Topic ID: 36041
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Lord Anzius
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 Posted: Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:30 pm Post subject: The bill |
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CONTINUE FROM DOOR TO HEAVEN:
The killer looked in awe,
The lad had a pair of white wings,
Those things shone like the sun itself,
The man saw he had done bad,
he was truly sorry.
The lad was forgiving and said,
don't worry.
Then there came the voice of God,
If you wish to step in the door,
You must be sorry for ever more.
And you must pay your bill,
On the head man's hill.
The man was hesitant but soon gave up.
I will suffer he said,
I will go and pay my last bill on The head man's hill.
He turned around and walked back to his bill...
That is the tale of the head man's hill
END |
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xGraceex
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: x |
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Im happy to say that im your first review! I really liked it! im so curiose to what the bill was, but i think the poem could have been more powerful, more description i guess. keep up the good work!
xxx |
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bisquit
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| Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:33 pm Post subject: |
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Well, Firstly, i think that there are some really good aspects to this poem including...
'The killer looked in awe' good start. Immediately intorduces the poem
. the line..'The man was hesitant but soon gave up.' is also very memorable
although this poem contained some very good aspects that deserved to be picked out, i think you may need to re think your structure a little more. The plot to the poem isnt very clear and therefore confuses the reader a little. Also, add more punctuation to help the reader.
Good work.  interested to see where this is going.
bisquit |
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aseka
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| Posted: Sun Sep 28, 2008 8:49 am Post subject: |
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Aha.... aha... aha... 
How bad i am the 3rd to review.Though the poem was so nice.
But a bit catchy and dull.
And stop putting THE SPACES.
But if you think it is necessery go ahead who cares.
But i think it will be better trying to reduce the spaces.
OK.
And idon't think that it will be good if you put so much comma's
There were 1 or 2 mistakes
So here goes
| Quote: |
The killer looked in awe,
The lad had a pair of white wings,
Those things shone like the sun itself,
The man saw he had done bad,
He was truly sorry.
The lad was forgiving and said,
Don't worry.
Then there came the voice of God,
If you wish to step in the door,
You must be sorry for ever more.
And you must pay your bill,
On the head man's hill.
The man was hesitant but soon gave up.
I will suffer he said,
I will go and pay my last bill on The head man's hill.
He turned around and walked back to his bill...
That is the tale of the head man's hill |
And that's it i think
I hope you will continue writing poem's
OK
Good luck 
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grimy89098
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 7:25 am Post subject: |
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i liked it,
bit confusing at times, but that might just be my simple mind...
the vocab perhaps could using some fleshing out, but its good how it is
-grimy
ps: i love your sig lol i wish i were more crazy |
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Lord Anzius
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| Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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| It somehow seems as though people do not read the first part of this poem story... at all. The story starts from the head man's hill poem... you can find it from my portfolio. |
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Boredom is a death sentence.
That is why I try to be crazy.
Crazy people aren't bored.
I wish I were more crazy. |
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lordgluzman
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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| your story-poem was cool. I really liked the point and the rhyme but what was the The head man's hill? You need to be more specific in that case. |
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