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Shoes: A storybook
Shoes: A storybook

by cjscoot in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 20, 2008
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Down the Drain - Chapter 3

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:33 am    Post subject: Down the Drain - Chapter 3 Reply with quote

Molly stepped out of the carriage into dazzling sunlight, blinding her for several seconds. When she regained her sight, she saw that she now stood in front of a large building with a flat roof. The building’s colour was similar to that of the sand of the desert. All the corners of the buildings were round, and the windows had no glass. Surprisingly she wasn’t standing on the loose sand of the dessert any more, she was standing on solid brown earth. Next to the Building, were several more buildings, same colour, same size, same shape, a replica practically. It was a city!

“In.” A gruff voice behind her said. She stood fast. All of a sudden she felt a boot make contact with her backside. She tumbled forward and hit the floor. Quickly she stood up, and walked into the building. Inside, she was blinded once more, but this time by darkness. Soon her eyes adjusted, and she saw that she was standing in a room with a big table with rich berries put on it randomly. She took a step forward with a watering mouth.

““ey! You “an’t eat tat!” A voice behind her called out as she put out her hand. A big hand grabbed her collar and yanked her back. The big man who had yanked her, now spun her around to face him. He pulled her up so their faces practically touched.

“Never eat da masters food.” He said spitting into her face. She smelt fresh saliva. She couldn’t help it. She vomited.

* * *

“So, since one legend is false,” Will said, desperate for information. “who am I in your legends?”

“You are Wel, god of power. People call you evil.” Fatina said. Will digested this information, and answered.

“Half true, half false. I am Wel, god of power, but I’m not evil. I consider myself kind hearted actually.” Will thought that what Fatina had said of him was not true, but he was very wrong.

* * *

Molly looked down at her burned hands. They hadn’t been burnt by fire. No, The slave traders were far too cruel for that. What Molly didn’t notice when she was looking at the building, was that to the one side of the building hung a long rope. If any slave did any thing wrong, they would have their hands fastened around the rope, and would have to slide down. Rope burns. The worst kind of burn. Presently she was in a cell with about eighty other slaves, captured from all over the desert, now sitting there together as slaves. Some were praying to several gods, Molly heard Wel mentioned several times. Others were talking about what their kings would do when they found out about their capture. Molly was thinking about what her parents would do if they found out that she had been captured and was a slave. Suddenly, she heard someone talking about something she was interested in.

“-so the date was delayed several times, but the slave auction is now in one week, in other words 23rd Wola.” One of the men was saying. One entire week! Molly thought to herself. She couldn’t sand one more minute in this world! All of the sudden it dawned on her that maybe she was going to be stuck here forever! In this stinking rotten world. Her parents probably already thought that she was dead. She would never see them again! Unexpected tears welled up in her eyes. Soon she was weeping. She ignored the strange stares that she was getting from all the other slaves, and continued sobbing.

* * *

Fatina’s house was not the same at all as the building that Molly was being held captive in. It was a small mud house with a yellow grass roof. This house too had windows, but these weren’t simple holes in a wall, they had glass in. Around these windows was a white paint, apparently to keep evil spirits away. The house was built much further north than the city Molly was in too. Fatina’s house was built in a more tropical part of the dessert, where there were many palm trees, and a few birch trees which looked unnatural in a dessert. Then again a big talking red bird is also unnatural. Fatina had a husband with the name Aknak, and three children, two boys and a girl. Will was sleeping in the spare bedroom. It was nothing grand – grander than oak trees though – only a straw bed with a straw pillow and a blanket with no filling, but it was the best Fatina’s family had, and that was good enough for him. When he woke, Fatina’s daughter, Peggy, brought him a collection of apples and berries. Disappointed, Will saw that some of the berries were of those that he had eaten earlier, but had thought them poisonous. After the minor feast, Fatina volunteered to take Will – or Wel as she thought – to the city. Aknak then refused and said that a man should lead the God to the city of riches. Will then settled this argument by saying: “Since Fatina is the first human that I have seen in this world, she shall lead me.” Anyway, Will was starting to like Fatina. The journey to the city was long, and would take a total of two days. They had stocked up their provisions at her house, and carried Fatina’s eldest son’s clothes for Will, and an extra set of dresses for Fatina. And so they went to the city.

* * *

The small cell door opened, letting a thin streak of light in. This was a memorable event according to the slaves who had been there longer than Molly, because they scarcely ever saw light.

