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andrew.j.m
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 Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: It's Just You and Me...and Her |
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There's me. Ya, pretty useless and pathetic. My hair is a mess, my pants are full of holes, and I spend more nights alone in my room staring at a blank TV screen than I do with you.
Do I even have to get into that with you? You know me better than I know myself.
There's you. The person that, well, let's just say that without you, I'd being filling my lungs with a lot more smoke. I'd be spending more time sitting on the curb on that abandoned street where I almost lost you, bottle in one hand, head in the other. Smoke rising from what's most likely going to be the death of me held between two of my fingers.
Yes, then there's Her. The person who held onto me long before you even knew me well enough to look me in the eye.
I swear I love you. I do, I do. I would apologize to you until my youth is gone and my life at it's end if that was the only way you'd forgive me. If that's the only way you'd give me a chance.
Don't worry about her. Well, ya, I guess I do love her. But not like how I feel about you.
You with your golden-brown hair that flows behind you like some ones always blowing you a kiss; your eyes and how I could stare into them until it turns too dark to see; your face and how I swear every curve is more perfect than anything a renaissance artist could dream of creating.
Her, well. She's in my past now. We did have good times, but not at all like what I see for you and me. That is, if you give me this chance.
Please, give me this chance.
Your voice is so contagious, I swear I can see it rolling off your soft pink lips to float in the air, coaxing every ear to listen.
Don't laugh, but if I could bottle how you smell when you grip onto the back of my shirt when we hug, I swear I'd have a room full of jars with your name on the labels.
The way your mascara runs when you cry, how it turns my sleeve black when I wipe away your tears, let's just say that's my new favorite shirt.
The look you give me when I'm walking with Her.
Hun, that look is enough to kill. I can feel the bottom of my heart fall out and drop into my stomach every time you throw it my way.
I swear I'm trying to quit all my bad habits for you. The bottle, that's already in the past, because I love you.
The cigarettes, Love, I promise you I'm trying. I hate myself more with every drag I take, I hold it in because I don't want to see the smoke come out of my body. I don't want to admit it to myself that I'm letting you down.
Loving you is sweeter than any addiction.
But you can't ask me to give her up. She's a part of my past, and my past is who I am. Please don't make me choose.
I swear I'd apologize to you until the sun fell behind the earth and the clouds hid the moon and spilled all their tears on me. I would.
Because when I'm with you, I swear I've never been happier. |
Last edited by andrew.j.m on Sun Sep 21, 2008 9:10 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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olivia1987uk
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392 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 10:42 am Post subject: |
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| As usual very very nice! You don't need to pretend the PM never happened! You have such insight Andrew, seriously! The title is very intriguing and the colloquial style of the text got me hooked straight away. You're right about it being slightly different from your other stuff, but because you write with such emotion, you can never go wrong!
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Night Mistress
a lover of vampires
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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wow!
such insight to emotions.
i like "you" keep say sorry but in different way and add a little something on the end.
i really like your andrew.
i hope to read another piece soon.
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fun4eva
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195 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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hii!!!
ok, that was awesome....
the emotion was so easily felt..
The words were simple but it meant so much...
I don't think there's any otheer way to describe this than just.....great!!
keep up the good work...
xxx
Fun4eva!
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1dering at stars
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354 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:59 pm Post subject: |
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I hate to just repeat what everyone else has said, but, well.... that was nothing short of amazing. I love the style you write with; short, simple, to the point, and yet beautifully written with some great metaphors. You have a way of making the reader feel as if they were actually in your characters shoes. This is really hard to do (for me at least) but it is so important because it really makes it easy to relate to your work, and feel it, and get something out of it.
Some of your pieces that I've read have actually helped me quite a lot, because I tend to end up in similar situations to the ones you write about.  I don't feel so alone now!
