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This thread was created on September 16, 2008
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Worldcaster - Battlefire

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 2:10 am    Post subject: Worldcaster - Battlefire Reply with quote

------------------------------------------------

Author's Note:

This story is in extreme rough draft. I have four more chapters to post, but decided that each one would benefit from individual review because I think they have major structural problems. I just can't really put my finger on it. If you guys could give me a bit of help I would really appreciate it. Thanks.

------------------------------------------------

Worldcaster

Book 1- Battlefire

Chapter 1- A Cloak of Shadows

If the age of the world is to be measured by the history humans have shared awareness, within it we would be a brief spark on the existence of time, but barely a flicker in the universe. Human lives flare like bright flames in the night to burn hot with fury and then puff out as if they never were there. Civilizations are born and they die, time flows like a river but the world we live in is but a small rural stream compared to the massive watershed of eons.

Because of our nature we tend to forget the past. Soon it becomes buried and forgotten as if it never was. The heroes that defined who we are fade into myth, into a time magic was said to be free and wild. Perhaps it isn’t our history I traveled to, but the future and we are on the threshold of a new chapter in the epic tale of our existence. I don’t even know If I was on earth. All I know is what I saw and my part in its chronicle is a tale worth telling. Because heroes are part of us, whether we want them to be or not, even if their lives burned brief and quick in the tide of the universe and even briefer when compared to our own merest awareness as we learn at birth to craw, then walk then we learn about the world. My story starts shortly after that point on the streets of a city called Lancaster.

The midnight air was humid and sticky, but a relief after a blistering day in the sun. Steam rose from the asphalt of the streets as the brief summer rain that evening was boiled by the heat leftover from the day creating a kind of fog that hid the child as she held onto the shadows like a cloak around her shoulders.

In the distance she could hear the wail of the sirens as the large and strange vehicles arrived at the site of her portal. To any casual observer it looked like crater in the middle of the park, perhaps given a mundane explanation such as a meteorite or an exploded gas line. No one in this world had ever seen magic and because of that would never attribute it anything or to Taniban, or Tani as she liked her few friends to call her back in her home which had been stolen from her in a flame of horror and death.

If she would have known anything about this world she would have looked like what we would call an Elf, or even dressed for the part in a small leather jerkin with colorfully painted clay beads woven into the chest as armor and spelled to ward away deadly magical castings and curses. If she hadn’t been wearing the tattered remains of an arming cap anyone who saw here would have remarked about her curiously shaped ears that had a small point to them.

Tani was tired, her magic exhausted from the worldcasting spell that had flung her to the safety of this strange place. And she was scared. It wouldn’t be long before her pursuers would find out what had happened. She would have to cast herself again to lose pursuit once again, but she was too weak to do so. Terror and panic thudded in her body marching in time with the beats of her pounding heart. She needed a source. She needed someone who had latent ability she could awake. She didn’t care what havoc it would cause all that mattered was the safety of her cargo she carried. If they got it the universe would end.

Shadows piled around her, following her form, as she ran past tall and strangely built structures that glowed in the night brighter than any foxfire lamp or candle, and made her running form seem like a fast moving blot of ink slinking along the corners of their vision as people sat on chairs outside enjoying the relief of night that can only be appreciated after a long hot day that had melted asphalt.

No one paid any mind to her. I didn’t even see her as I ran in my faded army pt shorts and jogging shirt, at least not at first. Even when I did I really didn’t understand what I was seeing. My sweat soaked through and dripped off my weighted training vest I always wore, since I could no longer wear a full combat vest. That had been turned in when I had left the Army a year ago. It had taken a long time before I could run more than two miles again and I took pleasure in my new found power in my legs which only months ago had been wrapped in bandages and a brace.

I was free, from everything but my nightmares. My headlamp lighted my path before me so I wouldn’t trip over the spots in the dirty and broken street, that hadn’t had their street lamp serviced since I was in diapers.

My legs ached but I ignored them, as I had over many long years of military discipline. I ignored the cramp in my side that told me I had drank too much water at my last stop. Stupid, I told myself I deserved that cramp for being foolish. The bright light of my headband bobbed back and forth in front of me and somehow it became a searchlight as I played it over a large desolate desert plain dotted with pathetic attempts at bushes and large boulders. A glint and a flash and I hit the ground in reflex, my I gasped in surprise as skin was stripped from my bare knees, why wasn’t I wearing kneepads? Where was my rifle, I had to return fire and change my position. Did I drop it somewhere?