“Food” A grumpy voice said and a hand threw a few scraps of meat and a few bread crusts. What followed reminded Molly of the running of the bulls she had seen on TV. Only difference was that instead of bulls there were people and the horns were the scraps of food. Molly got knocked over by a plump man. After being knocked over, someone stepped on her fingers. She heard a sickening crunch. At first she felt nothing, and thought maybe she had been mistaken, and there was a dry leaf somewhere. Then, all of a sudden, pain exploded from her fingers, up into her hand. She let out a long shrill shriek. She lifted her hand up to her chest – sending more jets of pain into her fingers – and cradled it with her other hand. A crowd of spectators gathered round the howling girl. Some snickered and sneered, others looked at her with sad and knowing eyes, as if it had happened to them in the past. Others laughed cruelly. And one called out:

“That’s no less than you deserve.” Jerks. Molly thought to herself. Through her tears, she could see her fingers, bones shattered and standing out of place. It all was bloody. Then the incredible happened. Just as Molly started to feel nauseous, she saw her bones readjusting themselves. All the blood seemed to vaporize. Now there was silence among the crowd.

“She’s a witch.” Someone whispered. Molly felt all the pain disappear, and then she thought: A witch am I now? It was a pleasant thought. People in her world were afraid of witches. Maybe here they were to. She liked her new-found ability, and she stood up, looking unscathed. She dusted herself off, and asked:

“Who might have had the pleasure of stepping on my fingers? I want to congratulate that person.” A few fingers were pointed at the same man, but the rest seemed not to know. All Molly knew was that the man who had pushed her was fat. The man who fingers were pointed at was fat. Molly walked up to him. She lifted a finger at the cowering man, and said.

“I congratulate you, for now you are the first person to experience my…” She didn’t have a word for it. “…magic.” She lifted her finger higher expectantly, expecting it to come to her like most things had in her life. Nothing happened. Now she concentrated on her finger, Again nothing happened. Now the crowd had already forgotten about her fingers, and started laughing again. Molly spun around in anger. As she did so, the crowd flew against the furthest wall. The wall cracked as well as their egos. Molly thought with satisfaction: Emotions. Once again she turned to the man who had stepped on her fingers. He was standing against the door now. Molly thought of how he stepped on her fingers to satisfy himself. He literally stepped on other people to get ahead. A gust of wind lifted, and the man hit the door behind him. The door swung open. Molly was a free slave. This is just great. She thought I am in an unfamiliar cell, in an unfamiliar building, in an unfamiliar country, in an unfamiliar world. All that is great. But now, unfamiliar people will be trying to catch and sell me, if not kill me. Marvellous With that, she walked out of the door and into freedom.


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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow... I LOVED LOVED LOVED IT!!!!!

Okay now that I got that out of the way, you had no major grammar mistakes or punctition that I saw when I read it. You've put in detail for the surroundings, something most writers need to work on. Though we don't know that much about the MC's. Describe them and maybe their appearence a little more.

I loved the way Molly is a witch, and they think Will is a God, I have an idea that he really is....

*applaudes* you have sucked me in completely with your story. Please let me know when you post the next chapter. Good luck and keep writning!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
So, since one legend is false,” Will said, desperate for information. “who am I in your legends?”
“You are Wel, god of power. People call you evil.” Fatina said. Will digested this information, and answered.
“Half true, half false. I am Wel, god of power, but I’m not evil. I consider myself kind hearted actually.” Will thought that what Fatina had said of him was not true, but he was very wrong.


Don't tell us that yet!!!! It would have been a good pice of story line used to shock the reader.

You could have described the jail more.

More emotions. Even though Molly's power is emotion, you seem to write her quite.. well emotionless...

otherwise:
Quote:
Wow... I LOVED LOVED LOVED IT!!!!!


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heyo!

Been reading what you have up so far, and it's certainly not bad. Needs a fair bit of improvement, especially with description and character. Plot's great, though it doesn't seem to have a lot of direction just yet - in particular your first chapter seemed to be a bit rambling, but on with the crit! (my comments are in italics)

Quote:
Molly stepped out of the carriage into dazzling sunlight, blinding her for several seconds. When she regained her sight, she saw that she now stood in front of a large building with a flat roof. The building’s colour was similar to that of the sand of the desert. All the corners of the buildings were round, and the windows had no glass. Surprisingly she wasn’t standing on the loose sand of the dessert any more, she was standing on solid brown earth. Next to the Building, were several more buildings, same colour, same size, same shape, a replica practically. It was a city!

