Topic ID: 36212
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
olivia1987uk
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
|
 Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:43 pm Post subject: I am Mentally Ill |
 |
|
Her hair is the colour of Autumn. I never thought this would be possible, as Autumn has so many colours. You kind of have to see it to believe it. Her eyes are an icy blue, yet somehow they make me melt. Lots of things about her are unexplainable. She truly is mysterious.
When she visited me in prison, her hair and eyes shone so brightly, the other prisoners were jealous that she stopped in my cell. She wore grey tailored trousers that enhanced her sophistication. The black top she was also wearing, with the knotted detail on the breastbone, I had seen her wearing the first time we met. It clung to her hips and showed the desirable quality of her bosom, so round and firm.
Even when she was cross with me, because she thought I wasn’t answering her questions properly, I still loved her. I told her this once and she just laughed as if she was embarrassed. She patted me on the shoulder and told me she was flattered. That was the seventh time we had ever touched. I have started this new notebook so I can show everyone how much I love her.
Every meeting I have with her, I document. I don’t want to forget a single detail. She scolded me once, playfully, as I had more notes than she did and she was supposed to be doing her job. Corrina’s job, that is her name, Corrina, is a criminal psychologist. I wish I didn’t have to know her because of the things I had done wrong. In fact, if I did have one wish it would be to rewind back to three years ago, and to not have killed my father.
I know you will probably think me mad and murderous, and to some extent I am. The difference with me is though, I am ill. Corrina is trying to find out what the matter with my head is. I hope she does. I trust her to get it right. She thinks I have a type of autism or some kind of multiple personality disorder. I don’t understand it.
Corrina likes me, she has told me that eighteen times in the last six months. She cannot be lying. Do you know why? She won’t lie because she always reprimands me for that and she told me once she did not like hypocrites. I think Corinna likes herself as she is very confident so she cannot like herself and be a hypocrite. That in itself would be hypocritical.
I haven’t been put on trial for murder yet, but Corrina says it won’t be long now. This is because I have injuries and a physical illness myself. Last week I made a list of all the things that had been wrong with me in one month. It looked like this:
Henry Booth, aged 26
Suffers from 3rd degree burns on 60% of his body
Has AIDS
AIDS has given Henry - diarrhoea, blotches on face and in mouth, fever, sweating, weight loss
These are the things I noticed and Corinna said they were symptoms of my aids. She also says that is why my burns and blisters still ooze from time to time. Because the AIDS affects my white blood cells so my burns cannot fight infection. I was never that good at biology in school so I trust her judgement. If she told me black was white I would sooner doubt my eyesight than think she was lying to me.
I’m going to put my notebook away now as Corinna is due to visit me. I reminded her that I was on ward 104, bay 13 and she promised she would remember. I feel sorry for her visiting me here. She says the secure hospital is scarier than the prison. I’m not sure why that would be, but she must be right. She is always right. |
_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
x0xGilmore Girliex0x
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
Reviews: 20
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 7:54 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Oh my goodness, this was superb! You did an excellent job of showing how mentally ill he was. I would've loved for him to have a tiny rant about his dad or why he killed him or him trying to justify the murder of his dad and then argue back with the love he has for Corinna, but it was still really really good.
I don't know if you've continued this or even thought about it, but it would be really cool to hear about his progress with Corinna and the trial. Man, I can't get over how good it was. You never let your personality override his, so the story seemed steady and believable.
Truly, this was amazing, so I didn't find any typos or spelling/grammatical errors. Again, good job! |
_________________
"... and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, " (Hebrews 12:1)
"This race: if you are in it, do your best to win it."
-The Amazing Aaron! |
|
| Back to top |
|
sokool15
"Good God, you're a woman!"
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 698
Reviews: 368
Country: Wunderbar!
404 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 8:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
Um... wow. That's all I can say.
Well, okay, maybe not all. I also have a question: is this based on a true story? It really has that feel to it.
Excellent characterization - I liked how he sounded slightly childish, but not like a real child. He had some adult understandings, but he saw the world in a different way. You really brought his personality to life in a unique, amazing way.
The one thing I would say I didn't like, surprisingly enough, was the first sentence. I mean, describing a woman's hair for a first sentence is bad enough. The worst thing, though was that it didn't fit with the MC's personality. Throughout the rest of the eloquent yet simple piece, he maintained a certain tone, and that tone just didn't suggest to me that he'd say something like "her hair was the color of Autumn." I do like the part about her ice-blue eyes making him melt... that was cool.
