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Chapter Eight -- Taking down Ruby
Chapter Eight -- Taking down Ruby

by wisemann210 in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Lyric Poetry

This thread was created on September 20, 2008
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terrible writing prompts contest

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vox nihili   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 12:46 pm    Post subject: terrible writing prompts contest Reply with quote

This was  a poem I wrote for the Terrible Writing Prompts contest, 

6. write a scene in which one character reduces another to uncontrollable sobs without touching them or speaking.  



The open window welcomes the wind,

That blows, rattling the shrunken leaves of the dying roses;

And like the withered blossoms on the window sill, 

Sits the boy, his anguish curtained,

Like a waterfall behind vines.

Waiting, just waiting;

Then the kitchen door, its hinges squeaking,

Admits a visitor.

How can it be?

A week dead, surely not alive-walks in poor Thomas’s father!

As still as the dying roses on the windowsill, sits Thomas,

His pale eyes glazing over with tears as he realizes it’s not his father.

This man is shorter, his face harder, his eyes more sunken.

No, not father, he decides.  

Another man, a meaner man-

This man holds out a knife.

Now Thomas knows

Just how his father died.

“You did it!”

He cries.

The stranger stands, a dark shadow in the warm sunlight.

Thomas slings the vase of dying roses 

At the shadow’s form.

Still, the man is silent, still.

Now he’s desperate, and so, the tears running in streams down his cheeks,

He prays for deliverance from a murderous stranger.
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silverSUNLIGHTx   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought this poem was beautiful.
Sad and touching in different ways.
But also, it was a bit unclear. In some places I couldn't tell who you were referring to, Thomas or the murderer.
So maybe clear it up a bit and try to give some more detail about how his father died.
But it was still good, my favorite lines were:
"And like the withered blossoms on the window sill,

Sits the boy, his anguish curtained,

Like a waterfall behind vines.

Waiting, just waiting"

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A writer and nothing else: a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right. ~John K. Hutchens
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vox nihili   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 11:14 pm    Post subject: Thanks Reply with quote

Thanks for the critique. I'm going to work on the whole "how his father died," thing.

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If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone.
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Livinginfantasy   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is beautiful!

Great intro; the personification was well done. And I love how you came up with an idea like this for the prompt. Creative.

I have no crit on the content... this is a fabulous poem! But I must say that you need to work on the punctuation; too many commas and not enough periods. But, that's just my taste, so you may disregard.

Ah! You almost made me forget... Title! That's the whole reason I clicked on this poem in the first place. I was going to complain over the title. Lucky you, you had an amazing poem that made me forget my little rant. Very Happy

But please, give this an amazing title. It deserves one.

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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
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vox nihili   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

46
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 118
Reviews: 46
Country: There's no frigate like a book...
556 Points

PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. The title I came up with before I realized that the terrible prompts contest required that heading was Revelation of the Roses. I need some help with poem-punctuation! I guess I'll look at that icon for the writing tips thing. Thanks for the comment! Very Happy

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If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone.
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This thread was created on September 20, 2008

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