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DemonHunterSociety
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 Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:15 pm Post subject: Demon Hunter- The Beginning |
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Demon Hunter
The Beginning
Prologue
A young woman walked down the dark empty hallway. The wooden floor creaked under her as she took another step down. She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture of hers on the wooden wall. She stared at as if she was lost in thought. " Vincent where are you" she said to herself. She touched his face on the picture and slowly backed away from it. She forced herself to turn around and saw a pair of red eyes staring at her. She squinted at first and thought that maybe she was seeing things but the eyes never faded. They only stared at her from the opposite side of the hallway. Eerie words filled the hallway as the demonic red eyes spoke. "Are you afraid of death little girl?" Laughter filled the hallway and echoed all around her.
" What do you want?" The eyes in front of the woman vanished and all was silent once again. She sighed in relief and fell down to her knees. " Why does this keep happening to me?" She put her head tried her best not to cry. Tears rolled down her soft pale cheeks as she raised her head and stared down the dark hallway. When she turned around to head back to her room she saw the dark red eyes again. Only this time they were right in front of her. She turned to run but couldn't move. She cried out but it did her no good. " Aren't you having a good time Karen?" Karen tried her best to move but was still frozen in place. " How does it feel to now you're only a few seconds away from death?" Karen screamed hysterically and tried her best to move. She could hear distant voices growing closer to her. The demon released Karen and vanished in thin air.
It was as if nothing had ever happened. Karen glanced around the hallway before she dared to move. Was it really gone this time. Straight ahead of Karen was a small mob of people running towards her. She slowly started to walk towards them. Before they could reach her she fell down and hit her head against the wooden wall. " Karen!" " Karen are you okay!" One of the older men knelt down beside Karen and gently helped her sit up. " Karen... what happened to you. Who did this!" Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. " Didn't you see it Sam?" " See what Karen there's nothing here." " Why were you screaming?" " The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again."
A few people in the crowd moaned and walked away from her. " I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble." Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen." Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. " Get some sleep rest. You should feel better in the morning. Same made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried. " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy." Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. " I know what I have to do but can I do it" she said to herself.
Karen opened the top drawer and pulled out a black notebook. She slowly opened the book and started to search for Vincent's number. |
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~nariel~
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:22 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, I just reviewed something of yours! Ha ha. Anyways, I hate to repeat myself, but again, you have to have 2 reviews before you post something.
This piece was visibly better than the one I just read. It's got drama and good characters so far. The only thing that bugged me was the whole "are you afraid of death?" thing, it just reminded me to much of Pirates of the Caribbean (spelling?). Anyways, I really liked the ending sentence:
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| Karen opened the top drawer and pulled out a black notebook. She slowly opened the book and started to search for Vincent's number. |
It left me hanging.
Another suggestion would be to space out your dialogue. Example:
The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried.
" Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy."
It's a lot easier to read that way.
Good luck! Tell me when you post more.
~N~ |
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DemonHunterSociety
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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| hey I'm really sorry about some of the misspelled words. I just woke up but that's no excuse for not paying attention to my work. There will be a better copy coming out. Sorry again. |
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~nariel~
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DemonHunterSociety
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 2:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks. By the way I really enjoyed your story. |
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Stripedbook
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:23 am Post subject: |
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| uhhm this is really werid but i have a quick question i'm stuck on a story and have no idea what hair color to use it sounds like a simply pick but i'm writing about a girl from japan, and most japense when you watch the manga or anything has things like purple hair i want to do that but i want to make it sound natural. not like she died it what do i do |
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theniceguy1135
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: Great story! |
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| I liked the cliffhanger at the end. I agree that you should have spaced out the dialouge more. Other than that I didn't see anything wrong with it. I can't wait for the rest. |
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Reuben A
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: Nice story |
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| Same made sure Karen was in bed before he left |
Shouldn't it be Sam? Other than I could find nothing wrong with it. And you've got an interesting cliffhanger that left everyone, including me, hanging. Nice. |
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VampireBloodrace
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 10:14 pm Post subject: |
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She stared at as if she was lost in thought
I think you forgot the 'it', lol. Otherwise, it looks really good. The ending was kinda............idk, but it wasn't the best.........I just didn't like it. Not to sound harsh or anything though! I like the thrill in it! |
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Kaylyn
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: |
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| A young woman walked down the dark empty hallway. The wooden floor creaked under her as she took another step down. She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture of hers on the wooden wall. She stared at as if she was lost in thought. " Vincent where are you" she said to herself. She touched his face on the picture and slowly backed away from it. She forced herself to turn around and saw a pair of red eyes staring at her. She squinted at first and thought that maybe she was seeing things but the eyes never faded. They only stared at her from the opposite side of the hallway. Eerie words filled the hallway as the demonic red eyes spoke. "Are you afraid of death little girl?" Laughter filled the hallway and echoed all around her. |
Okeedokee, you really need to shorten your paragraphs. Another thing: When a character speaks it needs to be separated from the description. I like your vocabulary, its extensive and hopefully i'll see more of it. I didn't see any spelling mistakes here, But then again that doesn't say much, I don't look for grammar mistakes that often.