Anyway, I know this really is not very helpful... sorry! I just had to tell you how great your writing is once again. And I look forward to reading much more, and I know its terrible, but you'll probably end up with quite a few more review like this one in the future... but I guess that's also a good thing... maybe.... Oh well, at least you know you're doing well....
My favorite line:
| Quote: |
| I swear I'd apologize to you until the sun fell behind the earth and the clouds hid the moon and spilled all their tears on me. |
I also like the casual tone you used in this, while at the same time being very sincere. And I love the beginning too!
Ok, enough.
*gets dragged out by the collar while still trying to write*
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jasmine12
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 12:38 am Post subject: Re: It's Just You and Me...and Her |
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Uhhh...totally grr and what not. Why, why do you have to write so much better than me. It's just not fair. hehe.
This is totally incoherent but if you can like understand that...then...maybe we talk to much. haha!!
Okay, well first off, some things didnt flow well. for instance:
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| I would apologize to you until my youth is gone and my life at it's end if that was the only way you'd forgive me. |
Maybe I'm just a little slower than the rest of you, but this sentence is kind of long and confusing.
Other than that you have some obvious spelling and grammar issues that you could probably find if you reread.
But on to the things that i liked.
Besides the fact that i could honestly feel the emotions being felt here, you use a lot of awesome metaphors for the feelings and what not.
I love the part about the mascara on the sleeve and the 'favorite shirt'....totally jealous haha kidding
Favorite Quote time!!
| Quote: |
| Don't laugh, but if I could bottle how you smell when you grip onto the back of my shirt when we hug, I swear I'd have a room full of jars with your name on the labels. |
This seriously made me go all 'Awhhh' out loud...nice!!
And of course the ever so obvious:
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| I swear I'd apologize to you until the sun fell behind the earth and the clouds hid the moon and spilled all their tears on me. I would |
.
Who wouldnt love this quote??? It's just toooo perfect!
Sorry if i rambled and didnt make sense and didnt really help you....lots on the mind these days.
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:08 am Post subject: |
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Hello, Andrew.
I decided to look at another one of your pieces since I like your writing so much. So here I am, back again 
All I did was copy/paste your story and all my corrections are in bold.
There's me. Ya, pretty useless and pathetic. [I like the narrative you have going on here. But you have to give us more than just saying that he is pathetic. What makes him pathetic in his eyes?]
There's you. The person that, well, let's just say that without you, I'd be a whole lot more useless and pathetic. [there isn't anything techically wrong with this sentence but I feel like it could use a rewrite. Kind of confusing if you read it out loud.]
Yes, then there's Her. The person who held onto me long before you even knew me well enough to look me in the eye.
I swear I love you. I do, I do. I would apologize to you until my youth is gone and my life is at it's end if that was the only way you'd forgive me. If that's the only way you'd give me a chance.
Don't worry about her. Well, ya, I guess I do love her. But not like how I feel about you.
You with your hair that reminds me of an ocean of calm brown waves, [the ocean of brown waves gives me an odd image of blue-brown hair. I mean, I absolutely love the way you have with words and how unique your descriptions are...but I do think this one is kind of confusing. If you could just clear it up, it would flow a lot better.] your eyes and how I could stare into them until it turns too dark to see, your face and how I swear every curve is more perfect than anything a renaissance artist could dream of drawing.
Her, well. She's in my past now. We did have good times, but now not at all like what I see for you and me. That is, if you give me this chance.
Please, give me this chance.
Your voice is so contagious, I swear I can see it rolling off your soft pink lips to float in the air, coaxing every ear to listen.
Don't laugh, but if I could bottle how you smell when you grip onto the back of my shirt when we hug, I swear I'd have a room full of jars with your name on the labels.
The way your mascara runs when you cry, how it turns my sleeve black when I wipe away your tears, let's just say that's my new favorite shirt. [this is an adorable thought. Loved it  was my favorite para!]
