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Because - Chap. 13
Because - Chap. 13

by KJ in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on September 17, 2008
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Heart Stabbed Blade Ch 1: Her
Heart Stabbed Blade ch. 2 Toji Talks a Lot
Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 1: Her (edit)
Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 3: The First Sin Part 1

Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 2: toji talks a lot (edit)

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 7:32 pm    Post subject: Heart Stabbed Blade Chapter 2: toji talks a lot (edit) Reply with quote

please read chapter 1 before chapter 2: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic35923.html

hello everyone. otaku again. just wanted to fix chapter two so it would look shiny. i am not going to do anymore edits for a while, so be prepared for new stuff. for those of you who read the last version, you will notice that i didnt change as much as i did chapter 1, but still enough that if you dont read this you will be lost later.

progress with chapter 3: 1 page typed

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Chapter 2: Toji Talks a lot

“Here come the lovers” was the first thing Rena and I heard when we walked into the classroom the next morning.

“Come on, Zack, leave them alone,” pleaded Toji.

“Elementary, my dear Toji. Both of them weren’t in school yesterday, left at the same time two days ago, and then they come to school together today. The reason; they…”

I did not want Zack to finish that sentence. “Go flirt with someone, Sherlock.” I said finally, and surprisingly, Zack walked away and did just that.

Toji turned to Rena and me.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he shrugged.

“Not your fault, besides, he’s always like that. If only there was a girl that would teach him a lesson.” I smirked at the thought.

“He goes from one to another so quickly that there isn’t enough time to tell him off.” Rena joked.

Then Hikari walked over.

“Hey, Rena,” she said, “When did you start hanging out with boys?”

Hikari is one of Rena’s friends. I don’t really know anything about her but that.

“I really wouldn’t call it ‘hanging out’,” Rena sighed, “We’re just talking.”

Then Hikari motioned for Rena to follow her then turned around. Rena smiled at me, and I smiled back, then Rena chased after Hikari. Then Toji walked over to me.

“Nice work a few days ago,” he said, almost at a whisper.

“What works?” I asked, confused.

“You know, when that Magi almost took control,” he half-whispered.

“Huh, are you talking about two days ago?” I was surprised, but I took the hint and didn’t yell out my thoughts.

“Yeah, didn’t you see me run past you in the hall?” he looked a bit puzzled.

“I did, but I didn’t know it was you,” I said. Then a thought occurred to me, and I wasn’t too happy at it. “Could you kinda fill me in, because I’m pretty sure we would have all been in deep…” I caught myself before I got too far. Please note that we were still in homeroom.

“Wait, so you have absolutely no idea what happened?” Toji was amazed.

“Nope.”

“So you know nothing?”

“Nope…err, well, it kinda depends on…”

Toji interrupted my to-be rant.

“I guess I better fill you in.” Toji sighed. “After school by the rock good?”

“Yep,” I said, happy that I may finally get some answers. But I still had doubts. I didn’t know what to make of Toji now knowing that he was tied somehow to this mess.

School was very slow and long that day. I was relieved when the bell finally rang. I was about to head out the door when Rena came over to me.

“Want to do something today? I’m free.” She asked.

“Actually, I have something I need to do. But it shouldn’t take long, so I’ll call you after if its okay with you.” I replied.

“Okay, see you later.” You could tell she was a bit disappointed, but a bit more surprised than disappointed; I don’t usually have anything to do after school.

“ ‘Kay, see ya.”

After we parted ways I went to a school vendor machine, bought myself a drink, then headed to the rock.

The rock Toji was talking about is located in the area above the school’s property, called The Rock by the locals. The school rumors say that the name popped up around 25 years ago, when The Rock was just a field and some trees, with, of course, a huge boulder in the center of it. I guess that someone said “I’ll meet you at the rock” and it got misheard as a name for the area, but who knows?

The land itself is owned by an old company that moved to another town and still owns the land. They still have the old, broken-own warehouse at the northwest corner of the property.

In The Rock there are three landmarks: the actual rock, the warehouse, and a clearing on the eastern side. The woods on the area are not dense, but you still can’t see more than two meters in front of you. Many well-traveled paths go from landmark to landmark, as well as to a few little ponds and rivers here in there. It’s one of the best places for privacy around.

When I got through the wood, Toji was already there. “Took you long enough,” he was a bit mad.

“Sorry,” I said.

“Well, anyway, lets get down to business,” he was a bit more serious than usual. “So you have absolutely no clue what’s happening?”

