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Love You Forever
Love You Forever

by Cat_910 in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 19, 2008
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The Fight

Topic ID: 36216
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xGraceex   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: The Fight Reply with quote

Edward slowly slid his sword from his sheaf, his long fingers gently gripping the handle and letting the steel fall to his side. His tall, thin frame stood ready and waiting, his eyes staring directly at Kate. She took out her own sword, which was much heavier than her brothers long, thin weapon that was beautifully crafted and a gift to him from the king, as he was one of the youngest, fiercest warriors in these parts. Edward stepped to his right, slowly moving in a perfect circle while Kate did the same, her swords at the ready. He lunged forward, striking his sword above his head and plunging it down towards his sister like a madman, a glint of fire in his eyes, but Kate quickly raised her thick sword in defence and a clang of metal echoed throughout the room and Edward grinned with pride, but then attacked again, only to be stopped once more by Kate and her sword.

Over and over he swung and swiped his weapon but only to be stopped by his younger sisters' quick thinking, and he was happy that she had taken her training so seriously. Kate then saw a chance and flew her swords towards his ribs, only for him to sidestep in surprise, giving Kate another chance to strike. Edward dodged again, grinning fiercely and laughing as the clang of metal against metal quickened, and he soon felt beads of sweat on the back of his neck with the effort to stop his sisters blows. Kate snarled with the weight of sword on her arm, and hated the fact that her dear older brother had insisted she used the heaviest sword he owned, saying it would make her work harder. Edward yelped as his leg twinged with old injury, and he shouted "Stop!" making Kate jump back with surprise and look worriedly at him, wondering if she had broken anything, but Edward mearly smiled weakly and said "Just my leg... It wasn't you..." He straitened up, and swung an attack again and wasn't surprised when Kate quickly flicked her sword to stop it with clear ease.

Kate remembered when she couldn't even lift a sword, let alone use it, and the thought made her smile as she continued to battle her brother in their usual morning practice. Her brother smiled back, and said "Think this is easy, do you?" and he did a surprise twist with his leg so he tripped Kate, so she stumbled, nearly poking out Edwards eye while doing it.

"You cheated!" She said, panting with the fight. Her brother smiled and said "Of course I did. If I am an attacker, I won't play fair, will I?" Kate then stamped angrily on his foot, making him laugh even more, and they resumed their fight with a new energy, dancing on the tips of their toes to dodge the new cheating rule. Kate was now so good at fighting in this way that the fear of getting hurt was nothing compared to the desire to win this battle with her brother, who had always beaten her at everything.

Kate managed to finaly stamp on her brothers foot, but it caught his trouser leg and he fell backwards, his sword slipping from his long fingertips. For a split second, Kate was terrified that the sword would cut through her brothers throat, but it flew above him and over him as he flew through the air, and as he thudded to the ground, the swords sharp point pierced the tapestry and the wood wall behind it, and stayed pierced to the wall, its handle wobbling as it stayed in mid air. Edward stood up, a slight limp in his bad leg and said "You nearly got me there!" and he smiled, but looked extremely relieved that the sword missed, and walked over to it and pulled it out of the tapestry, leaving a small, thin whole behind. He sheathed it, still panting from the fight, and said "Breakfast, I think" and he lead Kate out of the room, clearly very worn out. She smiled to herself, glad that she had worn him out, as a sort of payback for the heavy sword he had insisted on her using. A heavy sword wasn't going to stop her winning.


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olivia1987uk   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 5:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good piece overall, quite enjoyed it! Get me branching out into poetry and science fiction today! Lol...just a few pointers

Quote:
She took out her own sword, which was much heavier than her brothers long, thin weapon that was beautifully crafted and a gift to him from the king, as he was one of the youngest, fiercest warriors in these parts.


Mammoth sentence that would flow better as two....i'd split up up during the description of her brothers sword....eg.......her brothers long, thin weapon. It was beautifully crafted...

Quote:
Over and over he swung and swiped his weapon but only to be stopped by his younger sisters' quick thinking, and he was happy that she had taken her training so seriously.


Again I'd split up this sentence. Instead of the comma after thinking, I would replace it with a fullstop and get rid of the and afterwards, and start a new sentence.

Quote:
He straitened up, and swung an attack again


Spelling error - "straightened"

Quote:
"You cheated!" She said, panting with the fight. Her brother smiled and said "Of course I did. If I am an attacker, I won't play fair, will I?"


New speaker new line.

Basically, this needs a fair bit of work in terms of organisation. Sentence structure needs to be looked at quite honstly. They're too long and become complicated...

Other than that I like the style and the relationship of the siblings is very apparent...therefore emotional attachment to the characters is easy...keep it up...if you want help PM me

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Kaylyn   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Grammar.

[quote] He straitened up, and swung an attack again and wasn't surprised when Kate quickly flicked her sword to stop it with clear ease. [quote]

I think you meant straightened.

[quote] Kate managed to finaly stamp on her brothers foot, but it caught his trouser leg and he fell backwards, his sword slipping from his long fingertips. [quote]

Typo! its finally.

Opinion.

Very good work *gold star from me* It was very detailed and it had a good vocabulary. This story has potiential. Please let me know when your next piece comes out, I really enjoyed reading this much. Sounds like its going to be good. PM me when your finshed with the next piece. Good luck and keep writing.

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There were quite a few spelling mistakes in there, but i am not too bothered about those, as they have already been pointed out. It was fun to read and i liked the combat, some writers find it hard to clearly describe what is happening during a fast paced action/fight scene. You captured the moment of sword on sword perfectly, and the emotions of a moments fear was very well described, i feel at home reading this. Keep up the good work Smile

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This thread was created on September 19, 2008

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