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This thread was created on September 15, 2008
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Artist on strings
Topic ID: 36074
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nightmask
Novice
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Sep 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 2
300 Points
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 Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: Artist on strings |
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You call me an artist
BUT WHAT IF I LIKE TO WRITE?
you call me a karate kid
BUT WHAT IF I PASS UP A FIGHT?
AM I ONLY A PUPPET TO FUFILL YOUR ENJOYMENT?
am I only an artist on strings
encourage me, build me up then you clip my wings?
Tell me Tell me I implore! who is the real puppeteer in this game of war? |
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Krupp
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 18 Mar 2008
Posts: 380
Reviews: 97
Country: Sunn O))) territory...
474 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:12 am Post subject: |
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It was pretty funny...
I wouldn't do the whole capital letter thing you were doing though. If you wanna do something that'll stick out next time, it'd be better to italicise it, I believe.
It's just easier on the eyes.
Otherwise this was fine. |
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Searria H.
Senior Writer
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Age: 13
Joined: 03 Feb 2006
Posts: 139
Reviews: 97
608 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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Interesting poem. I found it rather funny, but also a tad bit sad.
I get on to people a lot for this, but you don't have a stable rhyming pattern. Lines 2 and 4 rhyme, so that is what I was expecting for the rest of the poem, but you changed it. Then lines 6 and 7 rhymed. Do you see what I mean?
I think you should have split up the last line, since it's two sentences.
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| Tell me Tell me I implore! |
Comma between the two "tell me"s, and if you want to emphasize the second "tell me" I would italicise it instead of capitalizing.
All in all, nice poem.
Tell me if you post anything new.
-Sea- |
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The Cheshire Cat
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 15 Sep 2008
Posts: 83
Reviews: 27
Country: USA
297 Points
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| Posted: Tue Sep 16, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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| Awesome job, I love the rebellious feel to it, like you would be shouting it at a rally. It holds a good point as well. If you elaborated on this I could definitely see it becoming a song or rap. The caps don't bother me too much, but they do give you the impression of shouting. If that was what you were aiming for then I think it should be fine. A in the last stanza would be helpfull, however. |
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| This thread was created on September 15, 2008 |
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