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by Teddybear22 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 19, 2008
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Looking Glass Prologue
Looking Glass Ch.1
Looking Glass Ch. 2
Looking Glass Ch.4
Looking Glass Ch. 5
Looking Glass

Looking Glass Ch.3

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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:58 pm    Post subject: Looking Glass Ch.3 Reply with quote

~ Chapter Three ~

“You’re… you’re the Warrior Queen,” Fallyn sputtered nervously. All thoughts of not showing weakness was all gone now. The floorboards creaked as Fallyn shifted her wait to her other foot in order to get comfortable.

“Good, you caught on then,” she said sarcastically.

Remaining silent, Fallyn wanted to hear what she had to say. She stared at the colorful walls she had painted in her free afternoons. They put her at ease looking at something so familiar. The colors had been reflections of her emotions.

“Because I have had my shot at defending the Forests of Raiyne, I have to pass the opportunity to someone else now.”

“Who is it,” Fallyn asked dumbly, the words had escaped her mouth before she had time to think.

Raiyne stared at her disappointed, “And you’re the one that’s supposed to be the next Warrior Queen? This forest isn’t going to stand a chance. I would have thought that you had taken after my side rather than your father’s. Well, the intelligence at least,” she tacked on as an afterthought.

This is my mother, Fallyn thought. This can’t be happening to me. I am, just a foundling, an outcast, taken in by a generous couple. Her next response was that to the challenge of becoming a Warrior Queen. She knew she wasn’t ready.

“Why did you abandon me then,” Fallyn said, desperate to hear the answer. After all, she didn’t know her, not in the slightest bit. She was also trying to stall. The information might overwhelm her she knew.

“Where I am, and have been, you could not follow. I put you in their hands, knowing that they wanted a child. They were unable to have one of their own.”

Her adoptive parents had never told her that couldn’t have children, although she had wondered why they never had children. Fallyn was surprised by the answer, but anger quickly took over. How could she do that to her, she thought.

“Why are you here now then, talking to me? You couldn’t have dropped in to say earlier, Hi, I’m your mother, or happy birthday, or…or…” her sobbing made her words completely incomprehensible. Her mother, her true mother, watched apologetically, and tried to comfort her.

Fallyn dried her tears and embraced her mother. She remembered her adoptive parents down stairs.

“What about my other parents? What am I going to tell them?” Fallyn asked concerned.

“The best thing you can do for now, is to follow me. It’s safer for them not to know where you are.”

The former Warrior Queen started for the mirror. “Come, it’s time to leave,” she said, beckoning towards the mirror. “Follow me.”

Watching her mother disappear brought her out of her stupor. Quickly she scribbled down a note telling her parents that she was okay and slipped it through the hatch. She made sure that it was on top of everything before she made her way to the Looking Glass. Instinctively, as though she had been doing it her entire life, she stepped towards the glass and disappeared


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Last edited by Kaylyn on Sat Sep 20, 2008 9:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Reuben A   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't find anything wrong with it...it's great. I really like the story...PM me again when the next chapter is ready. Good luck!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 6:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it! I think it's very well written. You are a very talented writer. Good luck to you and let me know when the next chapter is ready.
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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 10:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks!

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Once again good job. I like the way your write your chapters. If only they could be longer. (sigh) Anyways nice job. I didn't exspect that the little girl would be the warrior queen's daughter. Also is there another world inside the mirror, or is it just a portal? Just wondering.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 8:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You'll find out, I don't want to ruin the next few chapters.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awsome job again cant wait for chapter 4

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:52 pm    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

Review:

Quote:
“You’re… you’re the Warrior Queen,” Fallyn sputtered nervously. All thoughts of not showing weakness was all gone now. The floorboards creaked as Fallyn shifted her wait to her other foot in order to get comfortable.

- It's "weight" not wait
- Plus after you say "All thoughts of not showing weakness was all gone now." you can put "Now her hands were shivering impetuously, feeling how the fear, the surprise caught her up." - Write this because you say to the reader that she left the part with not showing her feelings.

Quote:
“Why did you abandon me then,” Fallyn said, desperate to hear the answer. After all, she didn’t know her, not in the slightest bit. She was also trying to stall. The information might overwhelm her she knew.

- Why did you abandon me then,” Fallyn said, desperate to hear the answer. She could feel warm tears blurring her sight... - Later in the story you say
Quote:
Fallyn dried her tears and embraced her mother.
Well those tears needed to be there before she could dry them up -.-`

That's it. Luck!

-Akayl

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi, this is my first review for YWS, I've been following the story from the prologue and I have to say that your writing is amazing. You have a wonderful flow, with the perfect amount of description and actual story telling. Finding that balance is a problem for many people (including me) but definitely not for you. One especially good thing about this story is how even though the chapters are short you are able to perfectly "hook" someone into continuing reading. I can see why you are a senior writer and you give this new writer something to look up to Smile
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This thread was created on September 19, 2008

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