Topic ID: 36162
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.katsuro.
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Joined: 30 Mar 2008
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 Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: A World Apart |
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If you asked me how we got here,
I wouldn't know how to respond.
If you asked me how we got here,
it's not a subject of which I am fond.
I'd tell you that the goblins,
filled with greed and hate.
Escorted us to separate dwellings,
according to fate.
I'd tell you that an earthquake,
one that spread far,
separated the earth in half,
with us each on a different bar.
I'd whisper that the dragons,
roaming and soaring once more,
flew me to the castle in the clouds,
and turned you into naught but folklore.
From here to there,
across the plain,
legend tells us;
"losing is something we can afford to gain."
You are here,
I am there.
The distance is slight,
if you understand where.
The truth of how we got here,
is more than a fact,
the tide drifted us apart,
to a sea of a different pact.
Ours mind fogged by the new sea,
wandered near.
Losing more than sleep,
this is how we got here. |
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Anna Graham
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Joined: 02 Aug 2008
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Country: "The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn no traveller returns"
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:30 am Post subject: |
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Intriguing! I like how it tells a story. It's creative and you've got some great wording so far. I liked the bits about dragons and goblins that are your reasons for being separated.
Here are some things I think would help fix it. They're just my opinions, though, you can totally ignore my ramblings if you'd like.
| Quote: |
If you asked me how we got here,
I wouldn't know how to respond.
If you asked me how we got here,
it's not a subject of which I am fond.
I'd tell you that the goblins,
filled with greed and hate.
Escorted us to separate dwellings,
according to fate.
the rhyming didn't seem to flow as well as I would have liked. In fact, they felt a bit forced. See how the 'fate' doesn't really seem needed? That could just be me, though.
I'd tell you that an earthquake,
one that spread far,
separated the earth in half,
with us each on a different bar.
This didn't really make sense to me. I think I can see what you're getting at, but it seems like you just used bar to rhyme with far. Does that make sense?
I'd whisper that the dragons, Love these two lines
roaming and soaring once more,
flew me to the castle in the clouds,
and turned you into naught but folklore.
From here to there,
across the plain,
legend tells us;
"losing is something we can afford to gain."
You are here,
I am there.
The distance is slight,
if you understand where.
i don't really understand what you mean. It's a bit vague, really. Do you think you can clear that up a little?
The truth of how we got here,
is more than a fact,
the tide drifted us apart,
to a sea of a different pact.
To me, a pact is a promise or an agreement. If this is what you're going for somehow, then great. Otherwise...
Ours mind (Our minds) fogged by the new sea, I like this line
wandered near.
Losing more than sleep,
this is how we got here. |
All in all, I think this is a great poem! You had some creative ideas and the style was well done. Just work a bit on the rhyming and maybe making some of your ideas a bit more clear for us slower people. 
Hope I helped! PM me if you have any questions!
--Anna |
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"I like this place and willingly could waste my time in it" --As You Like It, Act 2 Scene 4 |
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running_with_the_devil
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Joined: 13 Sep 2008
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:00 pm Post subject: |
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Oh wow, this is great.
:]
If I'm not mistaken this is rather...philosophical, no?
I love philosophy. Wondering, why are we here? How did we get here? How long do we have here? This poem is just a lovely answer to all of those questions. :]
Plus I love fantasy type things like this, even if it isn't in a literal sense.
I really liked this.
Post more soon, I would love to read it!!!!
:] |
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aseka
Junior Writer
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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i liked the rhythm but there were
a few mistakes.
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| You are here,I am there. |
| Quote: |
legend tells us:
"losing is something we can afford to gain." |
i hope you will wright more poms just like this
OK
good luck
:wink
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