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Carved Bone - Chapter 1 part 1 - Edited
Carved Bone - Chapter 1 part 1 - Edited

by Fellow in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on September 17, 2008
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Not Quite

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aszecsei   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:44 pm    Post subject: Not Quite Reply with quote

"Smile," the TV's bland, monotone female voice told Mr. Maple and his two children, Marilyn and Josh. "Because no matter what your situation is, it can always - always - get better." A jolly, grinning man bounced happily across the smiley face permanently displayed on screens across Sunnyville. "Hellooo, Maple family!" he bubbled at them all. "It's gonna be another bee-you-tiful day today, and I hope you really enjoy it."

"Thanks, Mr. Mayor," the Maples told the TV. Mr. Mayor bounded off-screen, presumably to welcome another happy family to another happy day in Sunnyville. The Maples got up, made sure everybody else was smiling, and went about their morning.

The Maple house, like all other houses in Sunnyville, was painted a bright, cheerful shade of yellow. Smiles abounded, from the eternally happy clock, to the dishwasher that grinned at them as it burbled joyfully during breakfast. A plate of eggs and bacon popped from a box that served as a stove, arranged into a smiley face on a white and yellow plate. A cup of coffee with an inspirational message slid from the coffee pot for Mr. Maple, and a newspaper slid from the middle of the table. The paper was filled with all sorts of wonderful news about how the stocks had gone up that day, how a Good Samaritan had helped his elderly neighbor with her groceries and was now starting a club to help people with grocery shopping, and how the weather was going to be nice and sunny the whole week. Mr. Maple put it in the recycling bin, gave his son a shot from the hypodermic needle marked "HaPpY sHoT!", carried him up to his bedroom, and left to visit his wife.

Mrs. Maple's morning was quite different. Shortly after the marriage had begun falling apart, she had been taken, as the Officers called it, to prevent bad feelings. She resided with the other outcasts in Dismopolis, as the slum a few miles from Sunnyville came to be called. She woke up to her broken TV, which had been destroyed by her trigger-happy neighbor, Rich. A few days after he had broken her TV, he had shot her in the leg (by accident, he told police later; he had "thought she was a burglar") when she was going to put the cat in. She had very nearly bled to death on the slow ride to the hospital, and when the surgeons had attempted to take out the bullet, they forgot both the anesthetic and to take out one of their rusting instruments. She had gotten a tetanus infection and nearly died again. Her leg still hurt when she walked, which amused Rich to no end, but she had been grateful she hadn't died. She had some burnt toast and slightly molding butter for breakfast, washed down with a glass of lukewarm water. She heard her husband drive up. "Hello, dear," he said cheerfully as he walked in, his spotless suit a sharp contrast to the built-up grime on the walls.

"Cut the horseshit, Bill," she said. "Are you going to do it or not?"

"I will," he told her, and then two black cars pulled up, one a police car, the other a hearse. Two Officers rushed in, spun her around, and handcuffed her.

"Are you sure you want to Divorce your wife?" one of the Officers asked.

"Yes," came his ever-cheerful reply. She was led to the police car, and as she was getting in, a gunshot sounded from behind her, and Bill Maple crumpled. She was shoved into the back seat and driven back to Sunnyville and to her children. They would live happy lives, she thought. Just like everyone else lives "happy" lives. She was freed and led inside.

"You will obey all Sunnyville laws," said an Officer.

"I know," she told him. He looked sad, but he was cheerful inside, she reflected. He was like the others, always cheerful.

"Hello, Mamma," said Marilyn.

"Hello, darling," she said as the Officer left. "Come here. Where's your brother?" Marilyn stepped forward, holding out her arms for a hug.

"In his room. Daddy gave him his happy shot and put him in his room."

"Oh, good." Mrs. Maple grasped the needle and injected half of its contents into her daughter.