The look you give me when I'm walking with Her, Hun, that look is enough to kill. [I think this sentence should be two different ones. Like so: The look you give me when I am walking with her...Hun, that is enought to kill. That was just my attempt and I know you can do better so just ignore it ]
I swear I'd apologize to you until the sun fell behind the earth and the clouds hid the moon and spilled all their tears on me. I would.
Because when I'm with you, I swear I've never been happier. [ooh, ugly  that means he loves Her when he's with Her...very tricky story. But loved it all the same! ]
I thought you did well with this. It was a short and personal piece. I felt every emotion and I love how you captured such a tough subject for dating couples and their past.
Keep up the good work!
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:34 am Post subject: |
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Not that I didn't love the first version (because, lets be honest, my other review kind of gave that away), but this is a lot better. I love your imagery. You metaphors and similes are what everyone wants to say but can't find the words. Your insight is impeccable and I just can't get over it!
Seriously, love your work so much! Now check your PM!
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Livinginfantasy
Oh Emm Gee
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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O
M
G
!
I love this! The emotion is just drips from this. Ahhh... gorgeous!
You should try making this into a poem format. It seems more poetic.
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ashleylee
I want the friction...
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 11:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Andrew!
I'm back! hehe
Hope my review is as helpful as last time...
Well, here I go!
There's me. Ya, pretty useless and pathetic. My hair is a mess, my pants are full of holes, and I spend more nights alone in my room staring at a blank TV screen than I do with you. [wow, this was SO SO SO much better than before. That line with the TV screen and spending time with her was just perfect! Wonderful Job! You really gave us an insight into your character]
Do I even have to get into that with you? You know me better than I know myself.
There's you. The person that, well, let's just say that without you, I'd being filling my lungs with a lot more smoke. I'd be spending more time sitting on the curb on that abandoned street where I almost lost you, bottle in one hand, head in the other. Smoke rising from what's most likely going to be the death of me between two of my fingers. [again, the image of your MC is SO much clearer now that you added these details. I can't praise you enough for this! I do think that this last sentence about the smoke was worded oddly. Maybe try something like: Smoke rising from what is probably going to be the death of me held between my two fingers. or something like that.]
Yes, then there's Her. The person who held onto me long before you even knew me well enough to look me in the eye.
I swear I love you. I do, I do. I would apologize to you until my youth is gone and my life at it's end if that was the only way you'd forgive me. If that's the only way you'd give me a chance.
Don't worry about her. Well, ya, I guess I do love her. But not like how I feel about you.
You with your golden-brown hair that flows behind you like some ones always blowing you a kiss, your eyes and how I could stare into them until it turns too dark to see, your face and how I swear every curve is more perfect than anything a renaissance artist could dream of drawing. [Okay, this paragraph is another one of my favs but I must tell you that I think that if you semicolons instead of periods, this will definitely work better. Also, some of this is kind of confusing. I think you could still clear this up a bit more, like so: You with you golden-brown hair that flows behind you as if someone is always blowing you a kiss; your eyes and how I could stare into them until it turns too dark to see; your face and how I swear every curve is more perfect than anything a renaissance artist could dream of creating. I know I didn't change it too much because I just love your words too much to ruin them. But if you don't like it, go ahead and experiment with it. I know you have the talent to make this better ]
Her, well. She's in my past now. We did have good times, but not at all like what I see for you and me. That is, if you give me this chance.
Please, give me this chance.
Your voice is so contagious, I swear I can see it rolling off your soft pink lips to float in the air, coaxing every ear to listen.
Don't laugh, but if I could bottle how you smell when you grip onto the back of my shirt when we hug, I swear I'd have a room full of jars with your name on the labels.
The way your mascara runs when you cry, how it turns my sleeve black when I wipe away your tears, let's just say that's my new favorite shirt.
The look you give me when I'm walking with Her.
Hun, that look is enough to kill. I can feel the bottom of my heart fall out and drop into my stomach. [this last sentence seems kind of abrupt. Try to add more to it to make it more smooth like: I can feel the bottom of my heart fall out and drop into my stomach every time you hit me with it. or something like that.]
