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BrokenSoul
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 Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: The murderous suicide |
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The butterflies fly around her
As she sits in pure silence
She pulls out her daddy's knife
To slit her wrists
As the butterflies faid away
There's a knock at her door
She hides the knife in her mind
As she stands up to face the world
It's a horrible thing to think about
But to her it made perfect sense
She thought about it more than once
As she wondered what life brought next
She was so certain there wasn't a God
There was no way to restore her faith
It was impossble
She came home the next day
Hoping not to be seen
But she knew that wasn't going to happen
So she braced herself for the beating
But as she slowly opened the door
There was no noise inside
So she decided to go find the real "Daddy's Knife"
It was in the perfect hiding place
In her momma's room under the floor paneling
She snatched it up and ran to her room
To find paper and pen
To write down everything including a suicide note
As she read over it to paste it to the door
She started to cry
Because there was one thing that she realized
She's already dead
She was murdered long ago
All the rest of her
Is in this suicide note
She picked up the knife
And grabbed some clothes
Grabbed some important things
And headed out the window
She remebered what she was leaving
And who she was leaving it with
Then she thought "It's not like i was alive anyway.
This note is good enough."
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 6:53 pm Post subject: |
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Disturbing.. good but it gives me the creeps.
UGH.
SUICIDE.... that seemes like a quite used topic now. I have seen about five of them within one month.....
Good anywayz. I don't really have anything to point out. I'll review it better tommorow.
*****************************************************************************************
LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE  WITH HIS BODYGUARD 
BEFARE 
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grimy89098
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:22 am Post subject: |
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cool, love the creepy vibe
though really disturbing.... 0_o
cool pic btw
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olivia1987uk
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: |
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See, I have read a lot about suicide lately, but this definitely has the edge on everything else in my humble opinion...
I did notice one little spelling mistake though...let me find it....
aha
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As the butterflies faid away
There's a knock at her door
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should be *fade*
The whole poem was a twist and a slant on normal behaviour and normal viewing of such a heightened topic. I really like it...well done!
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StolenHearts.
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| Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 3:45 am Post subject: |
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Same as the person above you did misspell fade but, other then that I really liked it.
The vibe was perfect and it really reached out to me, and yes it seems suicide is an overused topic.
But, a lot of them are interesting. 
--Mackenzie L.
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 11:58 am Post subject: |
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| It sounds almost like a suicide note, creepy but good, like a small child talking about something that it is too young to talk about, but it must, if you know what i mean. It was very strange, briliant, ill remember it for a long time, its the kind of poems (i dont read that many poems lol) that will stay in your mind
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Gadi.
that was good ... for your age
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| Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't like this poem.
There's a reason, too.
You need to show. Not tell. And honestly, I could not find one place in the whole poem where you showed us and not told us.
Line by line, I will show you:
The butterflies fly around her
Why is it butterflies? That's so cliche. What are you trying to say by butterflies? Is it just to stylize the poem, to make it more emotional or interesting? Because butterflies are way too overused by today's aspiring poets.
As she sits in pure silence
Can you please show me? "pure silence" isn't enough for me to see it in my mind. What do you mean she sits? Where does she sit?
She pulls out her daddy's knife
She yanks out is better. And not "her daddy's knife" please. It's called show, not tell.
To slit her wrists
I think that by the title and by the way this is going, you really shouldn't tell us this. Well, you shouldn't tell us this anyway.
As the butterflies faid away
First off, it's FADE. Second off, no butterflies. And why fade away? Are they a Powerpoint presentation? Ebb away? Wing away?
There's a knock at her door
"On the door" would suffice.
She hides the knife in her mind
Why? What does that have to do with the knock? I don't get this. It doesn't move the poem along at all.
As she stands up to face the world
CLICHE. Too many people are standing up to face the world these days.
I'm not going to continue, but I hope you sorta understood what the problems are with this poem. I really didn't like, but that doesn't mean you can't make it better. Work on this one; change every single line and add a simile/metaphore/image to every single line. Add a little one-by-one. Write suicide on a sheet of paper and write everything that comes down to your mind. In your case, it's "slit wrists" and "murder" and "Daddy's knife." Now, you erase all of that and substitute every single one of these things with something fresh and interesting.
PM me when revised!
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fallsforyoueasily
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| Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
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depressing and creepy, but really good.
though butterflies FADE; and where did they come from?
more details; dont stray from the subjest
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CrisCaraway
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:32 pm Post subject: |
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Whoa,
This poem is seriously creepy. There's something scarily realistic about it too. You made a few spelling mistakes. I've read alot of suicide poems but this is more realistic, somehow different.
Well done, keep writing.
C.C                       
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Kiss of life
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| Posted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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this poem is creepy but, like the user above said, it has something realistic about it!
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fallsforyoueasily Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:56 am Post subject:
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depressing and creepy, but really good.
though butterflies FADE; and where did they come from?
more details; dont stray from the subjest
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I think that the butterflies were in her imagination because of them fading away. It makes since.
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Gadi. Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject:
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I didn't like this poem.
There's a reason, too.
You need to show. Not tell. And honestly, I could not find one place in the whole poem where you showed us and not told us.
Line by line, I will show you:
The butterflies fly around her
Why is it butterflies? That's so cliche. What are you trying to say by butterflies? Is it just to stylize the poem, to make it more emotional or interesting? Because butterflies are way too overused by today's aspiring poets.
As she sits in pure silence
Can you please show me? "pure silence" isn't enough for me to see it in my mind. What do you mean she sits? Where does she sit?
She pulls out her daddy's knife
She yanks out is better. And not "her daddy's knife" please. It's called show, not tell.
To slit her wrists
I think that by the title and by the way this is going, you really shouldn't tell us this. Well, you shouldn't tell us this anyway.
As the butterflies faid away
First off, it's FADE. Second off, no butterflies. And why fade away? Are they a Powerpoint presentation? Ebb away? Wing away?
There's a knock at her door
"On the door" would suffice.
She hides the knife in her mind
Why? What does that have to do with the knock? I don't get this. It doesn't move the poem along at all.
As she stands up to face the world
CLICHE. Too many people are standing up to face the world these days.
I'm not going to continue, but I hope you sorta understood what the problems are with this poem. I really didn't like, but that doesn't mean you can't make it better. Work on this one; change every single line and add a simile/metaphore/image to every single line. Add a little one-by-one. Write suicide on a sheet of paper and write everything that comes down to your mind. In your case, it's "slit wrists" and "murder" and "Daddy's knife." Now, you erase all of that and substitute every single one of these things with something fresh and interesting.
PM me when revised!
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Okay I honestly don't get you. This poem had mistakes and flaws, but it was still good. I think the only reason that you don't like it is because it actually is realistic and can happen. Not trying to be mean but i think that is why you don't like it. Brokensoul, this was very good! Keep working!
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