Mmmkay, from the description you gave, I did not get the feeling of "city." Town or even village at the most - "several" buildings does not a city make. I'm glad to see, however, that you are trying to use your descriptive voice. My advice would be to try playing around with descriptions from your work, and from prompts to see just how descriptive you can get. Use interesting adjectives. Over do it. You can always tone it down later, and it's best to have more than enough than not enough, if you get what I'm saying?

“In.” A gruff voice behind her said. She stood fast. All of a sudden she felt a boot make contact with her backside. She tumbled forward and hit the floor. Quickly she stood up, and walked into the building. Inside, she was blinded once more, but this time by darkness. Soon her eyes adjusted, and she saw that she was standing in a room with a big table with rich berries put on it randomly. She took a step forward with a watering mouth.

““ey! You “an’t eat tat!” A voice behind her called out as she put out her hand. A big hand grabbed her collar and yanked her back. The big man who had yanked her, now spun her around to face him. He pulled her up so their faces practically touched.

“Never eat da masters food.” He said spitting into her face. She smelt fresh saliva. She couldn’t help it. She vomited.

Sentences in the last three paragraphs tend towards short + choppy. Needs more description. How does the building feel/sound/smell. How about the man? Is he ugly? Old? Bulky and strong? Is his nose large and bulbous or narrow and crooked? Eyes, ears, hair? Maybe he's missing some teeth? just trying to point out all the directions you could go in terms of description - the possibilities are absolutely limitless.

* * *

“So, since one legend is false,” Will said, desperate for information. “who am I in your legends?”

“You are Wel, god of power. People call you evil.” Fatina said. Will digested this information, and answered.

“Half true, half false. I am Wel, god of power, but I’m not evil. I consider myself kind hearted actually.” Will thought that what Fatina had said of him was not true, but he was very wrong.

Hmmm.... still can't quite get a feeling for Will's character. I mean, before he was a scared orphan boy, now he's got delusions of grandeur? I for one, would not proclaim myself a god of power if i just randomly ended up in some foreign place. Which - by the way - both of your characters are dealing really well with. Unrealistically well, in fact. They don't seem amazed or frightened or anything at all.

* * *

Molly looked down at her burned hands. They hadn’t been burnt by fire. No, The slave traders were far too cruel for that. What Molly didn’t notice when she was looking at the building, was that to the one side of the building hung a long rope. If any slave did any thing wrong, they would have their hands fastened around the rope, and would have to slide down. Rope burns. The worst kind of burn.

speaking of description, it would be wonderful if you had described the rope when you described the building, and had her wonder at what it's for. A sort of foreshadowing, if you will.

Presently she was in a cell with about eighty other slaves, captured from all over the desert, now sitting there together as slaves. Some were praying to several gods, Molly heard Wel mentioned several times. Others were talking about what their kings would do when they found out about their capture. Molly was thinking about what her parents would do if they found out that she had been captured and was a slave. Suddenly, she heard someone talking about something she was interested in.

“-so the date was delayed several times, but the slave auction is now in one week, in other words 23rd Wola.” One of the men was saying. One entire week! Molly thought to herself. She couldn’t sand one more minute in this world! All of the sudden it dawned on her that maybe she was going to be stuck here forever! In this stinking rotten world. Her parents probably already thought that she was dead. She would never see them again! Unexpected tears welled up in her eyes. Soon she was weeping. She ignored the strange stares that she was getting from all the other slaves, and continued sobbing.

Even with the sobbing, I'm not sure exactly what Molly's feeling, or what she's like at this point. Description also applies to feeling. How does the sadness feel in her? Is it a sour feeling in her stomach? A heartache? Is it more like a numbness that washes over her whole body? Cliche examples, but you get the idea.

* * *

Fatina’s house was not the same at all as the building that Molly was being held captive in. note on POV, you're going for an omnicient third, but it's a third that is alternately close to each of the MCs. So, when you're in one MCs story, it's a little jarring to have comments about what's going on with the other, if that makes any sense? It was a small mud house with a yellow grass roof. This house too had windows, but these weren’t simple holes in a wall, they had glass in. Around these windows was a white paint, apparently to keep evil spirits away. The house was built much further north than the city Molly was in too. Fatina’s house was built in a more tropical part of the dessert, where there were many palm trees, and a few birch trees which looked unnatural in a dessert.

