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Beginning of a story
Beginning of a story

by savetheoceans in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on September 18, 2008
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Hello, Jack

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Jiggity   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Hello, Jack Reply with quote

So, I've decided to make the one exception to my rule of not posting my stories on YWS, anymore. This is for Kylan's contest and Angel :p

*

Darkness; it lives within. Sometimes I exude it and it surrounds me, no dimensions to be seen, but its tightly confining. Hard to know things in here, boxed in by those pale hands, winding me up, tighter and tighter until I feel I’ll burst and of course I do –

Joyous light, it blinds my eyes; exposing the flaws within and without, those tiny cracks in my skin, that dull sheen in my eyes – it is momentary only.

They are there, waiting, slapping at me with those small, white hands and laughing – Push him down, push him down! Such exuberance for oppression is surely unnatural. The darkness, it is back, comforting the hurt, silencing the pain but I struggle against it – I remember the beach and the crash of waves, the creaking of wood and hoarse voices of sailors, damning and cursing with frightening regularity amidst forced camaraderie.

I lie below, in bits and pieces of fragmented awareness; incomplete. Brothers around me, sweating and pulling and groaning but I can do nothing. The gears are always turning, even then, ever tightening, ever moving and restraining. Those pale hands brought definition and I know now that I am dark – what was I before?

It doesn’t matter, not now, in the darkness of the box as they wind tightly, until every part of me is groaning and ideas, thoughts, and questions escape my clutch. I can feel the need building, a gradual heating up, a yearning I can’t express – I can’t find my name in the darkness, it slips through my fingers as I try to catch it up; it is formless.

It creaks. The gears, the crank, the constant winding up – smothers my breath, but I’m getting tighter and tighter and it no longer matters.

Let me out of the box.

Let me out.


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Last edited by Jiggity on Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:50 am; edited 2 times in total
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Angel of Death   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay!!
Hey Jig!!

This was an exceptional last piece and I loved it. You captured everything about the stream of conciousness thing and you kept going with one feeling.

Quote:
Darkness; it lives within. Sometimes I exude it and it surrounds me, no dimensions to be seen, but its tightly confining. Hard to know things in here, boxed in by those pale hands, winding me up, tighter and tighter until I feel I’ll burst and of course I do –


This was my favorite part and after that it just kept getting better and better. Great work as always. I would say more but I'm school right now. Not even supposed to be here.
Thanks for the read,
-Angel

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PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a bad piece at all...not something I'd usually enjoy reading but I can appreciate how well written it is....

just noticed the odd thing

Quote:
Joyous light, it blinds my eyes; expose the flaws within and without, those tiny cracks in my skin, that dull sheen in my eyes – it is momentary only.


I'd say "exposing" instead of expose....just to make it flow and get the tense right

Haven't noticed anything else but it is, in my opinion, too littered with punctuation, so much so it kind of stunts the way you read it sometimes

If you want to chat about it feel free to PM me

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comments, all.

I wanted to extend and change this a little bit, but I've run out of time in terms of the contest so I'll just have to wait a bit.

Cheers

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This thread was created on September 18, 2008

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