Topic ID: 36142
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lilchoma
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
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300 Points
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 Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: I Love You, By the Way |
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Autumn baby,
Born to fall (*laugh*)
Wait -
When did you get so tall?
Last I looked
You were quiet
And small
And since when have you loved the mall?
I thought you liked Barbies
And driveways
And chalk
Or since when do you love to talk?
What happened
To the quiet you
The one I knew back then?
The you
At the chubby age of two?
I guess you started growing, then.
Wait - but when?
Surely autumn hasn't passed
That many times so far,
Cause it was only
Just last week
That you rode in a baby seat
In mommy's dark blue car.
But look -
Suddenly here you are
All grown up
Is that makeup?
Since when do you wear lip gloss
And eyeliner and such?
Little bitty sister,
This is just too much.
Autumn baby,
Born to change
Isn't growing up so strange? |
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Maki-Chan
Ganbaru! I will do my best!
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343 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: |
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I loved this. It was so incredible cute. I loved the way the words seemed to flow perfectly together. You are really quite a great poet. I found no mistakes of any kind.
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And since when have you loved the mall?
I thought you liked Barbies
And driveways
And chalk |
I really like that part, chalk (funny ^_^)
I hope to see more of your work and comment. ^_^ Well done. |
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lilchoma
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
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Posts: 49
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:57 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you so much for your encouragment. It really made my day! |
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"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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AWWW!
This is incredibly adorable! I liked your word choice and rhythm... and topic. I, also, found no mistakes of any kind.
| Quote: |
But look -
Suddenly here you are
All grown up
Is that makeup?
Since when do you wear lip gloss
And eyeliner and such?
Little bitty sister,
This is just too much. |
My favorite part!
*still hasn't stopped smiling*
P.S I loved the title as well. I actually wasn't planning on reviewing anything right now, but then I saw your title!  |
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Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. |
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lilchoma
Junior Writer
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Posts: 49
Reviews: 24
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:15 pm Post subject: |
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| Well thank you so much! I'm glad you decided to review something, becuase I love getting feedback (especially when it's positive and encouraging). Thanks! |
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"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice! I rarely read the poetry on here as I tend to stick to my romantic fiction but I think this is lovely! It's made me want a little sister...or a big sister who cares so much. It's very very moving and I'm glad I have read it.
The title drew me to it....Such an emotive statement followed by a throw away comment. The juxtaposition of that was great!
Well done!
I might be tempted to stray over to the poetry side of things more often! |
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Olivia
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KookieKatie
Writer
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191 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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How cute. I love it. It's adorable, really. An older sister commenting on her little sister growing up, no? I always admire poets and writers who can communicate a message indirectly - a rather useful aspect for a poet and writer, especially if you are looking to go into mystery or fiction writing.
A few things that you could improve on...
-If you want to have the narrator laugh, use "haha" or something, using "*laugh*" is a bit IM/text/email-ish, you know? So chatspeak. Also, in a few areas then the rhythm didn't fit, but only by a little. It was hardly noticable.
Overall, a great poem. You have an admirable technique, and a flair for calm emotion. I would really like to see more of your work!!
Keep it up, keep writing!
-KK |
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lilchoma
Junior Writer
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Age: 16
Joined: 17 Sep 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 24
300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 11:22 pm Post subject: |
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KK, thanks for the advice, I'll certainly put those points in the back of mind for my next poem...and olivia, i'm really glad you were drawn by my title, and I thank you for your encouragment.
Thanks guys! |
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"I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree...Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree" |
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silverSUNLIGHTx
Novelist
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Joined: 09 Sep 2008
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Reviews: 13
Country: the land of the free and home of the brave.
496 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 4:48 am Post subject: |
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Ah this was great, I loved it.
But it made me almost cry because I have this like extreme fear of growing up. Well it's not a fear really but when I think of change like that and getting older it makes me really sad.
I don't know I'm weird.
But your poem was very enjoyable, despite the tears. :]
My favorite part was when you said:
Surely autumn hasn't passed
That many times so far,
Cause it was only
Just last week
That you rode in a baby seat
In mommy's dark blue car. |
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xGraceex
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Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:16 pm Post subject: aw! |
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| That was so sweet! It was really like watching your little sister grow up, through your eyes, i felt your emotions so easily from your poem - it was beautifully cute |
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