Topic ID: 36236
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MissMorose
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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 Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: You |
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Stand before me my love,
And I shall embody you in words,
From the addictive air around you,
To the aura of perfect sin.
Enfolded in flesh, alive in passion,
You are the antidote to myself.
Voices sweeter, I cannot discover,
Yours rings velvet, while mine...
Soft,and Monotone,
Am I this way to you?
Monotone, do you think?
No.
Pathetic.
You show me how to cherish attention.
Feed me my mead liberally,
Then, as I learn the taste,
Snatch it away.
Pet my head, and flatter my soul,
Then stab me like you always do...
My darling, my dearest,
This is you. |
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200397
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Country: land of the free, home of the brave . . .
788 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:20 am Post subject: Re: You |
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My darling, my dearest,
This is you. |
That last two lines did the trick. There were a few capitalization errors, but other than that, I thought it was good. |
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Maki-Chan
Ganbaru! I will do my best!
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: |
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| Very interesting, I really enjoyed this. A few errors for spelling, but other than that GOOD JOB ^_^ I like your word use, it really flows togther. |
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xGraceex
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320 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:51 pm Post subject: great |
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That was beautiful, its so... i dont know how to describe it! Pure is a good word, it is pure and unstoppable love and passion. I thought you did an amazing job. No bad comments from me, it was perfect and so sad at the same time.
I dont really know much about poetr but that was amazing  |
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BrokenSoul
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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This caught my attention the minute i looked at the first sentence! This is great.No, amazing. NO,
INCREDIBLE!It was very heart htrobbing because you could feel your feelings. You rhymed....sure.
You kept rhythm(or however you spell it)...yah. You kept the readers attention....of course.
But thats not what poetry is about! Poetry is about writing words down to give them a life of their own
so they will stop torturing yours. Same with songs. I love it so much that i am putting it on my
featured list thingy. It is great. Keep it up and dont stop.  |
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silverSUNLIGHTx
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496 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:56 am Post subject: |
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really interesting and flowy. i liked it lots.
it was a tad hard to understand, but i think that just made it more beautiful.
nice job. |
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SIC
Mindless Self Indulgence
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 5:07 am Post subject: |
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a very nice poem. It really challenges the reader.
I hope to see more from you in the future. I honestly nothing that can be improved.
although i am tired. |
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JordanEmert
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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| good job on the poem. It actually made me picture a scene in my head, there were a few capitalization errors and spelling errors but toherwise you did a stupendous job. Keep writing! |
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Chirantha
The boy genius.
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1671 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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This was the most beautiful poem I had read. It showed the love, passion and affection. I mean, I don't know how you chose the exact words to make this poem so great.
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Enfolded in flesh, alive in passion,
You are the antidote to myself.
Voices sweeter, I cannot discover,
Yours rings velvet, while mine...
Soft,and Monotone,
Am I this way to you?
Monotone, do you think?
No.
Pathetic. |
I really loved this verse. It seemed to snatch me away.
I really no more to say. It was so great. No mistakes or errors. Just great.
Well done. |
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natalie
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 5:01 pm Post subject: |
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I thought this poem was amazing! It held so much feeling and passion.
Like the first comment, I love the last two lines. They really rounded it up and held all the meaning of the poem.
The rhythm was very good and I loved way it flowed.
Keep up the good work!
Good Luck! |
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JosephDean
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| Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:52 pm Post subject: |
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Fantastic! I'm glad to see that some people still use the non-rhyming aspect of poetry  I agree with a previous comment up above, those last two lines really did bring it all together in the end. Very beautifully written. |
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wewinwelose
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248 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:19 am Post subject: |
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i LOVED the ending...but in the first part did you mean to say skin? how can sin be perfect? that's all that i found and other than that it's perfect
good luck with your writing
sorry i could have been more help but this is already so good! |
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CrisCaraway
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684 Points
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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Hey,
Well done this poem is really beautiful. Very poetic and romantic. The last two lines were especially effective. I really enjoyed reading it. It's like something out of a poetry book.
Really well done. And please keep writing.
          
C.C |
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MissMorose
Junior Writer
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300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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I've heard people say things about my punctuation, but, guys, my intention was to create emphasis and a rhythm. Just look at Lord Byron! I'm not even one millionth of the poet he was, and he refused to capitalise unless he felt it helped his poem. Poetry isn't like Novels...The rules governing punctuation are different.
(And I follow British spelling, because I'm a foreigner...I hate 'z's in things like 'capitalise' |
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*writewatiwant*
Writer
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1141 Points
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| Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Loved it. You use your vocabulary very nicely, say what you want, put feeling into it and make it flow together, It's an awfully good skill Loved the second stanza. Hum... i think everything was said by me or the other reviews... Anyway, great work. Keep writing! |
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