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by staplestoo in Action/Adventure Fiction |
This thread was created on September 18, 2008
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Through The Motions.
Topic ID: 36173
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 979
Reviews: 384
Country: Grasslands.
524 Points
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 Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: Through The Motions. |
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I understand why -
your voice crackles on a dying line
and I wonder where your eyes are;
the sky is coughing grey, is your God crying?
The broken tiles of the ceiling are closer
to my touch than your shoulder ever was,
and a falling plaster casts my knee,
just pale enough to be tough.
The cords lie dead as I sink
- you’re not here. |
_________________
Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer.
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:25 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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October Girl
We're gonna do this October style
Master of the Forum
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Joined: 23 Sep 2006
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Reviews: 178
Country: Where Love is Lost
3 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:12 am Post subject: Re: Through The Motions. |
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[quote="PenguinAttack"]I understand why -
Your voice crackles on a dying line >>>This is akward, but I like it.
and I wonder where your eyes are;>>>Um no offence PA but where would they be?
the sky is coughing grey, is your God crying?
The broken tiles of the ceiling are closer
to my touch than your shoulder ever was,
and a falling plaster casts my knee,
just pale enough to be tough.
The cords lie dead as I sink
- you’re not here.[/quote]>>>Oooh I love the ending!!!
OK sorry PA I just totally distroyed your entire poem lol, I love it, of course I'm not a grammer person or spelling but I crit on quality!!! lol anyways good luck girly and keep writing!
your friend as always
-Max |
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My name is Max
I am a 15 mother of Ben and Bailee...
CAUTION! Broken heart up ahead |
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PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 979
Reviews: 384
Country: Grasslands.
524 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Max. ^^
I really appreciate the review. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
_________________
Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 5370
Reviews: 1324
Country: England
1394 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:50 am Post subject: |
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Hello dear! *Snuggles*
| Quote: |
I understand why -
Your [Why the capital for your? It might be interesting to capitalise your and you throughout to show the importance f this other person to the narrator but otherwise it should be a small letter.] voice crackles on a dying line
and I wonder where your eyes are; [I love this line. A very intriguing way to suggest the person is staring into space =)]
the sky is coughing grey, is your God crying? [Lovely description of the sky and your flow is very smooth.]
The broken tiles of the ceiling are closer
to my touch than your shoulder ever was,
and a falling plaster casts my knee, [I love the double meaning here, you've got a lovely sharp wit dear.]
just pale enough to be tough. [I'm not sure about this line. It feels a little anti-climatic after the lovely preceding lines that seem to be building to some revelation.]
The cords lie dead as I sink [Good play with cord (I'm presuming you meant for the echo of phone cord there) but I'm not sure about sink to be honest, it seems weak.]
- you’re not here. [Lovely ending and now I can see where your dash at the beginning fits in more. Love it.] |
It's a good, short poem dear. I think a few lines could be strengthened but in general, there's some good wit to it and it flows beautifully. Who says my wifey can't write poetry with substance and meaning? You do it better than I do, dear. So now you have no grounds for saying that yours is nothing but pretty images because it's pretty images and good, strong substance too.
Great work. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful xx |
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Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
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| This thread was created on September 18, 2008 |
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