Anyway, much ado about nothing because I still liked the first paragraph and the first sentence wasn't really that bad...so that's all I have. Wonderful piece - I salute you.
Yours ever,
MademoiselleKool  |
_________________
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
~Albert Einstein |
|
| Back to top |
|
olivia1987uk
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks for your comments! I will be carrying on with this, hopefully with a little help from my friend....I'm going to write a section from Corinna's point of view as well! |
_________________
Olivia
xxx
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic36697.html |
|
| Back to top |
|
Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Olivia,
Hello. How are you? Hopefully well (: Anyway, to your review.
Quote:
Her hair is the colour of Autumn.
Capitalizing this struck me as a bit odd. See, if it is indeed personification, then, well, it’s only vaguely so. Hmm.
Quote:
When she visited me in prison, her hair and eyes shone so brightly, the other prisoners were jealous that she stopped in my cell.
Second comma unnecessary, I think. The sentence looks weird without it, though - consider rephrasing slightly? Or just add “that” and be done with it.
Quote:
She wore grey tailored trousers that enhanced her sophistication.
I didn’t like this - “enhancing sophistication”…
***
All in all, I think I liked this. It was interesting, and most certainly held my attentions. Points to you on that.
There was one specific thing that bothered me, though, and that was the MC’s “voice”. See, I couldn’t find out what it was, exactly. I had a few things highlighted with the comment “awkward phrasing”, but then in the end cut it, since it might as well have been that “unique voice”. But on the other hand, there’s that “sophistication” sentence (as for specifics), even if those specifics end there. And then there’s this general feeling that perhaps this “voice” should be emphasized more.
So I guess you don’t want the awkward wording pointed out?
Numbers - nice touch. I liked that.
Thanks for posting,
Cheers |
_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
|
| Back to top |
|
cherylkate
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 27 Sep 2008
Posts: 9
Reviews: 4
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: Re: I am Mentally Ill |
|
|
I lovedlovedloved this, but there were some things that caught my eye.
When she visited me in prison, her hair and eyes shone so brightly, the other prisoners were jealous that she stopped in my cell.
Maybe if it were "her hair and eyes shone so brightly that it made the other prisoners jealous she stopped in my cell?
She wore grey tailored trousers that enhanced her sophistication. The black top she was also wearing, with the knotted detail on the breastbone, I had seen her wearing the first time we met.
Suggestion: "Her grey tailored trousers added to the air of sophistication around her, and she was wearing the shame top she'd worn the first time she met"...? I dunno.
Corrina’s job, that is her name, Corrina, is a criminal psychologist. I wish I didn’t have to know her because of the things I had done wrong. In fact, if I did have one wish it would be to rewind back to three years ago, and to not have killed my father.
Suggestion: "Corrina - that's her name - is a criminal pyscologist. I wish she wasn't; I wish my crimes weren't the only reason I knew her. If I had one wish, I would wish to have never killed my father."
I'll admit, I'm a nitpicker.
:S
Corrina is trying to find out what the matter with my head is. I hope she does. I trust her to get it right. She thinks I have a type of autism or some kind of multiple personality disorder. I don’t understand it.
Suggestion: "Corrina is trying to find out what's wrong with me. She thinks I might have autism, or some kind of multiple personality disorder. I don't know what those things mean, but I trust her."
Nevertheless, I loved this. I loved the childlike innocence he has, in the way you've written him.
I think your characterization in this is utterly brilliant.
Overall, a job well done.
 |
_________________
I, Cheryl |
|
| Back to top |
|
Clo
electronica dance queen
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 13 Jun 2008
Posts: 1081
Reviews: 266
Country: in an Octopus's Garden
1097 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
Olivia, I'm here for you darling! =D
You already have quite a bit of reviews on this, so I'm sorry if I repeat anything. I'll try to be brand spanking new with my review. 
| Quote: |
| Her hair is the colour of Autumn. I never thought this would be possible, as Autumn has so many colours. You kind of have to see it to believe it. Her eyes are an icy blue, yet somehow they make me melt. Lots of things about her are unexplainable. She truly is mysterious. |
These are nice descriptions, but I feel like I'm being deprived of even more darling descriptions that are buried beneath this text. I think you need to expand this first paragraph - more detail of the colors, of the Autumn quality, of the icy eyes. You bring up nice imagery and the swoosh through it - my mind demands more! C:
| Quote: |
| The black top she was also wearing, with the knotted detail on the breastbone, I had seen her wearing the first time we met. It clung to her hips and showed the desirable quality of her bosom, so round and firm |
Word repetition in there - try not to do that. I think you can rephrase this nicely like this: "The black top she wore, with the knotted detail on the breastbone, I had seen her in the first time we met."