Bam… I was back to reality as my mind grasped at the fact that I was no longer in Iraq. I was in Lancaster Pennsylvania and I didn’t have a rifle anymore and as far as I wanted I never was going to touch one again. Groaning as I sat up and looked at my knees I noticed what a bloody mess they were. Instinctively I wanted to touch the wounds but I knew not to do that. I needed to wash it out quickly so It wouldn’t scab the grit of the pavement into it. Looking around for a faucet, I remembered that I had been running through a shabby part of town and most of the people in this part of Lancaster kept their gates locked and the lights on to ward off would be burglars.

This city had gone bad since I had remembered it as a child. Somewhere along the way it had turned from a pleasant, if sometimes rowdy neighborhood to a den of gangs and daily shootings. No one bothered me of course. I had taught them better than that in the first week I was back on leave a year ago.

They thought I was a crazy traumatized soldier who carried a large knife on his running vest in the hope I would get to use it someday in self defense instead of dishing out a simple ass stomping as I had on the group that had tried to mug me one night during a limping jog I had had when I still wore my brace and bandages. I’m still not sure if they are wrong.

Why the idiots thought a person jogging would ever carry a wallet I don’t know although upon pondering the situation later I think it may have been more of a territorial dispute than a monetary one. I had probably been lucky that they didn’t have a gun or a knife on them only baseball bats and a long metal pipe. Now I always carried my long K-bar knife on the front of my vest for show and my more well worn and combat proven ranger knife concealed in the small of my back under the training vest.

Yes I admit it, I’m paranoid. Two combat tours will do that to a person. Perhaps that’s how I saw her when so many others had missed that blot of shadow scampering down the street. More accurately I felt her. I knew someone was watching me. Instead of showing it I tried to identify who and where the set of eyes was peering from.

The first thing I did was turn off my light and blink to let my eyesight adjust to the darkness. I knew that the light was helpful but it was potentially lethal if it was a sniper, and it blinded me to see in the far corners of the alleyway and trash covered sidewalks that could be cover for attackers. I didn’t see her at first. But movement out of the corner of my eye is what gave her away. That and the faint rattle of beads on the sticky night breeze.

Any normal person would have run or froze up in terror but my instincts weren’t even the same as other soldiers. Months of pulling detainee duty on my last trip to the sandbox had made me as twitchy as a Doberman and with the same reactions as one. My knife in my hand, I faded into a dark corner my night sight had judged to be empty and I circled around the figure cloaked in darkness following a vine encrusted metal link dog fence trying to determine if it was a threat. She stood slumped against the corner of a building where the meter box was, offering a deep concealing darkness to hide in.

As my eyes adjusted to the gloom I gaped as I realized what I was actually seeing. Around her like a vortex of darkness spun a black cloud that faded with her every gasping breath. Her face was white as a sheet and she looked like she was in pain.

There was a thud as she hit the ground hard and the cloud evaporated as if made of mist.

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Esmé   View This User's Portfolio
consider rephrasing
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Charcoal,


Hello! How are you? I trust that fine (: Anyway, I’ll be your critiquer for now, and as usual with my reviews, first you’ll get a line-by-line one (if I manage to find anything to be nitpicky about), and after that the more generalized comments. Onward, then.


Quote:
If the age of the world is to be measured by the history humans have shared awareness, within it we would be a brief spark on the existence of time, but barely a flicker in the universe.

Okay, I got mixed up. I don’t really get this sentence, but okay - and why is the “but” there? I don’t - I don’t understand.


Quote:
Human lives flare like bright flames in the night to burn hot with fury and then puff out as if they never were there.

Awkward phrasing, very awkward; consider rephrasing.


Quote:
Civilizations are born and they die, time flows like a river but the world we live in is but a small rural stream compared to the massive watershed of eons.

Er… Hmm. Let’s split this sentence into parts, and I’ll give you a detailed account of what I don’t like. Parts are separated by commas, ok? Part no 1 - “civilizations are born and they die” - awkward phrasing. “and die?” I don’t really know, other than what was said. Next. “time (…) a river” - cliché. Really. And the rest just sounds awkward, grammatically. Meaning-wise, too, at least to me.


Quote:
The heroes that defined who we are fade into myth, into a time magic was said to be free and wild.

