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This thread was created on September 16, 2008
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My crazy poetry
Topic ID: 36096
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nightmask
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: My crazy poetry |
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dreamers of the dead world come forth to meet me die along my path come forth come forth come to kill me battle each other with stories and tears come my dreamers come and live threw all of these years deset me hate me kill me join me and in death i will release you no one can say you were warened and if I am dreaming do wake me up and if i am awake bring me to the endless dream land of death come none and all push me and watch me fall come forth come forth and steal my key open my heart to my secrets of life and death come now my children do not be shy come with guilt on your eyes and innocence in your faces come with swords guns and spears and surrender to your nightmares and look in my magic mirror and see your selves for what you really are MONSTERS AN DREAMERS REAPERS AND FIENDS that is what you really are and you can not ever change it, it is your fault don't blame it on me blame it on the wind because on the wind fiery words are carried and are changed to wrong doings you are what you are DEAL WITH IT and take the good with the bad. and watch me fall again |
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watch me as I float away leaving my lifeless body behind leave my wounded heart unmeneded just as you intended leave my timeless love alone you ripped out my heart and stole it but I just cried and smiled "you can keep it" I'll never love again. |
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Searria H.
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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If you didn't want us to correct your grammar or the poem, why did you post it? 
It would have been nice if you separated this into lines. It was sort of hard to read a one-line poem that went on forever. I'm looking your poem at the bottom of my screen and it's a whole paragraph!! Pleeeeeaaaase separate it.
The poem didn't really make a lot of sense to me. Punctuation and grammar would have really helped.
Let me know when/if you edit it, and I might be able to give you a better review.
-Sea- |
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As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark." |
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mtempleton
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Aug 2008
Posts: 48
Reviews: 25
Country: Scotland
322 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 10:23 am Post subject: |
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I agree it needs lines, but at the same time keep rebelling against the laws of grammar! And well done for resisting the temptation to make it rhyme.
It has a really emotinal feel because its just an outpouring. A disturbing outpouring but an outrpouring none the less. The block capitals keep bringing your attention back to it and really heighten a sense of desperation - is that what you were going for?? This might make a good song. Try putting it to music some time. |
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those who trust in the Lord for strength will find their strength renewed
they will rise on wings like eagles
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xGraceex
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Posts: 238
Reviews: 76
Country: rainy old england
320 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 2:57 pm Post subject: :P |
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Wow if you tried to say all of that outloud you would run out of breath and pass out! lol it was great, you must feel a lot of emotions to write something like this, it was so confusing and brilliant i just loved it. the last line was amazing too, perfect, gave the reader time to get their breath back awith the full stop.
loved it - write more! 
ps. i hate spelling and grammer too, im always like "comment on what i have written not if i have forgot to make all my ""i""s into capitals!" lol |
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Kaylyn
Southern Girl
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 Aug 2008
Posts: 762
Reviews: 166
Country: Forests of Raiyne
420 Points
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| Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:07 pm Post subject: |
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Break this up, if you don't want it critiqued then why'd ya post it?
Put it in lines. Fix the grammar.
Sorry I couldn't resist. |
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That was my last piece. 
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| This thread was created on September 16, 2008 |
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