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by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction


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This thread was created on September 19, 2008

The Note

Topic ID: 36233

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Broken^Minded^Warrior
Junior Writer

Age: 13
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 7

300 Points

Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: The Note

OK, for the "Terrible Writing Prompts" contest, here's one on prompt #4. This probably won't be that good, 'cause this is last minute 'cause I mis-read the deadline, but here goes, anyway! -------------------------- The Note. The piece of paper flutters from his hands. "Why? Why? Why, why, why?" he asks, sobbing. He shudders, and cries uncontrollably. The day started out so well, he thinks. How could this happen? Only $1 got stolen, instead of all his lunch money. He fishes his binder out of the garbage only once, and then he finds it. He looks over at the main source of his torment. That kid! He did it! He wrote it! The boy shudders again. "So cruel!" he manages to croak out. Nobody likes him. He is the nerd, the outcast! He picks up the note again, reading it again. "You know that new kid? The one who came here two months ago?" "Yeah, the geeky one?" "Yeah, him. Isn't he so frigging annoying? He dresses like a girl! He actually reads a lot! No body likes him! Why did he have to come here and bother us?" "Yeah, he's so retarded!" A soft voice calls to him. "What's wrong? Do you want to go to the office and call home?" The voice belongs to a girl. No, the girl. The only kid who shows him a shred of decency. The only one who ever says hi to him. The only one who cares the slightest. He can't stop crying and only nods his head, glistening teats rolling down his cheeks and dripping off his chin, almost as if the have a sadness of their own.He gets up and trails after her. *** The next day comes. So does the report. The girl watches it on the news at school. ..."A thirteen-year-old kid today is reported missing, and presumed dead." She gasps as the description reels off. It's him! ..."in other news..." the reporter drones on. The school announcements crackle through the loud speaker. "Please stand for the Pledge." "He's gone!" the class bully cheers. "You are so heartless!" she yells at him. "Why should you care?" he asks, "nobody really liked him, anyway." "You jerk!" she mutters. "Somebody does care: me!" "Of course you would, nerd!" he retorts. She backs down. Another life is destroyed. Another human being ridiculed and stomped into the ground. All because of the choice that one person makes: to slander and pick on a kid he barely even knows. The boy is now gone from basic existence. All because of the choice made... All because of... The Note.
Last edited by Broken^Minded^Warrior on Sun Oct 12, 2008 7:42 pm; edited 2 times in total

x0xGilmore Girliex0x
Junior Writer

Gender:

Age: 14
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 20

300 Points

Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:04 am Post subject:

Whoa, powerful!!!

First off..... corrections:

Quote:

No body likes him.

should be nobody.

Quote:

readsa lot

there needs to be a space

Quote:

No, thegirl

Again, there needs to be a space.

The argument between the bully and the girl probably should be a little longer, with the girl showing all kinds of emotion: crying, shouting, stomping, etc. and the bully ignoring her completely.

Oh, and when he first gets the note, and he says "so cruel," I think that is unlikely. When you are hurting like that, you probably aren't going to talk to yourself, let alone say something like "so cruel."

Second......the praise:
Wow, I'm like really sad now. You wrote this, oh I can't even describe what I want to say, overviewing-ly, if that makes sense. The POV you went with was really good and the paragraph at the end made me come to a realization. Its like you only took the important parts, combined them, and then stated the moral. I know this sounds rambly, and I'm sorry, but the way you did this was so good, its hard to describe.

All in all, good job! I would vote for you if the competition was up for a vote. :]

_________________
"... and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, " (Hebrews 12:1)

"This race: if you are in it, do your best to win it."
-The Amazing Aaron!

Fire Light
Writer

Gender:

Age: 13
Joined: 20 Oct 2007
Posts: 59
Reviews: 31
Country: on the border between Palatia and Marus
323 Points

Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject:

Hmm... pretty good! Well, x0xGilmore Girliex0x pretty much nailed it, so that's about all there is. Except the italics: i get the feeling that they didn't quite come out right... Anyway, it was pretty powerful! (not to perpetuate x0xGilmore Girliex0x, but i will, anyway!) Again, good job!
_________________ Don't hurt yourself! It hurts! -me & Ygaron

Broken^Minded^Warrior
Junior Writer

Age: 13
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 17
Reviews: 7

300 Points

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 1:09 am Post subject:

Thanks for critiquing! I'll fix the mistakes that x0xGilmore Girliex0x pointed out. And yes, the italics did get messed up, and I'll try to fix those up, also! And if they don't get fixed, then I should probably point out that the note is in italics. Again, thanks!

Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum

Gender:

Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462

300 Points

Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:41 pm Post subject:

Warrior, Hello! Welcome to YWS - I hope you’ll love it here (: To your critique, though: Quote: ..."In other news..." “… in other new…” Quote: ..."A thirteen-year-old kid today is reported missing, and presumed dead." “… a thirteen (…)” That’s all for the line-by-line part. Not a lot, but scores and scores of points for you on that, yes? (: Anyway. The subject you’ve chosen is a hard one, simply because portraying emotions is never easy. Emphasis is put on sadness and etc. - in sort, that would be this piece. It resolves around emotion, doesn’t it? As to how you did - you did fine. The first section was a nice touch, and that I liked. Later on, though, it seemed too rushed, too fast. Slow down. Slow down add descriptions, etc. Build around your idea. Show the reactions not only in dialogue. Write around it, tell us of the characters themselves (not on first section, that was fine), and perhaps setting, etc. Keep up the good work, Esme
_________________ "I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe." -Jack Handy

KingKamor
Senior Writer

Gender:

Age: 18
Joined: 22 Feb 2007
Posts: 107
Reviews: 61
Country: Just a rainy city
300 Points

Posted: Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:54 pm Post subject:

This hits pretty close to home for me, because I was made fun of and ridiculed a lot when I was in elementary school. The bullies never wrote notes to each other, though-- I don't think that they knew how to write. >_>; Anyway, I liked it. It was short, sweet, to the point, and remarkably true. Good job.
_________________ "If I were rain, That joins the sky and earth that otherwise never touch, Could I join two hearts as well?" -Tite Kubo

200397
Writer

Gender:

Age: 16
Joined: 02 Nov 2007
Posts: 79
Reviews: 41
Country: land of the free, home of the brave . . .
788 Points

Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:03 am Post subject:

I think this is good, but I also think it could use a little work. First of all, I think that instead of just laying out in front of everyone what's happening, like a distant spectator, I think you should get in the heads of your characters and explain how they are feeling. I understand when you want to leave a little mystery in the story, so that the reader is compelled to read on, but unless that's what you were going for, I think you could change that. I like the story line, though! I like it a lot, and I want to read more!
_________________ Need a critique? PM me! I'll be good, I promise. Got YWS?

This thread was created on September 19, 2008	Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction	All times are GMT
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This thread was created on September 19, 2008

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