Topic ID: 36051
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alexis_love
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 Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject: childhood. |
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I am from
An apple tree in the backyard,
though it never grew any apples.
Power rangers, and tom and jerry.
I am from
Rock paper scissors and miss Mary Mack.
Game boy and Super Nintendos.
I am from
ring pops and warheads.
The Macarena and “talk to the hand”.
I am from
Furby’s and light up sneakers.
VCRs and slap bracelets.
I am from
playing outside until it was dark.
Before iPods and cell phones and DVD’s.
I am from,
A happy childhood. |
Last edited by alexis_love on Sat Oct 04, 2008 7:29 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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aseka
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:16 pm Post subject: |
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sorry
but i have to admit it
i didn't get it the whole poem was a bit hard to realize
and stuff like that
and there were mistakes
OK here goes
Power rangers, and tom and jerry,
before sound.
Before iPods,cell phones
and DVD's.
OK that's all i have to say but next time
trie to make it more realistic OK
good luck
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silverSUNLIGHTx
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| Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was really good.
Conveying all the things that made your childhood special. Haha, I'm from the same time so it brought back a lot of good memories. :] I thought it was pretty realistic, I don't get why it wouldn't be.
I liked your use of repetition here, it goes together nicely.
All in all, nice poem. |
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JADEREDNALIH
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:15 pm Post subject: |
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I really did like this poem. i believe you really captured the essence of childhood in a short sentence. I love the part where you say "Before iPods,cell phones and DVD's." that part really showed how people had good childhoods before they were tied up with all these electronics. then theres the
Power rangers, and tom and jerry,
before sound.
part i really did like it |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: . |
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I liked it, it so reminded me of when i was ten and did all those things 
playing outside until it was dark was a good one!
im still not sure if it was a poem though... the bold writing was a bit of a turn off
but i loved the rest of it, but i still dont think all those things really = happy childhood, they were mostly material things. i think a happy childhood is a happy family. |
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running_with_the_devil
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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AMAZING.
I think all kids that grew up in the 90's know what this is about!
I love it!
I just had a little bit of a flash back right there. :] I think this is great. Everyone loves looking back at childhood memories.
Good job.
:] |
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CrazyBob
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice structure here. It's nice to see something a little different than the standard childhood poem, inapplicable to anyone. Sure brings back memories. |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 3:44 pm Post subject: |
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Alexis,
Hello, welcome to YWS (: Hopefully you’ll love it here.
Anyway, you got your fill of critiques and praise, but tiny little thing has to change. The zero I your reviews. See, to post anything at all, you need to review at least 2 other pieces. Same goes for all next pieces in the Fiction/Poetry forums. So, you do that, okay?
Cheers,
Esme |
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fun4eva
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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Oh my gosh!
This was great...
It had such a nice meaning.
At first, I was a bit confused, but then I got it..
A very good read, I must say!! |
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wombat
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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Hee, this was a cute poem, kind of reminded me of the advert that's going around (for Orange, I think) where a cyclist is saying stuff like 'I am the neighbour who took the stabilsers off..'. I really enjoyed it, and even though I'm still in my childhood, I remember some of those things =).
Loved it. |
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lilchoma
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 10:38 pm Post subject: |
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okay so i liked this poem alot, in terms of it was just really cute talking about little things that kind of defined the time you grew up in, and alot of those are really familiar to me, so of course i have to enjoy this poem.
although, forgive me i must say one thing that i didn't like, although i very much hate giving people negative criticism:
perhaps i just have a pet peeve but i didn't really like that you repeated "I am from" before every line, and i especially don't think they needed commas after them.
otherwise, though, this was a really good poem, nice and reminiscient, and i love being remeniscient, and you did a good job with it. but yea like i said, maybe try to avoid so much repetition, then i'd have nothing negative to say. |
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KookieKatie
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| Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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This was a really inspring piece. It's very thoughtful. It's true, that kids growing up today are more encouraged to sit down in front of the TV then to play outside or even with their toys. A very good poem. Your technique and layout are interesting, unique to your style.
Some bits and pieces that I would recommend:
-"Though it never grew any apples" should be chopped. Confusing, unneccesary, and against your format.
-Every other "I am from" should be chopped as well, so that it flows a little bit better. Plus, it adds less mush.
-"Vcr" shoud become "VCR" because it is an acronym.
-"Super Nintendo's" is actually "Super Nintendos" because you are talking about a plural Nintendo game, not saying "Super Nintendo is".
You really have great ideas, great technique.
Good work! Keep writing!
-KK |
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