Then again a big talking red bird is also unnatural.

Fatina had a husband with the name Aknak, and three children, two boys and a girl. Will was sleeping in the spare bedroom. It was nothing grand – grander than oak trees though – only a straw bed with a straw pillow and a blanket with no filling, but it was the best Fatina’s family had, and that was good enough for him. When he woke, Fatina’s daughter, Peggy, brought him a collection of apples and berries. Disappointed, Will saw that some of the berries were of those that he had eaten earlier, but had thought them poisonous. After the minor feast, Fatina volunteered to take Will – or Wel as she thought – to the city. Aknak then refused and said that a man should lead the God to the city of riches. Will then settled this argument by saying: “Since Fatina is the first human that I have seen in this world, she shall lead me.” Anyway, Will was starting to like Fatina. The journey to the city was long, and would take a total of two days. They had stocked up their provisions at her house, and carried Fatina’s eldest son’s clothes for Will, and an extra set of dresses for Fatina. And so they went to the city.

a lot of summary here, and not enough scene. Try slowing it down a bit.

* * *

The small cell door opened, letting a thin streak of light in. This was a memorable event according to the slaves who had been there longer than Molly, because they scarcely ever saw light.

“Food” A grumpy voice said and a hand threw a few scraps of meat and a few bread crusts. What followed reminded Molly of the running of the bulls she had seen on TV. Only difference was that instead of bulls there were people and the horns were the scraps of food. Molly got knocked over by a plump man. After being knocked over, someone stepped on her fingers. She heard a sickening crunch. At first she felt nothing, and thought maybe she had been mistaken, and there was a dry leaf somewhere. Then, all of a sudden, pain exploded from her fingers, up into her hand. She let out a long shrill shriek. She lifted her hand up to her chest – sending more jets of pain into her fingers – and cradled it with her other hand. A crowd of spectators gathered round the howling girl. Some snickered and sneered, others looked at her with sad and knowing eyes, as if it had happened to them in the past. Others laughed cruelly. And one called out:

“That’s no less than you deserve.” Jerks. Molly thought to herself. Through her tears, she could see her fingers, bones shattered and standing out of place. It all was bloody. Then the incredible happened. Just as Molly started to feel nauseous, she saw her bones readjusting themselves. All the blood seemed to vaporize. Now there was silence among the crowd.

“She’s a witch.” Someone whispered. Molly felt all the pain disappear, and then she thought: A witch am I now? It was a pleasant thought. People in her world were afraid of witches. Maybe here they were to. She liked her new-found ability, and she stood up, looking unscathed. She dusted herself off, and asked:

“Who might have had the pleasure of stepping on my fingers? I want to congratulate that person.” A few fingers were pointed at the same man, but the rest seemed not to know. All Molly knew was that the man who had pushed her was fat. The man who fingers were pointed at was fat. Molly walked up to him. She lifted a finger at the cowering man, and said.

“I congratulate you, for now you are the first person to experience my…” She didn’t have a word for it. “…magic.” She lifted her finger higher expectantly, expecting it to come to her like most things had in her life. nice line. gives us more of a feeling for her character.Nothing happened. Now she concentrated on her finger, Again nothing happened. Now the crowd had already forgotten about her fingers, and started laughing again. Molly spun around in anger. As she did so, the crowd flew against the furthest wall. The wall cracked as well as their egos. Molly thought with satisfaction: Emotions. Once again she turned to the man who had stepped on her fingers. He was standing against the door now. Molly thought of how he stepped on her fingers to satisfy himself. He literally stepped on other people to get ahead. A gust of wind lifted, and the man hit the door behind him. The door swung open. Molly was a free slave. This is just great. She thought I am in an unfamiliar cell, in an unfamiliar building, in an unfamiliar country, in an unfamiliar world. All that is great. But now, unfamiliar people will be trying to catch and sell me, if not kill me. Marvellous. With that, she walked out of the door and into freedom.


As I said, it's certainly interesting. I'll agree with others when they say that Molly (and Will) seems a little emotionless at this point. Again, my best advice to you is to over do it the first time. Write so much about a scene that you think you can't write any more. And then, and only then, move on. You can always take out the extra later. I look forward to reading more.

~Annie
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