? (Second part, after comma). Consider rephrasing for clarity,


Quote:
Perhaps it isn’t our history I traveled to, but the future and we are on the threshold of a new chapter in the epic tale of our existence.

Awkward, consider rephrasing - part after “and”. See, the times don’t match. I don’t know what they are, and why they do, but they clash.


Quote:
I don’t even know If I was on earth.

Capitalize, I think. As in planet, world?


Quote:
Because heroes are part of us, whether we want them to be or not, even if their lives burned brief and quick in the tide of the universe and even briefer when compared to our own merest awareness as we learn at birth to craw, then walk then we learn about the world.

Look at the last part of this uber-long sentence. I skimmed it, and I saw that. And that didn’t make sense. Now, even if it did, I’d tell you to split. Perhaps even when read out loud it does, somehow, but grammatically (pseudo-Esme-gramatically) it doesn’t. Split, clear, clean.


Quote:
Steam rose from the asphalt of the streets as the brief summer rain that evening was boiled by the heat leftover from the day creating a kind of fog that hid the child as she held onto the shadows like a cloak around her shoulders.

Such a long sentence and no comma. Such a looooong sentence that drags and drags and drags. Consider splitting? “was” - “was being”? (Though perhaps it’d change if the sentence itself was altered).


Quote:
No one in this world had ever seen magic and because of that would never attribute it anything or to Taniban, or Tani as she liked her few friends to call her back in her home which had been stolen from her in a flame of horror and death.

Stolen from her in a flame of horror and death - oh, the gore. Oh, the horror! Not. Also, sentence drags, consider splitting? “attribute it anything”?


Quote:
If she would have known anything about this world she would have looked like what we would call an Elf, or even dressed for the part in a small leather jerkin with colorfully painted clay beads woven into the chest as armor and spelled to ward away deadly magical castings and curses. I

Hmm. But what does her (heeer) knowledge about the world have anything to do with it? “If she would have” - “if she had”. But I don’t see the point of that.


Quote:
If she hadn’t been wearing the tattered remains of an arming cap anyone who saw here would have remarked about her curiously shaped ears that had a small point to them.

Comma before “anyone”. Cut from after “ears” - sentence drags. A separate sentence? Put that somewhere else? Or add that somehow, but differently?


Quote:
She would have to cast herself again to lose pursuit once again, but she was too weak to do so.

Consider cutting one “again”. Also, times. “but she would be”? I don’t know, weird time in this sentence. Consider rephrasing?


Quote:
She needed someone who had latent ability she could awake.

Use of “latent” correct? (I don’t know, I’m not sure, just a warning without any formal grounds xD)


Quote:
She didn’t care what havoc it would cause all that mattered was the safety of her cargo she carried.

Punctuation sign needed. Semicolon?


Quote:
If they got it the universe would end.

Comma.


Quote:
Shadows piled around her, following her form, as she ran past tall and strangely built structures that glowed in the night brighter than any foxfire lamp or candle, and made her running form seem like a fast moving blot of ink slinking along the corners of their vision as people sat on chairs outside enjoying the relief of night that can only be appreciated after a long hot day that had melted asphalt.

Woah. Split. Split. Split! No comma before “as”, and be careful when you split. Don’t consider, just split.


Quote:
and I took pleasure in my new found power in my legs which only months ago had been wrapped in bandages and a brace.

First “my” - “the”. Comma before “which”.


Quote:
My headlamp lighted my path before me so I wouldn’t trip over the spots in the dirty and broken street, that hadn’t had their street lamp serviced since I was in diapers.

Part before comma - fine. But after? “that”?


Quote:
Stupid, I told myself I deserved that cramp for being foolish.

Play around with the comma.


Quote:
A glint and a flash and I hit the ground in reflex, my I gasped in surprise as skin was stripped from my bare knees, why wasn’t I wearing kneepads?

“my I”?


Quote:
Groaning as I sat up and looked at my knees I noticed what a bloody mess they were.

Comma/


Quote:
I needed to wash it out quickly so It wouldn’t scab the grit of the pavement into it.

?


Quote:
Looking around for a faucet, I remembered that I had been running through a shabby part of town and most of the people in this part of Lancaster kept their gates locked and the lights on to ward off would be burglars.
Would be - would-be. I don’t know if I like the phrase, though. Also, split - consider splitting. Where the “and” is. The sentence just drags as it is.
[b]

Quote:
No one bothered me of course.

