
_________________
Beguile the loveless, the lifeless, the ruthless;
Shy away Snow of Winter for Day is endless. |
|
| Back to top |
|
CrisCaraway
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Sep 2008
Posts: 155
Reviews: 15
Country: under a rock in Tanzania
684 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey,
I really liked this poem. It was very descriptive. I nearly drowned once so you described it pretty well!.
It was really beautiful. You asked not to comment on grammar so I won't!.
The poem was sad yet not too depressing. I'm really bad at critiquing and explaining so I hope you know what I mean!. Well done. Keep writing.  
C.C |
_________________
Little amuses the simple |
|
| Back to top |
|
StolenHearts.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 06 Sep 2008
Posts: 125
Reviews: 25
Country: Oahu
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 6:25 am Post subject: |
|
|
I believe it was really beautiful it definitely got to me. I like telling stories through poetry as well, for your first time i think you did superb. Though if i may say i love big words that have a lot of meaning to them, maybe next time use better words. Although this poem is gorgeous with small words, ugh i am so bad at reviewing : P But i do hope you know what I'm getting at I look forward to see more pieces from you.
I'm glad i took my time to read this,
--mackenzie |
_________________
Breath.beat, beat.
blink. breath.
beat. blink, blink.
gone. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Searria H.
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
This was very good for a first poem! I've written at least fifteen, and my last one didn't come close to this! 
I think your way of separating the stanzas and lines was very smooth and contributed to the feeling of the poem. This is sometimes hard to do, especially in a free verse poem (which yours obviously is).
I've never drowned before, but I felt like this was a very realistic and accurate way to describe it. You threw the reader into the narrator's situation, making us emotionally attatched to your character in a very short amount of time.
I'm not sure that I agree with Stolen Hearts about the words. Sometimes, yes, you can add a few stronger words here and there, but you have to be cautious about being too wordy. Sometimes, more advanced words can confuse the reader and take away from the message of the poem.
I don't really have any helpful, critiques, so I'm sorry. 
Great writing!!!
-Sea- |
_________________
As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Chirantha
The boy genius.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 01 Jul 2008
Posts: 753
Reviews: 143
Country: Somewhere above or below ground
1671 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved this poem. Your descriptions formed a razor sharp image in my mind. I mean, you had clearly described the feelings, sensations, and even had illustrated the feelings felt by her five sensory organs. I can't belive you said this is your first poem. I mean, you have the art of poetry in you.
Well, although you said don't comment anything about the grammer or spellings, it's necessary to point out that you haven't put any punctuation marks in the poem. And you haven't capitalized some letters. The rhyme or the meaning in the poem is not the only thing that should be in poem. A good poem can ruin if you have forgotten the punctuations or spellings. So, keep in mind what I said.
| Quote: |
I swirled through the water like a rag doll
Powerless
And for the first time in my life
I felt brave
I smiled as i fell further into darkness
And hugged my chest as my heart beat no more |
This stanze was far better than others. The feelings in it was immensely realistic. I mean, first you get scared, then struggle, and lastly, feel that death is better. Wow.
I think I know when you wrote this. It was in the dark times of your life wasn't it. When you were so depressed.
Well, good luck. |
_________________
"ARE WE GOOD TO GO?" - Julius Root
"No need to shout, commander. These head sets could pick up a spider scratching in Madagascar" - Foaly
"And is there a spider scratching in madagascar?" -Julius Root |
|
| Back to top |
|
adriangarcia
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Nov 2007
Posts: 104
Reviews: 70
Country: United States of America
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
First, let me tell you, try to stay away from subjects such as death, suicide, and overwhelming emotion. Why? Because, as a writer, you become too muddled with your own feelings that the poem becomes, sometimes, muddled. If you do write about said subject matter do it when you feel less like it.
Now to the poem, it was predictable.
Alright start. Try taking my advice. I'd say edit the poem more, later. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Teddybear22
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 08 Oct 2008
Posts: 138
Reviews: 25
Country: U.S., GA
604 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
|
|
hi! i'm new here, but i've been writing poetry for awhile, and you are awesome! i felt everything you described and i felt as if it was happening to me.  i literally thought that i was in the water and that i was fighting for my life only to realize that i didn't need to fight anymore. this is an awesome piece of literature. keep writing!  |
_________________
Everything may be going black, but I'm still glowing! |
|
| Back to top |
|
midnightsun10135
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 21 Oct 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 3
Country: where the grass is green and the sky is blue The big ole' USA
198 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| wow, intense and it was great. it was very impressive. i loved it. keep up the good work!!!!! |
_________________
I hid my face against his shoulder."I love you." i whispered. " you are my life now," he awnsered simply.
-Bella and Edward |
|
| Back to top |
|
wewinwelose
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 09 May 2007
Posts: 84
Reviews: 40
248 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: |
|
|
| that was..interesting...it was a good poem but it was confusing....strange....i didnt understand it until you started talking about dying....try defining the begining a little more to make it a little more understandable. also (and i have a problem with this too) in order for people to read your poem the way you write it you have to add punctuation |
_________________
<3 ~Keep it up! ~ <3 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