| Quote: |
| " What do you want?" The eyes in front of the woman vanished and all was silent once again. She sighed in relief and fell down to her knees. " Why does this keep happening to me?" She put her head tried her best not to cry. Tears rolled down her soft pale cheeks as she raised her head and stared down the dark hallway. When she turned around to head back to her room she saw the dark red eyes again. Only this time they were right in front of her. She turned to run but couldn't move. She cried out but it did her no good. " Aren't you having a good time Karen?" Karen tried her best to move but was still frozen in place. " How does it feel to now you're only a few seconds away from death?" Karen screamed hysterically and tried her best to move. She could hear distant voices growing closer to her. The demon released Karen and vanished in thin air. |
Again, shorten your paragraphs. Separate the dialogue from everything else okay?
Again nice vocabulary, very nice. Very good description.
I didn't see any grammar mistakes here other than you put an extra space between the first opening quotation and your first word. You don't need those.
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| It was as if nothing had ever happened. Karen glanced around the hallway before she dared to move. Was it really gone this time. Straight ahead of Karen was a small mob of people running towards her. She slowly started to walk towards them. Before they could reach her she fell down and hit her head against the wooden wall. " Karen!" " Karen are you okay!" One of the older men knelt down beside Karen and gently helped her sit up. " Karen... what happened to you. Who did this!" Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. " Didn't you see it Sam?" " See what Karen there's nothing here." " Why were you screaming?" " The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again." |
Ahh, same comments from before about the paragraph and dialogue.
Here you had some punctuation mistakes. I noticed that several times you had several periods in place of question marks. Its a common mistake. I love this paragraph, you write very beautifully.
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| A few people in the crowd moaned and walked away from her. " I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble." Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen." Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. " Get some sleep rest. You should feel better in the morning. Same made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried. " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy." Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. " I know what I have to do but can I do it" she said to herself. |
The aforesaid on you paragraphs and dialogues. I didn't see any punctuation or grammar mistakes so great job there.
| Quote: |
| Karen opened the top drawer and pulled out a black notebook. She slowly opened the book and started to search for Vincent's number. |
I can't wait to see who this Vincent is and why it anything to do with Karen. I'll keep reading to find out. You write beautifully and this could be a great piece of work of you polished it up. It can be fixed. Your descriptions are okay and you just need to work on those paragraphs. Please PM me with any questions you may have or if you post a second part to this I would love to read it and review it for you. You did a great job. Keep writing and good luck! |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
| A young woman walked down the dark empty hallway. |
Whenever you have two words describing the same noun, you need a comma between them. So put one between dark and empty.
| Quote: |
| She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture of hers on the wooden wall. |
Get rid of 'walking' since the word 'stopped' already implies that.
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| She put her head tried her best not to cry. |
This is worded weirdly, and I'm not sure what you're saying.
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| " Karen!" " Karen are you okay!" |
Get rid of the middle 2 quotation marks.
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| Get some sleep rest. |
Get rid of 'sleep'.
Like everyone else said, I loved the ending. I do have a few other problems, though.
1) There countless typos.
2) You did little to nothing to separate dialogue from description, so I'm going to give you a crash course in paragraphing. Every time you see [paragraph] that means you should start a new paragraph.
Eerie words filled the hallway as the demonic red eyes spoke.
[paragraph]
"Are you afraid of death little girl?" Laughter filled the hallway and echoed all around her.