Comma.


Quote:
They thought I was a crazy traumatized soldier who carried a large knife on his running vest in the hope I would get to use it someday in self defense instead of dishing out a simple ass stomping as I had on the group that had tried to mug me one night during a limping jog I had had when I still wore my brace and bandages.

Lesser “woah”, but still - woah. “in the hope that HE” - third person here. I got lost later. Split? Clear?


Quote:
Why the idiots thought a person jogging would ever carry a wallet I don’t know although upon pondering the situation later I think it may have been more of a territorial dispute than a monetary one.

Punctuation.


Quote:
I had probably been lucky that they didn’t have a gun or a knife on them only baseball bats and a long metal pipe.

Awkward phrasing.


Quote:
Now I always carried my long K-bar knife on the front of my vest for show and my more well worn and combat proven ranger knife concealed in the small of my back under the training vest.

“more well worn”?


Quote:
Yes I admit it, I’m paranoid.

Comma after first word also.


Quote:
More accurately I felt her.

Comma.


Quote:
Instead of showing it I tried to identify who and where the set of eyes was peering from.

“was peering at me from” - and then a comma somewhere before.


Quote:
I knew that the light was helpful but it was potentially lethal if it was a sniper, and it blinded me to see in the far corners of the alleyway and trash covered sidewalks that could be cover for attackers

:blinded me to see” - awkward.


Quote:
Any normal person would have run or froze up in terror but my instincts weren’t even the same as other soldiers.

“as those of other soldiers” - comma before “but”.


Quote:
Months of pulling detainee duty on my last trip to the sandbox had made me as twitchy as a Doberman and with the same reactions as one.

Cut the tail after “and”. Consider adding that somewhere else, if you need to, but not there.


Quote:
My knife in my hand, I faded into a dark corner my night sight had judged to be empty and I circled around the figure cloaked in darkness following a vine encrusted metal link dog fence trying to determine if it was a threat. S

Commas. Also, cut first pronoun.


Quote:
. She stood slumped against the corner of a building where the meter box was, offering a deep concealing darkness to hide in.

She’s not the one offering.


Quote:
As my eyes adjusted to the gloom I gaped as I realized what I was actually seeing

As, as, as, as.


***

Well, that’s that. On to comments.


To tell you the truth, the beginning bored me. It actually almost put me off. I don’t know, maybe it depends on the reader - but, from this subjective reader’s POV? I was bored, and tempted to just skim down.

To me, that didn’t mean anything. Didn’t make me philosophical, or anything, just very much bored me. And the end of the philosophies: What point? What point?!

No, I didn’t like that part.

As for the story itself - this is an interesting beginning (apart from the beginning, beginning). I found this a very cool intro. It was well written, the story line looks promising, and I do want to know what’ll happen next.

Back to beginnings - what I didn’t particularly like was, a the start, the transfer from “I” to “she”. At first I thought this was a mistake - but then it turned out I was wrong. Smoothen the transfer? Don’t entirely forget about the “I”.

From a purely grammar/punctuation point of view: watch out for those. Watch out also for the extra long sentence that seemingly don’t make sense, even if they do. Me, I usually write hundreds of them. It pains to split, but one does have to do it.

Oh, and the MC’s thoughts - usually those are in italic. Sometimes they’re not, but they always somehow stand out fom the rest of the text. That is what your MC’s thoughts need - thoughts separated from their tags.

It may sound like I’m being very, very harsh, but I’m not - your writing is interesting, vivid, good. I liked this piece. I’d like to see it be better (:

Also, sometimes I just wrote: “punctuation”, or “awkward phrasing” and didn’t elaborate. If you have any questions concerning those, or any others, PM me?


Cheers,
Esme


P.S., Ah, and welcome to YWS!

_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad for a rough at all! I just did a quick read through, so I'm going to tell you my first impressions. I may come back for a more indepth critique later.

You've got a very nice voice, and you've established your characters well. I know from reading your introduction in the welcome forum that you write about the MC from your own experience.

There were two main things that stuck out to me though, as I read. The first is POV. You start at a 3rd omniscient, move into a close third, and then zoom in to the MC with a first. You really need to pick one and stick with it. Since I assume that the bulk of the story will be in the First person (Was your protagonist named? I didn't quite catch it if he was) you should tell the story the way he would tell it. If you put in details about another character that he wouldn't be able to know, then it's extremely jarring. You can try prefacing it with things like: "I couldn't know what happened next, but..." as is done in the Thirteenth Tale at some points.