| Quote: |
| That was the seventh time we had ever touched. I have started this new notebook so I can show everyone how much I love her. |
The last sentence is dramatic, so I feel it should be in it's own paragraph to enhance that.
| Quote: |
| I was never that good at biology in school so I trust her judgment. If she told me black was white I would sooner doubt my eyesight than think she was lying to me. |
Bold was a typo I fixed.
"I was never that good at biology in school, so I trust her" comma
And I really liked that last sentence.
Overall:
I really did enjoy this. The perspective is very interesting, and you have some real nice sentences in there. I think you need to expand on the idea though - write more to this. Add more sentences, more detail, to make it much more profound. The writings of a mad man... you can do a lot with it. I think you can definitely run through this with your creative mind and pump it up some more.
It's a great start, a great concept. More! =D
Ask for a review anytime, doll!
Love,
Clo |
_________________
Need someone to toss the confetti at the ticker tape parade. |
|
| Back to top |
|
chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This was very different, indeed. Personally, I like it as it is. I don't think you need to add more. There's a certain feeling of detachment if you just leave it, because if you add more you'd be making it into a story, and this doesn't feel like a story. It feel like something written on a whim that's meant to stay that way.
| Quote: |
| stopped in my cell. |
Saying 'in my cell' sounds weird to me. Surely they would meet in a private room? From all the books I've read, they don't usually hold these types of meetings in the cells.
| Quote: |
| The black top she was also wearing, with the knotted detail on the breastbone, I had seen her wearing the first time we met. |
This sentence reads very awkwardly. I'd rephrase it to something more natural.
| Quote: |
| I was never that good at biology in school |
I think this would be better as just 'I was never that good in school'
I really like your narrator's voice. It reminds me of Lennie from Of Mice and Men (Do you know it?) Not especially bright, but a character that's easy to love.
Like I said before, I think this would be better as a stand-alone piece but, hey, that's only my opinion.
Good job! |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
|
| Back to top |
|
chichi
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 62
Reviews: 57
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:41 am Post subject: |
|
|
This is an amazing piece of work! Really, I would love to see this as a novel. I know five people who would read it, and that's just in my (small) circle. I do have an issue with it.
| Quote: |
| You kind of have to see it to believe it. |
What is the job of the writer again? To project imagery. If you had put something like "it is unbelievable", it would have more imagery. However, this does support the fact that he has AIDS. That's another thing that I love about this piece. You have an extremely believable tone. It almost feels as if this is a true story, which is always what a writer aims for.
Corrina as a character seems a bit distant to me. I know she is a criminal psychologist, I know she dresses elegantly, doesn't lie and is a nice person. This is all fine, but I get nothing on her during the meeting. I realise it is from the prisoner's point of view, but there appears to be no emotion on her part. Isn't she a psychologist? Shouldn't she be a caring person? Or at least one with some emotion?
Definitely worth reading/publishing! Gold star for you! |
_________________
Smart signatures are all off Google. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Yatta!