[paragraph]
" What do you want?"
Get it? Whenever someone speaks for the first time, you usually start a new paragraph. If someone is speaking, and then someone new speaks, then a new paragraph must also be started. My description was pretty basic, so you'll have to pay attention to the stories you read more to fivure it out.
Anyway, great story otherwise. Great descriptions and it was very easy to read. |
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DemonHunterSociety
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the comments everyone. Honestly when I wrote this I was sleepy, and in a hurry to get it done but I have corrected it and started writing chapter one. Some of you might be disappointed though but i'm not going to say anything just yet. |
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DemonHunterSociety
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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| A fair warning to the younger readers. The rest of the book will be rated for adults. Also I haven't been posting anything on Demon Hunter because i'm working on a book called Tears From Heaven. I'm half way done with and I might post it when i'm done. |
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JessicaB
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject: Re: Demon Hunter- The Beginning |
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| DemonHunterSociety wrote: |
Demon Hunter
The Beginning
Prologue
A young woman walked down the dark empty hallway. The wooden floor creaked under her as she took another step down. She stopped walking for a moment and stared at an old picture of hers on the wooden wall. She stared at as if she was lost in thought. " Vincent where are you" she said to herself. She touched his face on the picture and slowly backed away from it. She forced herself to turn around and saw a pair of red eyes staring at her. She squinted at first and thought that maybe she was seeing things but the eyes never faded. They only stared at her from the opposite side of the hallway. Eerie words filled the hallway as the demonic red eyes spoke. "Are you afraid of death little girl?" Laughter filled the hallway and echoed all around her.
" What do you want?" The eyes in front of the woman vanished and all was silent once again. She sighed in relief and fell down to her knees. " Why does this keep happening to me?" She put her head She put her head where? That doesn't make any sense. Reword that. tried her best not to cry. Tears rolled down her soft pale cheeks as she raised her head and stared down the dark hallway. When she turned around to head back to her room she saw the dark red eyes again. Only this time they were right in front of her. She turned to run but couldn't move. She cried out but it did her no good. " Aren't you having a good time Karen?" Karen tried her best to move but was still frozen in place. " How does it feel to now you're only a few seconds away from death?" Karen screamed hysterically and tried her best to move. She could hear distant voices growing closer to her. The demon released Karen and vanished in thin air.
It was as if nothing had ever happened. Karen glanced around the hallway before she dared to move. Was it really gone this time. Straight ahead of Karen was a small mob of people running towards her. She slowly started to walk towards them. Before they could reach her she fell down and hit her head against the wooden wall. " Karen!" " Karen are you okay!" One of the older men knelt down beside Karen and gently helped her sit up. " Karen... what happened to you. Who did this!" Karen, still confused on what really happened stared blankly at the old man. " Didn't you see it Sam?" " See what Karen there's nothing here." " Why were you screaming?" " The demon... it was here. It tried to kill me again."
A few people in the crowd moaned and walked away from her. " I told you that she was crazy. That damn girl is nothing but trouble." Sam sighed in disappointment and said," I thought something actually happened to you this time Karen." Sam helped Karen stand up and escorted her back to her room. " Get some sleep rest. You should feel better in the morning. same? is it suppose to be same or Sam? IM confused, Same made sure Karen was in bed before he left. After she heard the door close she got back up. The same demonic voice from the hallway laughed at Karen as she cried. " Did you think for one second that they actually believed you? Even I thought you were crazy." Karen turned on the lamp next to the bed and sighed. She stood up and walked to the other side of the room. " I know what I have to do but can I do it" she said to herself.
Karen opened the top drawer and pulled out a black notebook. She slowly opened the book and started to search for Vincent's number.maybe you could put 'She slowly opened the book and began her search for Vincent's number.' |
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CJeanene13
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| Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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I also noticed what the others noticed. So I don't have any mistakes for you to correct, besides those mentioned above. One thing I noticed is that probably by accident some of your sentences aren't complete.
I really liked the very suspiciousness of the story. The tension and questions. I am hooked.
I like how you left us hanging and in question on what is going on.
Tell me when you write more please.
Also, it would be awesome if you could read my prologue in Romantic Fiction called No Title... A work in Progress. So as you can see there is no title.
Keep writing and once again, let me know if you write more! |
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