The second thing I'm going to pick on you about is your sentences. You've got a couple of runons. Not in the grammatical sense, but in the continuity sense. This one, for instance:

Quote:
No one in this world had ever seen magic and because of that would never attribute it anything or to Taniban, or Tani as she liked her few friends to call her back in her home which had been stolen from her in a flame of horror and death.


Nothing technically wrong with it, but the sense is split between two things: The fact that magic is not a part of this world, and Tani's name and past. They don't really have anything to do with each other the way this is written. There are several other sentences that are similar, that need to be broken up into smaller bits, or rearranged.

Other than that, it's a great start. I look forward to reading more of your work soon.

~Annie
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, I want to thank you both for your reviews, I was shocked by the incredible depth of Esmé's sentence by sentence. It was what this story probably needed, and I think the changes I'll work on will definitely fix all the structure problems with it.

Esmé your not the first person who was confuzzled by the intro to the chapter, It does need major structure change, so I guess we can work with that before I put up the next chapter. I'll see If I can rewrite it a sec:

Take in mind, I wrote that intro under a bit of a muse, so I'm not sure if I can even get the revision to make sense. I've re-written it twice already and can't seem to find a statement that fits quite well. In the end I suspect that I'll end up striking it from the draft and writing a completely new intro or construct the first few paragraphs into one. It will be a challenge to fix that and keep the flow up properly.

Original Version: (for reference)

If the age of the world is to be measured by the history humans have shared awareness, within it we would be a brief spark on the existence of time, but barely a flicker in the universe. Human lives flare like bright flames in the night to burn hot with fury and then puff out as if they never were there. Civilizations are born and they die, time flows like a river but the world we live in is but a small rural stream compared to the massive watershed of eons.

Because of our nature we tend to forget the past. Soon it becomes buried and forgotten as if it never was. The heroes that defined who we are fade into myth, into a time magic was said to be free and wild. Perhaps it isn’t our history I traveled to, but the future and we are on the threshold of a new chapter in the epic tale of our existence. I don’t even know If I was on earth. All I know is what I saw and my part in its chronicle is a tale worth telling. Because heroes are part of us, whether we want them to be or not, even if their lives burned brief and quick in the tide of the universe and even briefer when compared to our own merest awareness as we learn at birth to craw, then walk then we learn about the world. My story starts shortly after that point on the streets of a city called Lancaster.

Proposed Changes

-----------------------------------------------------------
If the age of the world is to be measured in the sense humans measure time by comparison to their own existence than within the vast sea that is the universe we would be but barely a flicker. Those insignificant sparks that are human lives flare like bright flames in the night to burn hot with fury an passion then they are extinguished. When the smoke from their passing clears it’s as if they were never there. Such the same way it is with whole Civilizations, they are born and they die with the tide of eons.

As a species, we humans tend to have a bit of amnesia. Our lives are so short barely the next generation is born than the last forgets its past and often it fails to pass its knowledge to the future generations. However some things survive to tell us who we are and we look back in fascinated wonder of the things forgotten. Some things have a way of always surviving, and those are often the tales of virtues we humans tend to value. The attributes being courage, valor and often the selfless sacrifice that is attributed to being the qualities of a true hero. There are however darker tales, the kind mothers tell their children to scare them and warn them.
It is unfortunate we have forgotten most of those.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I needed to fix it up a bit to get it to put a foundation for the rest of to book, or rather where I plan to take it. I know some of those sentences need a bit of editing, I typically have a problem with commas in general and it often leads to quite a bit of confusion. I'll combine that new intro with the second paragraph of the old one a bit to give it the location perspective back don't worry. I don’t have a lot of time to work on stuff Mon-Thurs but I’ll have all day tomorrow to go over the chapter and fix the rest of the structure. If you guys want I can post the second chapter today however. I
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't think the problem with the beginning is in the prose itself. Both versions are very well written. However, it's a bit lofty to start off with philosophical musings on the memories of human beings, even if it will have an impact on the progressing story. Requiring a reader to start her journey with a philosophical question may be asking to much. If you must include it, I would consider placing it as a prologue - that way the reader has the option of reading it if she wishes, and skipping it if she doesn't.

just my $0.02.

~Annie
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