Writer
Age: 17
Joined: 23 Jul 2008
Posts: 77
Reviews: 49
596 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 05, 2008 4:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I was thinking there was something off with the story and now, reading it through for the third time I realize what it is. You shift tenses. The first three paragraphs are reflective and past tense, such as in the phrase "I loved her" in the third paragraph. All of a sudden, the story shifts to the present tense and becomes "I document." That kind of shift, regardless of how mentally ill the man is, he wouldn't talk like this. present and past tense specification is something humans do automatically (even when they learn to talk) so no excuses for doing that, missy! In regards to what's wrong with him, "autism" and "multiple personality disorder" would be pretty easy to detect and their both really different from the other. It seems like this guy (just from what I am reading) is suffering from a type of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (in which he must compulsively document everything things that happens in regards to his psychologist) and/or Post traumatic stress disorder in regards to his killing his father and his attachment to her and the fact that he allows her to lead him around and govern reality for him (he obviously doesn't have a good grasp on things). And in regards to the whole being "crazy" thing, well, his thought processes are logical and his doubts and inspirations are also logical. Like, the reason people are crazy is because there is a flaw in their reasoning (but they do have reasoning). For example, a schizophrenic patient sees a spider. While other would try to brush the spider away or kill it with a show or something, he will assume the only way to rid himself of the spider is to stab it fifteen times. There's reasoning involved, but somehow its blown drastically out of proportion. In regards to your main character, he doesn't have a basis of liking the criminal psychologist. If there was a reason why he liked her and he stated this and then went into his whole bit about this simple fact (which could be that she smiled at him when no one else did) led hm to believe that she was the only one in the world who cared, blah,blah,blah. And the fact that he regrets how he met her is too normal-like. someone who was suffering from a disorder would be happy that he did it because if he hadn't, he would have ever met her (he would never consider the possibility of meeting her outside the circumstance) In essence, you put on that this boy is mentally ill, but he doesn't necessary act like he is. You want to convey his illness in ways other than the fact that the woman says he is. The trust thing was a good start, but you need to re-draft and really change this thing so it's realistic. As for the story itself, it seems promising, I can't really critique you on plot. Nothing really seems too cliche (however, this infatuation idea of the prisoner coming to love a woman who is kind to him has been done before--i.e. the movie "Quills" but whatever, this is your own take on it. ) Umm, yeah this ran a bit too long, I guess I got carried away. I'd suggest reading some books on the diseases your character supposedly has because your characterization is a bit immature. The story, however, is interesting. I hope to read more soon.
Misspelled: diarrhea, judgment, and AIDS (at one point you write "aids" which would be..."helps" which is definitely NOT what AIDS does.)
Yatta!
P.S. Really, fix that shift from past tense to present tense, of all the things I wrote that is the most important, everything else can be tolerated for the most port by your audience (not me, though, I'd like it if you did all three sets of my tips but wacheva)
P.P.S I realize that some of the things I wrote could have been taken as "mean." (at least that's what my hovering friend keep saying). I'm sorry, but that's just how it is. Not knocking your writing or anything, it really does seem like a good story, but with these major flaws, it really is hurt/not so good anymore. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
lhighton
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Apr 2008
Posts: 228
Reviews: 88
Country: England
572 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 6:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
The nit-picks are done, so this'll just be a little review.
I was going to crit merely as a thank-you in return for yours, but when I read it, I thought 'Wow!' I think it's ingenius - you certainly have a way with getting into the mind of your character, becoming him, and I think that must be a fun thing to do.
Do you know what it reminded me of? The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. It's about a boy with Asperger's Syndrome (a tangent of Autism) who decides to find out what happened to his neighbour's murdered dog. The plot-line is in no way similar, but the tone is. It's fresh and original.
Saying that, I think it needs a little tweaking. Did you just write it out and promptly submit? I think it could flow a little better.
That's the head and tail of it. I look forward to seeing this progress!
Lauren x |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
YKD
New Member
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 10 Oct 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Oct 10, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think it was good, but the words you used were... basic, try using more interesting and deep words, to express the characters emotions and settings... You will probably see this as negative, but its not.
im off, ciao |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
olivia1987uk
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 21
Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 257
Reviews: 164
392 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
YKD
New Member
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 10 Oct 2008
Posts: 3
Reviews: 0
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 9:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
| O didnt realize, its good then, not my cup of tea, but still good ^^, keep it up |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
vox nihili
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 118
Reviews: 46
Country: There's no frigate like a book...
556 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
I loved it, and everyone else has gone over the grammar and that kind of thing, so I have one thing to say: he can't have autism. Autism is a disorder that causes obsessions and poor communication. It doesn't easily make a person kill someone, unless there were underlying emotional tensions, which could have been caused by the lack of/inhibition of communication. I'm really curious as to what made him kill his father. That wouldn't be a good reason or even a defense. So find something else to include there-unless you want him to continue and show perseverations (obsessions) and have him exhibit difficulty in communication-which includes speaking to people, and he seems to do that easily-what with telling her he loves her and such, thus, I find the inclusion of that detail to only show a lack of knowledge in the area of psychology. Brush up on it, especially since your next-to-most-important-character is a psychologist. Other than that, it was wonderful. Keep writing!
|
_________________
If you can't write the music's notes, ride them and enjoy the flow, like the flow of a mountain stream, and hang on to the melody, because like breath in the winter air, it's there, and then gone. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