“Nope,” I said, with an innocent grin on my face.

“Okay,” he sighed, “do you want the long version or the short one?”

I thought for a second.

“Long,” I decided. I wanted to make sure I knew what was going on.

“‘Kay then. There is this invisible substance called gii that some humans can manipulate. There are many different types of ‘manipulators’, but the most common are forgers, magies, and cremies. With me so far?”

I nodded. It sounded simple enough, but I couldn’t be more wrong.

“Good. Forgers turn the gii into weapons to use, and since the gii is in the air, their guns have unlimited ammo, swords can repair themselves, etc. They also can absorb the gii to make themselves stronger than normal humans, and can use the gii to heal themselves. The second group, magies, can manipulate the gii to move things and use the gii atoms to “possess” other atoms that are weaker. They are really bad at absorbing gii, though. The last group, cremies change the gii into colored goo, which adds onto the manipulators body. They can also absorb gii like forgers.”

By that time, my jaw was dropped and the look on my face probably made me look like a total idiot. I had some doubts about what he was saying, like any sane person would, and I didn’t like the way he was saying everything, like I should know all this already and that he was forced to tutor me. And that fact that he said all this in one breath kinda amazed me too.

“Oh yeah. I forgot to say that all groups have their abilities etched into their DNA. In other words if a forger can make a sword, that’s all he will be able to make, but he can still make it sharper or make its composition harder. Same with body add-ons for a cremi. And if a magi is good at possessing water, but bad at possessing fire, he’ll likely stay that way, but he could still get better in both areas.”

“But that still doesn’t explain the huge force-field-thingy.” I still didn’t have a correct name for it. I wasn’t sure if he mentioned it; almost everything he was saying was going in one ear and out the other.

“Sorry, I forgot that,” he replied. “You see, there are hundreds of these temples throughout the world. Most of them are hidden underground, or have buildings added on to them, like many of the old churches, so they are hard to find. Right now, there is a rogue clan that is trying to take control of as many temples as possible. There is one below our school. What you saw was what happens when a clan tries to force control of a temple from another clan. Many of the weaker humans within the temples property faint – or even may die – during a shift. I took out that other guy’s partner before he could complete the process.”

“Why did they pick our school’s temple?” I asked, still not getting anything at all.

“Well, my clan is small in number, so if they could take it, it would be very hard for us to get it back.”

“Why is that?” I know it was a stupid question, but only two came last time. Why would it be hard to beat two people? Then again, look who’s talking.

“When a clan gets a hold of a temple, all people without pacts with the clan that owns it, and is in its area are affected. You said you had a headache, right?”

I nodded.

“That’s probably since you are not part of a clan, and our temple was trying to reject the invader. I guess you could say you got some of the shock.”

“If it’s your temple, why wasn’t I affected before?”

“Since this is a school, it’s kinda not a good idea to make it affect everyone, since it may affect some students, like in your case.”

“Oh, okay.” I pretended I understood what he was saying.

“Anyway, both of the guys disappeared, so they may try again,” he warned.

“Ok, thanks for the advice. Talk to you later.”

“ Kay, see ya.”

When I got home I decided to call Rena and invite her over to tell her about the conversation I had with Toji.

When I finally finished talking, and looked up from the table that I was staring at half the time, I found Rena was looking at me like I was crazy, mouth open and everything.

“Okay”, I said, still looking at her, “ you don’t have to give me that look.”

“Are you sure he said it in one breath?” Rena said, staying on the subject, “it could have just been your imagination.”

“Yeah, I’m sure.”

“Wow.”

“I know.”

Then we both cracked up. Neither of us were really good at being serious, especially when it was just the two of us.

“What now?” Rena said when our laughing fit was over.

“What do you mean?” I was wondering what she was referring to.

“Well, lets see. Toji’s crazy, our school is under attack, and you’re some kind of monster. There’s not much to decide upon.”

To anyone else, I would of probably flipped out, but this was Rena I was dealing with. I knew she was just joking around. But still, I hung my head anyway.

“Monster…” I said, in a child’s complaining tone, with my head still hung low.

Rena ignored me, “That reminds me.”

“What does?” I asked.

“Nothing, I just remembered something.”

“Okay, then why did you say something reminded you?”

“It’s a figure of speech.”

“It is?”

“Yes it is. Well, not always…” You could tell she was going to continue, but by then she realized that I was just playing with her.