I swear I'm trying to quit all my bad habits for you. The bottle, that's already in the past, because I love you.
The cigarettes, Love, I promise you I'm trying. I hate myself more with every drag I take, I hold it in because I don't want to see the smoke come out of my body. I don't want to admit it to myself that I'm letting you down.
Loving you is sweeter than any addiction.
But you can't ask me to give her up. She's a part of my past, and my past is who I am. Please don't make me choose.
I swear I'd apologize to you until the sun fell behind the earth and the clouds hid the moon and spilled all their tears on me. I would.
Because when I'm with you, I swear I've never been happier.
Gosh, Andrew, you seriously are talented. Your stories are so simple yet so powerful. You could like make a book out of all your short stoies. I also love how you write them with the unique narrative you have.
Keep on Writing!
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1dering at stars
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354 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there. Sorry It took me so long to reply again....
Anyway.....
This stunned me as much as it did the first time. It was so perfect the first time that I never imagined it could be any better, but wow. You managed it. Actually, you more than managed it. It is now so amazingly perfect i can't put it into words.
I feel bad that I can't really give you a good review.....
I loved this though.
Amazing.
Spectacular.
Fantastic.
Touching.
Magnificent.
Okay my brain is running dry.
Um....
Well, to put it simply, this is quite possibly... no, most definitely one of the best pieces on here.
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dreamintechnicolour
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326 Points
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| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
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| Oh my, I really love this. It's so real and absolutely gorgeous. The whole way through I kept going "awww" out loud, got some funny looks but it was completely worth it. Beautiful work.
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JC
Fin. Word Count: 80,000
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| Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 6:28 am Post subject: |
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If ashley hadn't already pointed everything out, I would have a lot more to say...but she did, so I don't...
I really liked this short little section. It was short, sweet, had conflict, character, and everything. I don't have any complaints on that topic...so...I feel like quite a fool dwelling here like this just to say job well done, but yeah.
One piece of advice I do have, and this can go for anything, from this piece onwards, but to work out something of the awkward wording, lines, phrases, etc. read it out loud. Tell you parents to ignore whatever they may here, shut the door, and belt it out the way you think it should be said. This could help you figure out what areas you need to work on. You've got the words down, now you just need to figure out what order to put them in.
Keep up the good work.
-JC
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oboemagic_1414
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| Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: Re: It's Just You and Me...and Her |
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Very sweet. *insert eyeroll here*  Ummm... Very, Verry vague. May make a nice poem. As for this, it needs a bit of revision or it's headed for the bin. Okay... so make it more obvious what your're talking about. I know everyone's all for the "foreshadowing" but if you make it too remote it isn't going to be a very absorbing story.
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niccy_v
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| Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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Mostly been said but i'll give my two cents
Interesting.
It’s quite, um, emotional. Though I would not consider it a story as such because nothing happens. No setting (other than the beginning), no dialogue, nothing very narrative about it.
You would be better off having it as a letter. It feels that way to me, and you just need to create some wacky address and throw some names on and a departing sentence and bang!
You could describe the narrator, because he obviously feels pretty shabby for letting her down, and you could talk about how a particular cologne or smell reminds him of her, or a particular colour, object etc that reminds him of her.
You’ve developed the sorrow he feels in every line, and it’s a great little thing you’ve written. As a random idea you might make it into a book with their letters back and forth..? It has great potential as something ‘bigger’.
Not many nitpicks. Be careful about ‘some one’ because it’s ‘someone’
I don’t think ‘ya’ should ever be used, personally, ever. Not in writing. Dialogue, sure if the person is a bit of a slacker, as you’ve given me the idea this narrator guy is. In a longer piece it would help develop him as a character. I don’t really see the issue though with using yeah. But it’s up to you to change it or not.
I’m curious as to what inspired you?
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