"Momma!" she cried. "I - I'm not happy..." she looked surprised for a moment, but then the poison took effect and she fell into the carpet. Mrs. Maple could hear sirens wail. She hurridly injected herself and felt the blackness pressing in. She let herself float in its depths before sliding beneath.

*** The following is an article from the Sunnyville Post. ***

Mr. and Mrs. Maple have moved out of Sunnyville for the time being. If you wish to contact them, please send a letter to Mr. Mayor's office and they will pass it on.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What do you think? I tried to say that a utopia is not a utopia because something perfect never is, but I'm not sure if I got it across. Please critique!

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omsvmars22   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was really good. I am reading this kind of thing in school right now.

You start off very well, you get people interested my only thing is that you might want to expand on a few things. It sounds like you take it for granted the we already know everything is very advanced in Sunnyville or expect us to take the leap.
My only other thing is that you make it seem like they have advanced technology and then the mom gets treated all horribly. Is this from where she lives?

Other then that this was really good. I had a great time reading it and you did a good job with your not-so-utopia. You have talent! Happy writing!

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Moriah Leila   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your plot is very interesting and I like how everything is overly perfect in Sunnyville. However there are several areas that I think need a little improvement.

Number 1: Your Character development
You do well with describing Mr. Mayor, but everyone else just has a name. We don't know what anyone looks like. Mrs. Maple walks with a limp which is good characterization but other than that we just know that everyone is supposed to be happy and smiling all the time.

Number 2: Your Setting
You do a good job of describing the differences between Sunnyville and Dismopolis, but I want more. I mean you make it sound like all of the appliances just do all the work, which if this is the case I'd like it to be a little more realistic such as Mr. Maple has to push a button and then the bacon and eggs come out of the stove in a smiley face on the plate. I'd also like more colors, more smells, and more textures.

Also I am a little confused by certain parts of the story. I think you need to expand more and explain what is going on instead of assuming that your readers can "read" your mind. Here is where I got a little lost:

Quote:
"Yes," came his ever-cheerful reply. She was led to the police car, and as she was getting in, a gunshot sounded from behind her, and Bill Maple crumpled. She was shoved into the back seat and driven back to Sunnyville and to her children. They would live happy lives, she thought. Just like everyone else lives "happy" lives.


Okay, so it sounds like Bill Maple gets killed. So why is Mrs. Maple all calm like..Even if he is her ex-husband something as drastic as murder doesnt seem to put people in a happy mood.

Then you write:

Quote:
"You will obey all Sunnyville laws," said an Officer.


And here is what confuses me:

Quote:
Mr. and Mrs. Maple have moved out of Sunnyville for the time being. If you wish to contact them, please send a letter to Mr. Mayor's office and they will pass it on.


Why would they tell her to follow the Sunnyville laws if they have moved out of Sunnyville? That right there confuses me. Oh and one other thing, what is with the Happy shots? You call it poison but it also sounds like some euphoric drug. What exactly is going on with the sirens and everything? The ending felt very rushed and there were too many questions left unanswered.

I think this is a good start but if you elaborate on some of the points I made I think it will flow better and also make for a much more interesting read. Keep it up.
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hershey   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It has the potential to be a great story, but I have some things you might want to consider to change.
It was confusing. I had to go back and reread a lot.
It needs more description. What do the people look like? What do Sunnyville and Dismopolis look like?
It needs to slow down a little. It's just a tad too fast.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 8:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great idea. I quickly realised the general situation and setting, but I think it could use more detail, as could the other characters.

The ending is brillent, it really let the idea of a forced, flawed utopia sink in.

One last thing, I have have no idea what a hypodermic needle is...

But overall, I liked it!
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice story. A little bit weird and a little short but good concept. All about the happy stereotype. If a person does not follow these guildlines they'll get arrested. Interesting. Normally I'm not a big Sci-Fi fan but this one I like. The part explaining how all of the houses are painted a bright,sunny color links into the sunny feel of the story perfectly.
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This thread was created on September 17, 2008

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