After a few minutes of silence, I decided that I still wanted to know what she remembered. “Anyway, what did you remember?”

“Well,” Rena started to slowly move her gaze downward, “I was wondering if it happened again.”

“If what happened again?” I asked.

“Umm… the wings and tail…” she looked liked she didn’t like to talk about it, so why was she bringing it up?

“No, it didn’t, but I haven’t tried.” I interrupted. I tried my best to keep my tone casual.

“Oh…” Rena said. She didn’t seem disappointed, nor did she seem like she was relieved. It was just a placeholder, I guess.

“But why don’t I?” I was bored, and it may benefit me in the future. Well, at least that was how I reasoned it. Maybe Rena did hallucinate it. Maybe I was still dreaming. Maybe Toji was crazy after all. But, oh well.

Surprisingly, it didn’t seem that Rena was going to object. The idea also didn’t seem to disturb either.

“Are sure about this?” she asked.

I smiled at the thought of being sure of something, “Sure? Not at all.”

Then I closed my eyes and imaged myself the way Rena described to me. Two seconds later I opened my eyes, and then I tripped and fell of my face. When I looked up, I saw Rena standing above me, looking down.

“Are you ok?” She asked hurriedly.

‘Yeah, I’m fine,” I answered as I stood back up.

“Guess you have to work on that,” she said, trying to hold back a laugh.

“Work on what?” I questioned.

She couldn’t hold it in any longer, and started laughing. Then she pointed behind me.

When I turned around to see what she was laughing at. I found that my tail had appeared, along with wings, which were folded along my back. At first I stared at it, still wondering why Rena was laughing. It took me a few seconds to put two and two together.

I had tripped over my tail. You bet I needed to work on that. Well, at least the pain proved that this wasn’t a dream. Weather it was for the best was a whole other story.

“Now that was embarrassing,” I said sarcastically, smiling a bit.

Rena returned my smile.

“Umm…how do you feel?” she asked, a bit shyly.

“Not bad,” I replied. Actually, I felt great. I unconsciously swished my tail in the air. It was much longer than I thought it would be. Weird. I didn’t think I thought about it at all. I was trying not to.

There was awkward silence for a bit, which I decided to break. “You thirsty?”

“Yeah, just water’s fine,” she replied.

I started to walk over to the refrigerator, but I tripped over my tail, and landed flat on my face, again.

“I’m okay!” I announced. Then I got up.

The rest of that night was spent trying not to trip over my tail again and joking around with Rena.

Late at night, after Rena had left, I walked up the stairs to one of my bathrooms to brush my teeth. When I stepped in and looked at myself in the, mirror, I was surprised to find that I still had my tail and wings out. I had left them out all night! Wait a sec… how do I make them disappear?

But then again, I was sleepy, so I wasn’t able to think straight. I went to bed anyway, without any attempts to put them away.


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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, I'm back ^-^ (Dear God, I'm using anime emotes)

This computer still doesn't translate quotation marks and hyphens, so I'll do the generosity of changing them myself whenever I use them in quotation Smile

Anyway, onto the show!

Quote:
They still have the old, broken-down warehouse at the northwest corner of the property.
Again, you don't make may mistakes, so I'll have to nitpick to get my review in Smile

I read the conversation between Toji and the MC. I didn't really like it. I thought the explanation was kind of unnecessary. Not all of it, mind you, but some it. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with your idea, I just personally don't think now's the best time to inform the reader about the mechanics of magic. I would suggest letting the reader and the MC experience these supernatural phenomona before we get an explanation, that way, we seem to have a reason to care.

Isn't that what happens on Bleach? I've only watched the first twelve episodes, but-you probably know what I'm talking about. You like anime-doesn't he run into a hollow before his mentor explains what they are?

While we know that the people the MC encountered have magical powers, it just suffices to say that they're members of an underground clan with members that share similar abilities, and that these clans of magicians fight eachother.

That's what I would do, anyway.

Oh, one more thing: I found it kind of...amusing the way Toji and the MC just nonchalantly end their meeting after discussing something so series. I would expect some important ending words. Let Toji tell the MC that he should have time to himself to digest this information. Give the reader the impression that Toji understands that, to the normal person, this sounds completely whack. He spoke about it as though he suspected that it would be completely believable to your MC. At least, that's the impression I got.

Back to my reading...

Quote:
Then I closed my eyes and imaged myself the way Rena described to me. Two seconds later I opened my eyes, and then I tripped and fell of my face. When I looked up, I saw Rena standing above me, looking down.

