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The Timekeeper - Prologue
The Timekeeper - Prologue

by cocoboy in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 19, 2008
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Looking Glass Prologue
Looking Glass Ch.1
Looking Glass Ch.3
Looking Glass Ch.4
Looking Glass Ch. 5
Looking Glass

Looking Glass Ch. 2

Topic ID: 36215
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:11 pm    Post subject: Looking Glass Ch. 2 Reply with quote

There is a prologue and chapter one prior to this. If you read chapter one, well you might want to go back and reread it. I changes it alot, and took part of the ending out. Here goes Chapter Two.

--------------------

~ Chapter Two ~

Fallyn knew that when she walked through the door, her mother was going to nag her about staying out to long.

“Why were you out so late? You know you were supposed to be in before it got dark,” she scolded.

Fallyn, wanting to please her mother with the mirror, put her hands in her pocket to retrieve the mirror. It was then she realized that she wanted to keep her find to herself.

“Sorry, I won’t do it again.” She apologized, insincerely. Her mother was already too busy with the dishes to notice.

Fallyn hovered to her room, her feet so sore she couldn’t walk. She walked into her closet and opened the hatch in the ceiling that led up to the secret room. Her parents didn’t even know it existed. Nimbly she leapt through the hole, closing the hatch behind her.

Lighting a candle, she sighed with content and she made a full turn, observing her piece of paradise. A desk made in her free time stood in the corner, its delicate and intriguing designs catching her eye. A tree starting at the bottom grew; it branches extending outwards, blossoms and leaves attached. It wound its way from the leg to the very top. It had taken her months to finish and carve. A picture that she had drawn sat in a simple silver frame rested on the desk. The little stool, matching in design sat beside it, begging to be sat in. Against the back wall was a bookshelf, filled with her favorites.

Walking to her wooden desk, she fished out the mirror and laid it on it. Staring at her reflection she caught a movement in the looking glass. Swirling around, she thought the worst; her parents had found her place of solitude. To her surprise there was nothing.

Looking back into the mirror, she touched the surface, and saw it ripple. Stunned, Fallyn watched a face appear similar to her own that stared back. If she hadn’t been frozen with fear she would have dropped the mirror, but her hands wouldn’t obey her. So she could just watch with horror as the woman stared back.

The flickering candlelight caught the mirrors reflection blinding Fallyn for a few moments. When she blinked her eyes free of the spots, the woman in the mirror was gone. She sighed with relief, slumping in the stool. Just as she was about to convince herself it was a dream, she felt a tap on her shoulder. This time she wished it was her parents.

Turning behind her, she loosed a blood-curdling scream. The woman was standing directly behind her. Remembering that her parents were both out foraging she cut off her scream. They couldn’t hear her. She didn’t want to show any weakness in front of this stranger.

Standing up, Fallyn faced the stranger, ready to defend herself. The woman put her hands up in a peaceful gesture. Fallyn realized that the woman was studying her with a loving and curious expression on her face.

“I don’t mean any harm; I come to deliver a message.” She laughed, trying to keep a straight face. Apparently she didn’t want to offend her.

Fallyn studied the woman’s face this time. Taking in the sparkling dark purple eyes that mirrored her own. Like herself, the woman also had dark raven black hair that blended with the shadows.

“What’s your name,” Fallyn asked. It always helped when she knew someone’s name.

“Raiyne, in fact these forests were named after me,” she said a bit smugly.

Realization snapped within Fallyn. This stranger was the first and only Warrior Queen, and a dangerous Queste was about to begin. And she was a part of it.


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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow...all I can say is...WOW!!

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, chapter three is out. I posted it today.

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PostPosted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 7:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicely written, I have been sucked into your story, so you will get more reviews from me ^_^ I saw no grammar, or spelling errors. Hopefully you will do more explaining of this 'warrior' queen in chapter 3? I hope so. I wonder when the prologue will be the current time? Oh well, good job. Do not stop writting. ^_^

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good follow up! Your prose is still wonderful - though it could still use a little polish in places - and the pacing as you've edited it is much better. I think you could draw this scene out a little more though: it's very short. And as a chapter it's absolutely minuscule! Maybe combine several of the chapters into one big one? I think I'd like a little more description of setting, though you'll have to strike a balance between that and action. Overall, very nice work!

~Annie
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, I'll get to editing it today or tomorrow. Chapyer Four had been posted by the way.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 2:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awsome chapter i loved it! =)
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 2:30 pm    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

This freaked me out! C`mon! At least tell me there will be people popping up in the back of the main character. Seriously. I was reading this chapter with the lights off :thud:

It's a great chapter I must admit.

Quote:
“Sorry, I won’t do it again.” She apologized, insincerely.

Put a little description about her voice.
Example : She apologized. Her voice sounded so insincere like the soft lie that she said stood on her lips and lingered there for a while, fading into that tens silence.
- Put more descriptions of her action.

Quote:
If she hadn’t been frozen with fear she would have dropped the mirror, but her hands wouldn’t obey her.

- "...but her hands wouldn't obey her." - You say this like she intended to drop the mirror. She would drop the mirror of surprise.
Example : If she hadn't been frozen with fear she would have dropped the mirror, but her fingers` grasp didn't weaken the mirror`s edge.

Quote:
Fallyn studied the woman’s face this time. Taking in the sparkling dark purple eyes that mirrored her own. Like herself, the woman also had dark raven black hair that blended with the shadows.

- Again the lack of description. You could add after this :
Her skin was glowing in the faint light of the candle. The smooth lines of her face, made her the most beautiful woman that Fallyn saw in her whole life. - and so on.

Quote:
“Raiyne, in fact these forests were named after me,” she said a bit smugly.

- A short answer would be better.
Example : "Rayne." The light from the candle flicker like even the pale flame was happy to hear that name.

On my way to chapter 3. Luck!

-Akayl

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