Topic ID: 36130
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DreamyMoon
Junior Writer
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Country: England
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 Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject: He never... |
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He never looked into her eyes,
He never held her when she cried.
He never grasped her hand real tight,
When they walked alone at night.
He never stopped and look at her,
He never told her that he cared.
He never called her on the phone,
Just 'cos he didn't want her alone.
He never walked with her to her door,
He never tried to see her more.
He never blew off his friends,
After a fight to make amends.
He never told her how he felt,
For him it was all below the belt.
He never answered her last phone call,
So he found her brains across the wall.
Okay so i know it's possibly VERY depressing but still... |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 6:57 pm Post subject: |
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WOw, this is really deep and meaningful. poems that mean something are always good for readers to read.
I love how you list the things he didnt do. It shows that there were lots of them and the reader begins to understand more and more about how the girl in the poem must be feeling.
i have a few points to make that may help you....
1)Firstly, in the second stanza, first line...where you said:'He never stopped and look at her, ' i think u need to change this so it makes sense gramatically. You could possibly have..
''He never stopped to look at her'
or 'He never stopped and looked at her.'
one of those would make more sense 
2) One more quick thing...i dont know if i'm keen on the line that says...
'Just 'cos he didn't want her alone.'
It might just be me though
anyway, great work!
hope i have helped.
Bisquit |
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wewinwelose
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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| wow...it's really good...and scary..very scary...the only thing i didnt think fit well was when you said 'he never answered her last call' you could say 'he never answered her calls' or just plain 'he never answered her call' |
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Tusker93
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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It's almost like a true story. Really nicely written overall and got a true message. Got to me definitely. I really liked the way you wrapped it up, creepy but it could well happen.
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He never told her how he felt,
For him it was all below the belt.
He never answered her last phone call,
So he found her brains across the wall. |
Pretty cool stanza - one problem I had with it though:
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He never grasped her hand real tight,
When they walked alone at night. |
It doesn't sound right :S. Grasped doesn't sound like the right word, it doesn't sound loving - maybe it's just me. Perhaps just held, its simple but effective. Just a suggestion.
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He never called her on the phone,
Just 'cos he didn't want her alone. |
I didn't really understand that, maybe you could explain. It sort of felt like you made a line which had alone for the sake of rhyming. Don't worry I do it myself  , If you could just explain what you meant by that it'd be good .
Good overall though - well done! |
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Broken^Minded^Warrior
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Age: 13
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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Wow... Pretty sweet, scary, and so like this world today... Just one thing, though, asides from what the other people said: in "He never called her on the phone,
Just 'cos he didn't want her alone." Umm... does this kinda hint at him having two or more girlfriends?
Again, it was pretty sweet! |
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DreamyMoon
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments
By the questioned lines never called her one the phone etc
I guess yeah it could cause confusion
By those lines i meant when a person in a relationship phones the other just so they have someone to talk to and dont feel 'alone'
I guess i know what i mean from past relationships.. its a personal thing.
Sorry for the confusion
xxx
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wombat
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:46 am Post subject: |
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This kind of reminds me of my cousin's ex, though she didn't kill herself .
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He never grasped her hand real tight,
When they walked alone at night. |
I think you should maybe change grasped to held, as it sounds a little strange and if you did that I guess you'd have to change real to really but maybe that's just because I'm British.
Loved it though, it was sad and emotional =) |
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