And he assumes his form. Right? I'm kind of disappointed, really. I expected this to take some time of training or cultivation, or triggered only by intense emotion. What happens? Why, he suceeds on his first attempt. To me, that kind of takes away the value of the power. Not all of it, but some. The only mistake he made was he tripped over his tail. The fact that he succeeded in assuming his form in the first place makes this seem rather whimsical. It's just a fluke, not a matter of not having enough self-discipline.

I finished the chapter. I'm just curious, who does he live with? I don't you ever told us that. Does anyonje care for him at all? It doesn't seem like it. His girlfriend (The MC insists they're just friends, but I suspect Rena is going to be his love interest later on in the book) is the one that woke him up.

Another thing I've noticed is the story only seems to proceed when two or more characters are talking with eachother. I suppose this is fine early in the book, but later on I'd like to see some struggling on a more personal level, if you get what I mean.
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 7:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i always use anime emotes ^_^

anyway, great review. i did go a bit overboard with the explanation, didnt i? guess it is kinda like what happened in bleach, but the MC had a much better idea of what was going on. ah, the good old days when bleach was school based ^^.

the second quote came from a older draft when rena did a bigger part of the explaining. my bad.

and the last thing; i was kinda trying to give the impression that the MC doesnt think about things that much. like there is no reason to. later of course, there are going to be some "personal" battles. i even thought of doing something a bit like the "varden" in eragon, but i mostly decided against it.

also, i didnt want it to be a bit "go though this many years of training to..." type of thing. i was going for "its natural to be able to kill humans, but not each other" approach. its not used that much nowadays, y'know?

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PostPosted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 3:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Im sorry for this taking oh so long. I'm about to shoot school off the face of the universe []:<
Anyways, let's see...


Quote:
“Here come the lovers” was the first thing Rena and I heard when we walked into the classroom the next morning.

Not only is this missing the period at the end, but it's not good to start off a chapter or story with a quote.


Quote:
“Come on, Zack, leave them alone,” pleaded Toji.

Again, period at the end of the quote. I'm not going to be correcting this anymore - you should get the point by now.


Quote:
“Elementary, my dear Toji. Both of them weren’t in school yesterday, left at the same time two days ago, and then they come to school together today. The reason; they…”

Reword this, it's confusing.


Quote:
I said finally, and surprisingly, Zack walked away and did just that.

That 'finally' seems unneeded or else it's in the wrong spot. Also, if you're taking out the 'finally' then the coma before 'and' should be removed.


Quote:
Toji turned to Rena and me.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” he shrugged.

Why is there an 'enter' between the two? It should be Toji turned to Rena and me and shrugged, "Sorry 'bout that."


Quote:
“Not your fault, besides, he’s always like that. If only there was a girl that would teach him a lesson.” I smirked at the thought.

Your grammar slides here.


Quote:
Then Hikari walked over.

“Hey, Rena,” she said, “When did you start hanging out with boys?”

Once again - there shouldn't be an enter.


Quote:
Rena smiled at me, and I smiled back, then

Take out that period after 'me'.


Quote:
Please note that we were still in homeroom.

That's unneeded. Have that brought out in the story.


Quote:
But I still had doubts.

Don't start a sentence with a contraction.


Quote:
I announced. Then I got up.

One sentence.

Overall:
Your story is bland. It seems like a script to a play, words and who's speaking. It hardly has description, details, explanation, and it also doesnt give background information all too well. You should be able to describe the people in these stories, tell how they are dressed and what they look like. You should also give detail on what their school or the streets look like. You know? Another thing is those periods. You should learn to read over so you don't have this problem. Your story also confuses me a lot - but that's probably because I'm not really into fantasy all too much. Anyways, just work out the kinks and it'll be fine.

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 10:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thank you. i am doing my homework, you know; reading more books and all that happy crap. the way i write is pretty messed too. i go through drafts and it expands a ton, you can see the difference between just this and the last draft. this is my first piece, you know T_T

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PostPosted: Tue Oct 07, 2008 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! havent spoken to you in a long time sry for taking my time reviewing. you edited it realy well and i felt the novel taking a step up a level. But i agree with Syte that maybe he could only grow wings&tail in stressful situations, or maybe because he's a teenager his power could be flicking on and off because of puberty. anyway i liked the story, i just starting to write another short story, ill post it maybe next week. Pm back when you think ch3 will up. Cya!
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