Topic ID: 36076
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nightmask
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: broken heart |
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I gave you my heart and you broke it,
millions of shattered pieces with dying blood,
Then you threw it back at me but all I said was
"keep it were done." |
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Searria H.
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: |
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First of all, you need to do two reviews before you post anything of your own, then keep a 2 to 1 ratio. The more reviews you do, the more people are going to want to critique your stuff.
Okay. Now to your poem.
It was a little short, and I would have liked you to elaborate more. It just seemed like a little piece of a longer poem. The imagry in it was good, though.
| Quote: |
Then you threw it back at me but all I said was
"keep it were done." |
You ignored punctuation in these last two lines. It should be:
Then you threw it back at me, ut all I said was
"Keep it. We're done."
Just add on a little, and I think that you have a good poem.
Let me know if you post anything new.
-Sea- |
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As Jaquie's Teacher's deaf realatives said, "I can't hear you when it's dark." |
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nightmask
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: thanks for the review |
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| i have another work i don't think you saw it |
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watch me as I float away leaving my lifeless body behind leave my wounded heart unmeneded just as you intended leave my timeless love alone you ripped out my heart and stole it but I just cried and smiled "you can keep it" I'll never love again. |
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CrisCaraway
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 20 Sep 2008
Posts: 155
Reviews: 15
Country: under a rock in Tanzania
684 Points
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| Posted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey,
I'm not so sure about the grammar but I really liked the poem. The ending was very clever, Surprising.
Well done, Keep writing.
C.C |
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ladydark
First Person in the Sanity Ward
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Dec 2005
Posts: 320
Reviews: 80
Country: Safe and Sound in my little cell...
200 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
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aye. you need to fix the grammar in this. you need a comma after me in the last line.
"Then you threw it back at me, but all I said was"
Also, Then shouldn't be capitalized unless you put a period after blood. If you do put a period, it's not a good idea to start a new sentence with Then. Uh..
We're not were, were is like.. we were able to, we're is we are able to. there should also be a comma, because it feels like a pause to me.
"keep it, we're done"
other than that it was a well written, but short, poem. its got a nice tone to it, I've not quite heard a heart break poem like this, but then again I don't usually read poems  sorry if it seems a bit harsh. |
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"By the pricking of my thumb/Something wicked this way comes." MacBeth |
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