| Young Writers Society - Community Forums For Young Writers |
|
This thread was created on September 17, 2008
 |
|
Musings on the less fortunate
Topic ID: 36125
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
CrazyBob
Junior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 23 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 29 Reviews: 11 Country: USA 300 Points
|
Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: Musings on the less fortunate |
|
|
A muttering, dusty figure,
slumped forward on the sidewalk.
Where others quicken pace,
afraid you'll rape them
or ask for money,
I pause a moment
to place my patent-leather briefcase down and
check my Cartier wristwatch.
I look at you with your
manic, oscillating eyes and
toothless mouth leaking crack residue to the
ground below.
Perhaps in some trans-dimensional world
you stand above other men,
a philosopher-God whose
schizophrenic ravings are
recorded as Holy sermon.
Others stammer and tremble,
awed by your vast, unknowable intellect,
which is unjustly vilified in this civilized world.
But most likely not.
I move along,
suddenly fearful that I might be stabbed and robbed. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
wewinwelose
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 09 May 2007 Posts: 84 Reviews: 40
248 Points
|
Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:48 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| it's not bad but it's kinda hard to understand...big words....gah not every one knows what those mean |
_________________ <3 ~Keep it up! ~ <3 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Incandescence
If you've nothing nice to say, come sit with me. Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 3023 Reviews: 901 Country: USA 430 Points
|
Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Bob,
I'm not sure this is poetry. It seems more like a prolonged aphorism than a sustained engagement with metaphor, metonymy, etc. It's a group of descriptions that don't rise above their material ground: there's no revelatory moment when the whole thing turns itself over, no point where deeper inquiry proves rewarding (at least, not to me).
It strikes more as a snapshot of the current American ideo-political stance--"Ah, yes, I 'know' you are not really to be feared - and indeed you might well have the potential to be a truly beautiful soul - but nevertheless...[I don't believe it]."
I'd suggest taking the idea above the level of direct embodiment in an experience, since it simply pronounces the rise of a belief rather than evoking it (and that's the real purpose of poetry, isn't it? to evoke, not to declare or interrogate...).
Take care,
Brad |
_________________ "If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders." -Hal Abelson |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum You can attach files in this forum You can download files in this forum
|
|
| This thread was created on September 17, 2008 |
Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they? - Homer Simpson
|