Topic ID: 36208
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grimy89098
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
356 Points
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 Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:07 am Post subject: Fiction |
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something i wrote at a writers workshop...
please try not to be harsh, it was rushed
The rustle of pen and paper,
Stranger's ideas coming into creation.
This is fiction, this is the one true love they can always rely on.
The joy of creating,
The love and passion given so willingly.
The flowing ideas coming and coming.
The love, fustration, joy and anger,
All expressed for only chosen eyes. |
_________________
"practice makes perfect but no body's perfect so why bother practice?" -Jye Arbon (my friend)
"everybody's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." -people in my class |
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running_with_the_devil
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 13 Sep 2008
Posts: 29
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Country: United States
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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This is amazing for something you say you did quickly. Perhaps it is a bit laconic, but it really expresses a lot.
This really applies to me and I'm sure many other writers/poets.
I like this, I really do.
:] |
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Trina.
Trina.
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TRINA!
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Galerius
Senior Writer
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: Re: Fiction |
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| grimy89098 wrote: |
something i wrote at a writers workshop...
please try not to be harsh, it was rushed |
i'll try although after reading your poem through one time, it wont be easy.
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The rustle of pen and paper,
Stranger's ideas coming into creation. |
rustle of paper is cliched. and pens dont rustle.
what? you copy other peoples ideas? i thought originality was supposed to be key in writing
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| This is fiction, this is the one true love they can always rely on. |
too wordy.
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The joy of creating,
The love and passion given so willingly.
The flowing ideas coming and coming.
The love, fustration, joy and anger, |
okay, back up for a second. first, you say that theres joy in creating and love is given willingly. then you suddenly make some remark about frustration and anger. which is it? if you want to tell the reader that there can be *both* happiness and sadness in poetry, dont include both in one after the other without giving us some foreshadowing.
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| All expressed for only chosen eyes. |
i'm sorry but i found this line incredibly arrogant. chosen eyes, eh? so you only write for the elite, not the common man. or maybe you just put that in because it sounded cool. poetry is supposed to be to enlighten everyone else of something, whether it be a worldy messsage or your own feelings or whatever.
whew, sorry if i was too harsh in my critique, i do understand that you wrote this very quickly. but still, use the suggestions i provided and this will be a relatively good poem. |
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aseka
Junior Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 14
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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OK it was great i loves it
but it was a bit catchy but great next time try to
make it more realistic OK.
there were 1 or 2 mistakes but
i am sure i didn't harm the poem
and next time try to make the poem a bit longer it would
be nice you know
a bit so here goes
This is fiction,
this is the one true love,
they can always rely on.
so that's all i saw as mistakes.
And the poem was fabulous.
i hope you will continue to wright poems
good luck  |
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grimy89098
Writer
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Age: 15
Joined: 05 Jul 2008
Posts: 63
Reviews: 15
Country: Australia
356 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:30 am Post subject: |
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ok galerius,
when i said "All expressed for only chosen eyes." i didnt mean for it to come across as arrogant, i meant that what ppl write they show only to ppl they feel comfortable showing it to. say if i wrote a love poem or a personal story i put alot of time and effort into, i wouldnt go up to some random person i dont know and show them would i?
and when i said "The love, fustration, joy and anger," i meant it, when someone writes something, theres never just one feeling, otherwise ppl wouldn't want to read it cause of the simple reason it tends to be boring. the first time when i said "The joy of creating, The love and passion given so willingly." i meant the passion of writing, not what is actually written.
oh yeh, i know the rustle bit is a bit cliched, but thats just how i write sometimes
oh and thanks to everyone who commented! |
_________________
"practice makes perfect but no body's perfect so why bother practice?" -Jye Arbon (my friend)
"everybody's entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege." -people in my class |
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